What You’ll Learn Today:

  • The 5 reasons your sex life got off track
  • The research about what couples with great sex lives are doing
  • My top 5 tips for putting the XXX back in married SeXXX

Top Take-A-Ways:

Men like to have sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to want sex.
Men, my message to you is this: every, single, positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.
Women, my message to you is this: Taking charge of your sexuality and make your sexual relationship one of your top priorities, not something at the end of your to-do list. 

  1. There are five main reasons your sex life got off track:
    When you were first together you were putting your best-self first. As time goes on, you get comfy and all those things go out the window. Hence, having that erotic steaminess goes out the window. 
  2. You assume that it will! You assume that marriage is supposed to be a downward slide and it’ll just get worse and worse. 
  3. You’ve confused comforting with comfortable. Comforting in a marriage is awesome – being overly comfortable can be a problem.
  4. You think that all this comfortableness is the same as intimacy. Your partner always deserves your thoughtfulness and attention. 
  5. Kids happened. There’s not much sexy about having children. Yes, you had to have sex to have them, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything sexy going on after that. 

In their book, The Normal Bar, researchers Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte, completed a huge survey of over 70,000 people in 24 countries in their quest to find out what couples with a great sex life were doing:

  • Have make out sessions and kiss each other passionately (another German study found that men who kiss their wives every day live five years longer than the men who didn’t)
  • Kiss and touch passionately, but non-erotically, every day (even in public)
  • Cuddle together non-sexually
  • Say “I love you” and mean it every day. 
  • Give surprise romantic gifts
  • Keep playing and having fun together
  • Make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
  • Talk comfortably about their sex life
  • Have dates and take romantic vacations
  • Overall, they’re mindful about turning toward one another and giving one another their attention

Now, people reporting a “good sex life” is different than people reporting a hot or erotic sex life and I want to make sure we cover both today. This is something relationship expert, Esther Perel, is known for. In her book, Mating in Captivity, she notes that becoming more comfortable and stable in your relationship, is the very thing that makes having an erotic sexual encounter with your partner more difficult. 

With those things in mind, along with the other research out there and my own work with couples, here are some of my top tips for creating a hot and happy sex life:

Action Tip:

Tip #1: Don’t be Overly Familiar
Shut the door! All that goes on with sharing a home and life leads to a lot of overfamiliarity. This overfamiliarity makes it hard to keep physical intimacy fresh and fun. 

Tip #2: Pay Attention
When your partner walks in the house, stop whatever you’re doing and physically go greet them at the door. Give them a kiss or hug (or both) and welcome them home. Make eye contact and be intentional with having them feel the love and happiness you feel that they’re home. 

Tip #3: Touch without Sex
Focus on touching your partner often. Just be sexual in the moment, without actual sex. 

Tip #4: Get Some Distance
Keep up your outside relationships. Have a gal or guy’s weekend away from your partner; have separate hobbies, don’t do everything together. 

Tip #5: Every Positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay
Think back to where we started today. You’ve got to think about sex way before you get to the bedroom. 

Resources and Links:

Sexual Behaviour in Context: A Global Perspective

The Normal Bar

Mating in Captivity