Ever notice how you can get excited about something in the beginning, but then totally lose steam? You start a new meditation practice, promise yourself you’ll speak more kindly to your partner, or commit to exercising. At first, you feel that spark. But then life gets busy, the excitement fades, and suddenly your motivation’s gone.
Here’s the problem: what you do to get motivated isn’t what you do to stay motivated. It’s like lighting a campfire. You use kindling to get it going, but you need bigger and bigger sticks and finally logs to keep it burning. If you just keep tossing kindling on, the fire fizzles out. But if you toss a log on too soon, you’ll smash those tiny embers.
Today I’m going to show you what the research says about how to get motivated in the first place and, just as importantly, how to stay motivated over the long haul in all areas of your life, from your personal growth to your relationships.
9-minute read
Part One: How to Get Motivated (Lighting the Spark)
Before I say anything else, I want to say this. Motivation is a skill. Yes, you heard that right. And, like any skill, it takes practice to get good at it. Once you have the correct tools and components, that practice becomes easier, and that’s what I aim to do with you today.
Motivation starts with ignition. If you’re sitting on the couch telling yourself you “should” meditate, or “should” be nicer to your partner, or “should” eat better, you already know that “shoulds” don’t create energy. You need a spark that connects to something deeper.
There are three things to focus on when it comes to getting motivated.
I. Connect to Intrinsic Meaning
Self-Determination Theory shows that when your goals line up with your core needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness, you’re way more likely to act. What you need are two important things to make that action happen:
- Autonomy, which means you feel like you’re choosing freely
- Competence, which means you feel capable
So instead of saying, “I should meditate,” connect it to meaning: “When I meditate for five minutes, I feel calmer and more patient with my kids.” Instead of “I should work on my relationship,” try “When I focus on listening to my partner, I feel more connected and loved.”
Now, you also need to make sure you feel like you can do this thing that you’re committing to, and re-stating in these ways helps you do that. For example, if you say, “I should start training for a marathon,” and no part of you really thinks that’s possible, you’ve got a problem. Or, if you’ve tried multiple times to get sober and have so far not been able to, saying, “I really need to stop drinking for good,” isn’t going to get you there. In both cases, you’re not only using a “should” statement, but you’re also thinking you’re going to fail anyway. Your internal dialogue is immediately, “I’ve tried this x times before and it never works.”
By starting with “when,” you change the game, and your brain starts operating from your prefrontal cortex instead of your amygdala.
How to do it:
- Ask yourself, “Why does this matter to me?” Write down three answers. And make sure each answer starts with “When…”
- Link each answer to a feeling you actually want: calm, connection, confidence.
- Use those words as reminders. Say them out loud before you start the task.
II. Create a Clear If-Then Plan
Peter Gollwitzer from NYU is one of my favorite researchers when it comes to goal attainment. His research on something called implementation intentions shows that “if-then” plans are much more effective than vague goals.
Instead of “I need to start journaling every morning, try, “If it’s 7 a.m., then I’ll sit with my coffee and write for five minutes.” Instead of, “I’ll try to be a better listener,” say: “If my partner comes home from work, then I’ll stop what I’m doing and ask about their day.”
How to do it:
- Choose one daily cue (morning coffee, after brushing your teeth, before bed).
- Pair it with the action you want.
- Keep it ridiculously small so you actually do it. Even one minute counts.
III. Step Into an Identity
Willpower doesn’t get you far. Identity does. When you frame your action as “this is the kind of person I am,” you light a deeper flame, and this is what igniting a new habit is all about. Instead of “I should exercise,” shift to “I’m someone who moves every day.” Instead of “I should call my friend,” try, “I’m someone who nurtures my friendships.” Identity creates consistency.
How to do it:
- Write down one sentence that starts with, “I’m the kind of person who…”
- Post it somewhere you’ll see it: on your mirror, fridge, or phone background.
- Say it to yourself daily until it feels natural.
Part Two: How to Stay Motivated (Feeding the Fire)
OK, you’ve lit the spark and now you want to keep the flame alive. And this is where most people fail. They try to re-ignite over and over instead of fueling the fire. Staying motivated needs a whole different toolkit.
To keep the fire going, try one (or all) of these four research-based tools.
I. Celebrate Small Wins and Track Progress
Progress is the oxygen of motivation. Research shows that small wins release dopamine, which keeps you moving forward. This applies to everything from working out to working on your relationship.
How to do it:
- Use a calendar or app to track even tiny steps.
- End your day by writing down one thing you did well. “I asked my partner one open-ended question.” “I meditated for two minutes.”
- Celebrate it. Smile, fist pump, or share it with a friend. Don’t skip the celebration part; your brain needs that hit of recognition.
In my online community, The One Love Collective, on Substack, we post on WINSday. On that day, members post two wins and one thing they’re working on that week. This is a great practice to help you start recognizing those small wins so you can do this effortlessly.
II. Build Rhythms, Not Sprints
Consistency beats intensity. Self-regulation research shows that routines conserve mental energy and make habits stick. If you only meditate when you feel like it, you’ll rarely do it. But if you attach it to something you already do, it becomes automatic. I often can only link to research pages in my corresponding blog posts or under the video if you’re watching on YouTube, but for this, I was able to link to the entire paper I read on Self-Regulation, Ego Depletion, and Motivation by the famous Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs. If this is an area of interest for you, I highly recommend reading this paper they wrote.
How to do it:
- Anchor a new habit to something in your existing routine (like brushing your teeth or making coffee). When I had BJ Fogg on my podcast a few years ago (he’s affiliated with Stanford University and wrote an awesome book called Tiny Habits that I also highly recommend), he mentioned waking up and first going to the bathroom (which it seems everyone does), but then doing 5 wall pushups right after when he was anchoring a new exercise routine.
- For relationships, set rituals. Maybe it’s ten minutes of undistracted conversation every night, meals with no phones or electronics allowed, or a Sunday walk with your partner.
- Keep it simple so it’s sustainable. Don’t make those logs too big too fast.
III. Practice Daily Mindfulness
You know you can’t get through an episode with me without me mentioning mindfulness! Along with a ton of other benefits that I’ve talked about in past episodes, the research shows daily mindfulness increases persistence and self-control over time. It helps you notice when your motivation dips and gives you space to choose differently instead of giving up.
How to do it:
- Start with one mindful activity a day: notice your breath, eat a meal without distractions, or check your tone before responding in a conversation.
- Use mindfulness to catch self-talk: “I’ll never stick with this” becomes, “I’m noticing I’m discouraged, and that’s just a thought.”
- Practice often. Five minutes daily is better than one hour once a week.
If you haven’t downloaded my free Mindfulness Starter Kit yet, this is your sign.
IV. Lean on Relationships for Support
Motivation thrives in connection. Accountability and encouragement keep the fire going.
How to do it:
- Tell someone your plan and ask them to check in.
- Join a group or class where others share the same goal. Yes, I’m going to highly encourage you to join my community on Substack if you’re looking for a non-judgmental place to get support and encouragement. But there are many other groups/classes you can join, from religious or spiritually-based organizations, to academia, to book clubs, to creating your own support group.
- In your relationship, tell your partner exactly what you’re working on, like listening more, being more affectionate, or practicing patience. Invite them to notice your efforts.
If you want an easy way to put all of this into practice, I created a free one-page guide called The Motivation Map. It lays out these spark strategies to help you get going and the fuel strategies to keep you going. You’ll get a quick checklist, a progress tracker, and even a mindfulness starter so you can keep your fire alive without overthinking it.
Wrap Up
Motivation isn’t one-size-fits-all. The tools you use to get started aren’t the ones that keep you going. To get motivated, you need sparks: connect to what matters, create clear if-then plans, and step into the identity you want to embody. To stay motivated, you need fuel: celebrate your progress, build rhythms, practice mindfulness, and lean on relationships for support.
If you’re frustrated that you can’t “stay motivated,” stop tossing sparks at the fire. You don’t need more hype or another big push. You need fuel. You need logs. And once you know the difference, you’ll finally feel like your motivation lasts, not just in your workouts or work projects, but in the daily habits and relationships that shape your life.
If this is an area where you think you need more help. Definitely download today’s free Motivation Map. And, you can also get the Therapy-to-Go bundle for $10. This is something my online community gets with every single podcast for just $8 per month. However, if that feels like too much of a commitment, here’s what’s in this episode’s bundle so you can see if it’s something you want to invest in.
One Love Collective/Therapy-to-Go Bundle
- Aligning Your Conscious and Subconscious
- Emotional Alignment Journal
- Future Self Visualization & Journal: See the Life You’re Building Six Months From Now
- Journaling Prompts What’s Really Stopping You?
- Mini-Quiz What’s Your Motivation Block?
- The Mind-Body Anchor Exercise: Pairing Emotion with Action to Boost Motivation
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for How to Get Motivated and Stay Motivated: Science-Backed Strategies That Work
Buy the Therapy-to-Go Bundle for this episode!
Join Abby’s One Love Collective on Substack!
How 5 Minutes of Mindfulness a Day Can Make Your Relationship Great
Tiny Habits: How Small Changes Get Big Results: An Interview with BJ Fogg
