Your man calls you on his way home from work and mentions that he’s had a really hard day. You partner texts that she’s exhausted and you’ll need to bring home some take-out for dinner. Does this sound familiar?

Often at the end of a long day at work, with kids, at school or in life, we come home tired and looking to unwind. This generally takes the form of (mostly unhealthy) behaviors: eating foods we shouldn’t, smoking some pot, having a drink or two, napping, vegging out in front of the TV, submerging in social media and email or playing video games. The problem with all of these activities is that they check us out instead of checking us in. We end up more distant from our partners and family, instead of closer.

So, what to do? Have sex instead. That’s right – you heard me. Have. Sex. Instead. First of all, there’s nothing better than an orgasm or two to make your whole world feel more bright. Second, lots of couples wait until the end of the night to have sex when they’re exhausted, uninspired and probably wanting to just go to sleep. Sex can end up being routine and not giving us the intimate connection we’re craving from our partners.

The answer is to have sex when you get home after a long day. Having sex earlier in the evening gives you lots of benefits:

  1. It’s new and different so adds a little something to your sex life
  2. You’re likely to have more fun since you’re actually awake and maybe even up for being a little creative
  3. It’s going to put a smile on your face for dinner
  4. Your stress level really will go down and you’re connecting to your partner (a two-for-one)
  5. You’re doing something that burns calories instead of adding them (you’ve got to love that one)
  6. You’ll feel spontaneous and a little young and crazy again (always a nice thing when you’re life starts feeling like an endless cycle of monotony)

I know you’re thinking, “You’re crazy! There’s no time for sex! The kids are running around or need to do their homework, the dog needs to be walked, dinner is cooking, the house is a mess…” blah, blah, blah. I get it. We’ve all been there. But let’s get back to what’s really important: connecting with your partner. I’m talking about just 15 minutes or less here (all the power to you if you can make it longer, but I’m looking for a reasonable place to start here). You can have a quickie in the laundry room, give him a blow job in the bathroom or 69 in your walk-in closet. Try not to rush too much, take a minute to really connect and enjoy one another and have some fun. I can tell you from experience (both my own and that of my clients) that life looks much different from the relaxing side of an orgasm. Slow the train and focus on what’s important. Your connection to your partner is right on top of the list if you think about it. So, invest a few minutes. 

I can’t tell you how many clients tell me this is impossible and that there’s no time. I then point out that they’ve taken quite a bit of time and resources out of their tight schedules to see me. So why not try carving out 15 minutes or so at home? It’s all about perspective and what you prioritize. 

In the end, sex and intimate contact is one of the only things we share with our partners that we don’t share with the rest of the world. It’s one of the things that stops us from just being roommates. I speak to so many couples who assume that sex and intimate contact decline with age and longevity of a relationship. That doesn’t need to be. It certainly takes more thought to keep it fresh and interesting, but it doesn’t need to go away. 

Let’s say you don’t want to have sex – maybe you’ve got your period (although I urge you not to let that stop you), or maybe you just had marathon sex all day yesterday (I’m bowing now) or maybe you’ve been having sex every day for the last week and there’s chafing. It’s OK not to always make sex the thing to connect for a few minutes, but I still want you to do it and BEFORE you’re exhausted.

If you always put your partner last to the end of the day when everything else is done, it’s a problem. This is the most important relationship in your life!! You’ve got to make it a priority. So, there are a bunch of other suggestions I have. Again, these should be done when you’re fresh – not at the very end of the night!

  1. Happy Hour: even if you don’t drink, it’s great to make a special happy hour just for the two of you. Go out on the back deck, in your bedroom or anywhere you can be alone together and have a drink (alcoholic or not) or maybe a special treat/appetizer and just hang together for 15 to 30 minutes. Just the two of you.
  2. Foot Rubs: I, myself, love a foot rub and they’re pretty easy to do! Set aside 20 minutes. Then, set the timer for 10 minutes and rub your partner’s feet (with lotion -don’t be stingy). At the end of the 10 minutes, it’s your turn. Set the timer again, and now get your feet rubbed. Do NOT put on the TV during this time and it’s a “no phone” zone. Just hang with one another. Maybe put on some relaxing music and maybe choose another body part to rub, but take the time and connect
  3. Go for a Walk: You can take the dog, or just have the two of you (NO KIDS), but take a 15 minute walk together. Don’t power walk, this isn’t a workout. It’s just a time to stretch and chat uninterrupted for a little bit

There are many ways to take a couples’ break. If you have ideas, I’d LOVE to hear about them in the comments below. In the meantime, let the dog out back, turn off the burners on the stove and tell the kids to start their homework and you’ll be there soon: You and your partner need a few minutes of alone time.