How Do I Know If I’m Doing Too Much For Others?

 

Lots of people make the mistake of thinking of others before they think of themselves. We see this behavior quite a bit in women and mothers, but anyone can get caught in this cycle of unhealthy behavior.

“It’s sometimes difficult to know if you’re being codependent (which is unhealthy) or supportive and kind (which is healthy).”

The next time you’re not sure if you’re doing too much for someone else, I’d like you to ask yourself these four questions. These filters will help you answer the question, “Am I being codependent?”

Ask Yourself:

  1. Who’s working harder? The first question I want you to ask yourself is, “Am I working harder than the other person?” If you’re helping someone else out in a given situation, they should be putting at least as much effort in as you are. If you’re the one running around ragged, and they have time to watch a movie, then you’re being codependent.
  2. What’s my motive? The next question I want you to ask yourself is, “Why am I doing this?”  Are you doing this for yourself, or for the other person? You want to check your motives and understand the “why” behind your actions. Is it to make yourself feel better or to get something done quicker? Are you doing this out of guilt, shame or to avoid embarrassment? Do you like the feeling of other people needing you? In other words, what’s in it for you? Sometimes you’ll check in and see that your motives are completely altruistic and, other times, you’ll notice that this is more about you than the other person. Doing things for others out of fear isn’t love; it’s selfish anxiety.
  3. What does my gut say? A lot of times we know what we’re doing is wrong or unhealthy because we get a “funny feeling.” It’s important to listen to that voice inside your head. Are you feeling resentful or disappointed with the other person when you’re helping them? If so, then this is probably not something you need to be doing or you need to clearer on why you’re doing it.
  4. Am I teaching them to fish? Lastly, I need you to ask yourself, “Will what I’m doing result in the other person learning new skills so they can do it on their own next time?” Whatever you’re doing for someone else should be helping them reach their next level of autonomy. If the other person will be dependent on you for this particular thing every time it comes up, that’s a problem.

The bottom line is that you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself first…

The bottom line is that you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself first, before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. Work on these four areas and you’ll quickly find yourself happier in all your relationships.

Dr. Abby with her Book "Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do A Thing"

GRAB MY BOOK!

Create a happy, connected relationship, even if your partner won’t do a thing! Get my Amazon #1 best-selling book: Be Happily Married Even if Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing.

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

CHECK OUT MY PODCAST!

I’ll teach you simple, actionable tools and strategies that you can use today to make your relationship the best it’s ever been.

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

GET MY FREE COMMUNICATION TOOL KIT!

Build a connected, loving relationship with the FREE Communication Tool Kit for Couples.

Most Popular Posts

SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS GASLIGHTING YOU AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS GASLIGHTING YOU AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Has someone been gaslighting you? Gaslighting is a dangerous form of manipulation where someone acts in such a way that you start doubting your perceptions, your memory or your own judgment. You often walk away from the conversation feeling like the crazy one. Today,...

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

Are you dealing with family stress? Lashing out at your mom for that condescending thing she said? Feeling guilty that you’re avoiding your dad because he drives you crazy? Today you’re going to learn my top three tips to not get triggered by family so you can find...

HOW TO STOP OVERTHINKING AND LET THINGS GO THAT BOTHER YOU

HOW TO STOP OVERTHINKING AND LET THINGS GO THAT BOTHER YOU

Wondering how to let things go that bother you? How do you stop going round and round in your head and stop overthinking? Maybe your partner hurt you or you’re worried about paying your bills or maybe you’re freaking out about COVID and the Delta variant and you...

Dr. Abby Medcalf's weekly newsletter

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

It’s called a newsletter but it’s so much more! Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you motivated to stay on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!