You’re in a conflict, and suddenly, silence. No texts. No words. Just… nothing. It’s like you’re talking to a ghost. Whether it’s your partner, parent, best friend, or coworker, the silent treatment isn’t just frustrating. It can be manipulative, even emotionally abusive. Today, I’m breaking down why people do it, how it messes with your brain, and what you can do instead of spiraling. Because begging for scraps of communication isn’t connection. And you deserve better than that.
8-minute read
What Is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment is an intentional refusal to speak, respond, or engage with another person. It often happens in the context of a disagreement or emotional upset and is used to punish, control, or avoid. In psychology, this behavior is classified under the broader category of ostracism, which research has shown activates the same part of the brain that registers physical pain.
Here’s the key difference: Taking space during conflict to calm down is healthy. Communicating, “I need a little time and I’ll come back when I can talk respectfully,” is not the silent treatment. The silent treatment is silence with no clarity, no boundaries, and often no end in sight. It is not a strategy. It’s a power play. I’m not saying the person is consciously doing it. In fact, it’s likely an unconscious, reaction that they can maybe even “see” but don’t really understand.
Why Do People Use the Silent Treatment?
The reasons can vary depending on the person, the relationship, and the situation. But let’s call it like it is: whether intentional or unconscious, the silent treatment is a dysfunctional communication tactic. It can stem from fear, poor coping skills, or a need for control. Let’s unpack five common drivers behind this behavior, along with real-life examples you might recognize.
1. To Punish or Control You
At its most toxic, the silent treatment is a weapon. The person withdrawing wants you to feel bad, unsure, or desperate for their attention. Their silence becomes a form of punishment or emotional blackmail.
Example: You bring up feeling neglected in your relationship. Instead of responding, your partner gives you the cold shoulder for days. No texts, no eye contact, and certainly no conversation. The unspoken message is: “How dare you criticize me? Now you’ll suffer.” This is about power. Their silence becomes the leash that keeps you anxious and chasing.
2. Because They Feel Emotionally Overwhelmed
For some, silence is not about hurting you. It’s about shutting down. They get emotionally flooded and don’t have the capacity to stay present. The problem is they don’t tell you that. So, their silence still lands like a punishment.
Example: You confront a sibling about a family issue. They go quiet, not just in that moment, but for a full week. When they finally respond, they say, “I just didn’t know how to handle it.” If someone regularly disappears when things get uncomfortable, that’s not emotional intelligence. That’s avoidance. And it leaves you holding the emotional bag.
3. To Avoid Saying the “Wrong” Thing
Sometimes, people go silent because they think it’s safer than speaking up and making things worse. But instead of owning that or naming their fear, they vanish emotionally.
Example: A coworker makes a mistake, and you bring it up calmly. They stop responding to your emails or Slack messages. When you finally get them on a call, they say, “I figured you were mad, and I didn’t want to say anything to make it worse.” This kind of silence often comes from insecurity. But again, the impact is the same. You’re left feeling ghosted, even if their intent wasn’t to hurt you.
4. Because It’s What They Learned Growing Up
People don’t come up with these behaviors out of nowhere. If someone was raised in a home where conflicts were met with stone-cold silence or days of “time outs” with no explanation, this pattern can feel normal.
Example: Your romantic partner refuses to talk after an argument. When you ask why they won’t engage, they say, “This is just how my parents handled things. They needed space. It always worked itself out.” But what they are calling “normal” might be emotionally unsafe for you. Learned behavior is not an excuse to avoid accountability.
5. To Avoid Accountability
The silent treatment can also be a sneaky way to dodge hard conversations, responsibilities, or consequences. Rather than own their behavior or repair the rupture, they disappear.
Example: Your friend cancels plans last-minute for the third time. You say you’re feeling hurt, and… nothing. Radio silence. They just don’t respond. This move puts you in a bind. You either drop it or push harder, which then makes you look dramatic. Meanwhile, they get to pretend nothing happened.
What the Silent Treatment Does to You
Let’s not gloss over this. The silent treatment is psychologically damaging. It creates:
- Anxiety and hypervigilance
- Feelings of unworthiness or abandonment
- Obsessive thinking (what did I do wrong?)
- A cycle of people-pleasing to “get them back”
- Physiological stress, including increased cortisol
The longer it lasts, the more it erodes your sense of safety and connection. This isn’t just about conflict. This is about your nervous system learning that love equals uncertainty and punishment.
What to Do If You’re Getting the Silent Treatment
Here’s the real question: How do you respond without losing your power or playing their game? Before I jump into my five strategies for dealing with the silent treatment, I want to let you know that the free download for today is: What to Say When You’re Getting the Silent Treatment: 7 Boundary Scripts That Keep You Calm, Clear, and in Control.
1. Regulate Before You Engage
Before you fire off a “Why are you ignoring me?” text or launch into panic mode, pause. The silent treatment triggers our rejection sensitivity, especially if you have any unresolved attachment wounds. Your body interprets their silence as danger, not just disrespect.
Try this: Do a double-inhale with a long, slow exhale. This will absolutely reset your physiological arousal and help you relax. Then say out loud, “Their silence is about them. I don’t need to fix it.”
Why this works: Again, this calms your nervous system so you can respond, not react.
2. Name It Calmly and Clearly
You’re not responsible for someone’s silence, but you can name the pattern and set the tone for healthy dialogue.
Try This: Say: “I’ve noticed you haven’t responded. If you need space, that’s OK. But silence without communication feels hurtful. I’m open to talking when you’re ready to be respectful.”
Why this works:
You’re not attacking. You’re describing. You’re setting a boundary and offering a pathway forward.
3. Don’t Chase or Beg
The moment you start over-explaining, apologizing for things you haven’t done, or triple-texting, you give away your power. It reinforces their belief that silence gets them what they want.
Try This: Instead, say once: “I want to repair this when you’re ready to talk openly. Until then, I’m going to take space too.” Then stop reaching out. Let your boundary speak louder than your words.
Why this works: Keeping your own peace of mind and finding your own control in the situation are one in the same often.
4. Set a Real Boundary
This isn’t about threatening the relationship. It’s about honoring your limits. If the silent treatment happens often, it’s time to create change.
Try This: Say: “I need a relationship where we can work through issues with communication, not silence. If this continues, I’ll need to reconsider how I engage moving forward.” That might mean limiting contact, pulling back emotionally, or pausing certain plans. You’re not punishing them. You’re protecting yourself.
Why this works: You’re setting a real boundary because there’s a response from you if this behavior continues. It creates accountability on both sides.
5. Practice Self-Validation
The most insidious part of the silent treatment is how it erodes your sense of self. You start asking, “What did I do?” instead of asking, “Why are they responding this way?”
Try This: Try a journal prompt like, “When they go silent, what do I start believing about myself? Where did I learn that being ignored means I’m unworthy?” Then remind yourself: You are lovable even when someone else cannot or will not show up.
Why this works: It helps you reconnect with yourself and come from love, not fear.
When It’s Emotional Abuse
When the silent treatment is chronic, intentional, and part of a larger pattern of manipulation, it becomes emotional abuse. Especially if:
- It happens often and lasts for days or weeks
- It’s used to control or punish
- It makes you question your reality or feel “crazy”
- You feel like you’re always the one repairing
If this sounds familiar, you’re not overreacting. You’re seeing the truth. Abuse is not always loud. Sometimes it’s silent.
If this is the case, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re allowing ongoing emotional abuse in your relationship and what boundaries you’re willing to put in place moving forward. Professional help is likely needed at this point.
Final Thoughts: Silence Isn’t Golden
The silent treatment might look like nothing, but it says everything. It communicates rejection, control, and avoidance. Healthy relationships require repair, not retreat.
You deserve clear communication, not mind games. You deserve someone who says, “I need space, but I’ll come back and we’ll work it out.” Not someone who disappears and makes you question your worth.
So next time someone tries to punish you with silence, choose your voice. Choose your peace. Choose your dignity.
If you’ve been nodding your head for the last 30 minutes and thinking how you relate to everything I just discussed then I’m going to remind you to get the free download for today: What to Say When You’re Getting the Silent Treatment: 7 Boundary Scripts That Keep You Calm, Clear, and in Control
And I’m also going to suggest that, if you want to go deeper, you get the Therapy-to-Go Bundle for today’s episode, which includes the free download plus:
One Love Collective: Therapy-to-Go Bundle
- Boundary Rehearsal Worksheet: Say the Thing Without the Spiral. This is a fill-in-the-blank script builder to help you speak up with clarity, not panic
- Guided Visualization: Standing in the Silence Without Shrinking
- Journaling Prompts: Silence and the Stories I Tell Myself
- Reflection Tool: When I Go Silent Too: A self-inquiry guide to explore how and why you withdraw during conflict
- Self-Talk Reframes:10 mindset shifts to help you stay grounded when someone shuts you out
- Silent Treatment Self-Check: Is This Healthy Silence or Emotional Control?
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for What to Do When Someone Gives You the Silent Treatment
Buy the Therapy-to-go Bundle for this episode
Join Abby’s One Love Collective!
How to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
Social Neuroscience: People Thinking about Thinking People. (2006). United Kingdom: A Bradford Book
