Last week I talked about what to do if your partner is jealous and this week I’m focusing on you! Today I’m covering everything you ever wanted to know about why you’re jealous but were too jealous to ask. Then I’m going to give you my three easy steps to move away from jealousy and resentment and towards confidence, clarity and joy.

Jealousy is something that comes up in different ways in romantic relationships:

  1. Jealousy of other people (will my partner cheat on me?)
  2. Jealousy over your partner’s accomplishments or wins. How great that you got a promotion at work and get to fly off to Europe – I’ll just be here taking care of your kids!
  3. Jealousy around time or other perceived advantages: “If I’m up with the kids, you should have to stay awake with me.”

Let’s take these one at a time:

  1. Jealousy of other people
  2. Jealousy over partner’s accomplishments/wins
  3. Jealous of their time or other resources (keeping score)

Why are People Jealous?

Research has shown some consistent traits of people who tend towards jealousy:

  1. Low self-esteem is at the top of the heap when it comes to characteristics of jealous people. Jealousy, at its root is about insecurity and thinking that you’re inadequate and just not good enough for your partner.
  2. Scarcity mindset. You get possessive because you think there isn’t enough to go around.
  3. Emotional instability. Jealous people often show signs of emotional instability such as anxiety, hypervigilance, and moodiness
  4. Anxious attachment style. People with an anxious attachment style or who have dependency issues can often be jealous.

The 3 Steps for Moving from Jealous to Secure

Step 1: Get self-aware and mindful first.

If you don’t know you’re doing something, you can’t stop it. The first step is to notice how you’re acting in a moment.

Step 2: It’s about you, not them.

Make it a habit that every time you focus on your partner you notice it and then focus on yourself. Jealousy is not about your partner, it’s about you.

Step 3: Get to the why.

Don’t deny your jealousy. Instead you own it and seek to understand why you’re jealous. However, when you’re doing this seeking to understand, do not focus on your partner and what they’re doing. Keep coming back to you.

This exercise is going to take about 30 minutes but will be well worth your time.

  1. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center.
  2. Set the timer for 10 minutes and on the left side of the paper take this time to write down your insecurities. Make a list of each and every one you can think of until the alarm goes off.
  3. Now set the timer for 20 minutes
  4. On the right side of the paper, write down an action step for each insecurity you listed. Think of just one thing, no matter how small—just one action you can take to work on this insecurity. You will likely find that you have the same action steps for a number of your insecurities. Special note: none of your action steps should involve your partner doing anything.

Ready to Fast Track Your Success?

If you want to fast track this work and move more quickly from jealousy and insecurity to connection, joy and confidence, then it’s time to work on actual goals with your partner.

It’s time to move towards something instead of away from something. Where do you want to go together? What are your goals as a couple and how will you get there? Make a plan to move forward together.

Setting goals can be tricky. There are actually a lot of mistakes people make when they’re setting them and they end up being ideas and wishes instead of actionable goals that you’re working towards together.

So, I’ve got a great way to walk you through it step by step: My Relationship Goal Setting Workbook, which is basically a quick way to get to create connection and happiness for the long term in your relationship.

In the workbook you’ll learn:

  • The six steps to making relationship goals that work
  • An easy, guided plan to put your relationship goals into action.
  • The mistakes most couples make when they’re setting relationship goals and why you’ve been stuck in the past
  • How to track your goals for continued success

Don’t wait until January 1st to set these goals. Your relationship deserves to move forward right now.

It’s normally $17 which is already a fabulous price but today I’ve got a special offer for you because I LOVE YOU…drumroll please… for just $3.97! You’re showing me the love and I’m going to show the love right back. Put in the secret double agent coupon code GOALS109 to get the $3.97 price.

I really want you to do this and move your relationship forward.

Grab the Relationship Goal Setting Workbook right here!

Resources and Links:

Keeping Score in Your Relationship Makes You Lose

How to Deal with Passive Aggressive People

How to Make Mindfulness a Habit

How 5 Minutes of Mindfulness a Day Can Make Your Relationship Great!

John Teasdale, The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress

 Ready to find out what goes on inside that crazy mind of Abby’s? 

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