Many have written to me with some variation on the theme of: what should I do if I want something different in the bedroom than my partner?
Sometimes this is about one person wanting to have sex more or less often and sometimes it’s about what you’re actually doing in your sex life. No matter what the exact issue is, if you want different things in the bedroom than your partner, I’ve got your back!
Today I’m going to share my 3-Step Process and The 15 Questions to Ask for a Better Sex Life
Why’s it So Hard to Talk About, Abby?
There are so many reasons from intergenerational trauma to cultural or religious views or issues about sex to possible trauma in your own life to just plain old ignorance that have lead to your current feelings and thoughts about sex.
Since you’re going to ask, here are a few of my favorite “sex” books to get you started:
- Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD (there’s also an excellent companion workbook you can get)
- Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Stephen Snyder, MD
- The Man’s Guide to Women by John Gottman, PhD
Step 1: Get Comfortable With Yourself First.
- Write a list of all the “sex” words you can think of: from vagina to pussy, from penis to cock, from making love to fucking, from 69 to cowgirl to truffle butter.
- Now practice saying the words out loud. When you’re a little more comfortable with that, stand in front of a mirror and say them to yourself. Mirror work of any kind is often powerful because there’s a vulnerability that immediately becomes apparent and this is the closest to speaking to a partner. You can also try to practice the words with a best friend or someone else you trust.
- Lastly, try out some sentences. “I love when you suck on my breasts.” If you’re really feeling brave (and if it fits for you) you can use slang: “I love when you suck on my cock.” “Fuck me harder” is another good one.
Step 2: Timing
1. Do not wait until you’re in bed before speaking with a partner about sex. It’s best to pick a time when you feel connected to your partner out of the bedroom, fully clothed.
2. Start with permission and FULL attention.
- Do you have a few minutes to talk?
- Is now a good time? I have something I want to speak to you about.
- Make sure there are no distractions (cell phones, TV shows, etc.)
Step 3: Talk About What You Do Want
1. When you’re sure you have both (permission and attention) start with saying how you feel.
- I’m a little uncomfortable talking about this, but our sex life is important to me and I want to open up a conversation
- I’m nervous to speak to you about this…
- I’m feeling a little embarrassed and self-conscious so I really need you to be extra-sensitive right now
2. If you don’t like something your partner is doing in bed, you don’t have to point it out as much as you need to point them towards what you do want. This is why you need to get more comfortable first so you can ask for what you want.
3. If you’re still uncomfortable asking for what you want you can say that. Again, be as explicit with your feelings as you can be. An option then would be to find a porn video showing what you do want and asking your partner to do that with you.
4. It’s important to speak up but not criticize. Use the same tools I give you for everything else. Ask questions!!
5. Point them in the right direction: “I love when you X. Can we do more of that?”