IS IT EVER A GOOD IDEA TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOUR EX? (Podcast Episode 216)

back together with ex

The marriage of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has given broken hearts the world over hope that maybe, this time, it could work out with their ex. But despite their seeming success (it’s still early days, after all), is it a good idea for you to get back together with your ex? Today you’ll learn my three rules for deciding if it’s a good idea to get back together with your ex and I’ve got an amazing free journaling tool to help you make a healthy decision.

4-minute read

Just like Camilla Bowles marrying Prince Charles gave hope for side chicks across the globe, the marriage of Jennifer Lopez to Ben Affleck has given millions of exes hope that they can make it work with their ex… this time.

It’s been almost 20 years since Bennifer first started dating, and a LOT has happened since then. They’ve both gotten married to other people, they’ve both had kids, they’ve both gotten divorced from other people, Ben got treatment for his alcohol addiction (and seems to be recovering), and both are in very different places in their careers and lives in general. Timing and individual work have had a lot to do with the seeming success of this hot Hollywood couple.

But what about you? Is it a good idea for you to get back together with an ex? The short answer is that it’s a long shot, but all things are possible as long as you follow a few simple rules.

Rule #1: Be realistic

Let’s get some bad news out of the way. If you look at the research (and you know I always do), it doesn’t look good for your reconciliation making it long-term.

Here’s what we know:

Rule #2: Ask Yourself Some Questions First

If you’re thinking of getting back together with your ex, there’s some serious soul-searching you need to do. Starting with these questions might make it clear right away that this is or isn’t a good idea. I’m going to suggest journaling one question a day and really dedicating some time to your answers, making sure they’re real and not wishful. I’m going to mention a few here, but I’ve created a free Should I Get Back with my Ex journaling prompts handout that goes way deeper, so make sure you download that today!

  • What are the top five reasons I want to get back together with my ex? What’s important is that you look at the answers and make sure that none of them are from fear. For example, are you afraid you won’t find anyone else or anyone else as good? Do you hate being alone? Are you afraid others are judging you (maybe your parents) for being single? If any of these are in your top five, you want to get back out of fear, not love which is a setup for failure.
  • Did your ex cross your boundaries often? If so, how are you going to do things differently now to hold your boundaries?
  • What did your family and friends think of your ex? Were they supportive of the relationship, or did they encourage you to end it many times over the course of the relationship?

Rule #3: You Need to Change, Not Them

If you’re focused on the other person changing so you can now be happy reuniting with your ex, you’re making a mistake. This isn’t about the other person; it’s about you. In fact, you should assume that your ex has not changed permanently, so can you be OK with them as is?

This means you’ve needed to have done some work so you’re not thinking, feeling and reacting, the same way to them. The work you’ve needed to do is around boundaries, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Have you been to therapy to discuss yourself and this relationship?

Are you coming from fear or love? Are you coming from acceptance and openness? The answers to these questions are your bottom line.

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