We’re taught that forgiveness is a mutual thing. That it’s about making amends, talking it through, hugging it out. But the truth, the freeing and maybe painful truth, is that forgiveness isn’t a two-person process. It never has been. Today you’ll learn all about reclaiming forgiveness as something you do for you. You’ll learn the big mistake you’re making when you’re trying to forgive (it’s why it’s been so hard to do before) and my five steps to practice forgiveness as a one-person process.
8-minute read
Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard
Let’s start with this: forgiveness is hard because it feels unfair. Someone causes you pain, and you’re the one expected to do the emotional heavy lifting?! You’re supposed to be the “bigger person,” let go of resentment, and move forward, while they may never acknowledge what they did?
That cognitive dissonance, the clash between the pain you feel and the pressure to release it, is creating your resistance. You think, “Why should I have to do the work to feel better when they did the damage?” But this resistance comes from a misunderstanding. You’re confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation is a mutual act. It requires two people: one to own the harm, and the other to be open to rebuilding trust.
But forgiveness is internal. It’s an individual choice to stop letting the pain dictate your emotional life. It’s not about pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It’s about saying, “I won’t keep living in it.” The emotional labor of forgiveness is yours, yes. But so is the freedom that comes from it. No one else gets to grant you peace; that power has always been yours.
The Biology of Holding On
There’s a reason you hold grudges even when you say you want to move on: your brain is trying to protect you. When you remember an interpersonal betrayal or violation, it activates the same parts of your brain involved in physical pain. Neuroscience studies show that recalling an offense stimulates the anterior cingulate cortex and insula, areas that light up when you’re physically hurt. In other words, the memory hurts. It’s not just emotional. It’s biological.
Your amygdala (the fear part of your brain and its threat detector) also gets involved. Since it processes emotional reactions like fear and anger every time you think about what happened, your body responds like you’re in danger again. This keeps you in a mild but persistent state of fight-or-flight.
But here’s the hopeful part: forgiveness shifts your physiology. Research has shown that people who practice forgiveness have lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), lower blood pressure, and fewer physical symptoms of illness. They sleep better. They experience less anxiety and depression. Letting go isn’t just psychological, it’s somatic. You want to forgive because it’s not about condoning the offense. It’s about disarming your nervous system and feeling better physically and emotionally.
Do You Need to Forgive and Don’t Realize It?
Forgiveness isn’t always about dramatic betrayals or major life events. Sometimes, the things we most need to forgive are the quiet, lingering resentments we’ve carried for years without noticing.
Have you ever:
- Replayed a conversation from months (or years) ago and felt your stomach tighten?
- Thought about someone who “should have known better” and felt your jaw clench?
- Felt bitter when a coworker, sibling, or partner didn’t acknowledge your effort?
- Still resented your parents for how they handled something when you were a kid?
These are all signs that there may be something to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t require that the offense be recent or even intentional. It doesn’t matter if the person “meant well” or if they’ve moved on. If you’re still holding on emotionally, there’s something there.
Here’s a rule of thumb I believe deeply: If you feel any kind of resentment, forgiveness is needed. Resentment is a signal that you’re still carrying emotional pain, and forgiveness is how you set it down.
How Do You Know You Need to Forgive?
Forgiveness isn’t just for the big stuff. Sometimes, the things you need to forgive are subtle. The signs are often emotional, physical, or behavioral:
- You feel tension or anxiety when someone’s name comes up
- You avoid certain places, topics, or conversations because of past pain
- You replay scenarios and imagine what you should have said or done
- You find yourself trying to “win” interactions or prove your worth
- You feel drained or emotionally hijacked after seeing or thinking about them
Sometimes we say we’ve moved on, but our nervous system hasn’t caught up. Here’s the key question to ask yourself: Is this still living in me? If the answer is yes, it might be time to explore forgiveness, not for them, but to lighten your own load.
Common Myths That Keep You Stuck
Let’s unpack four of the most damaging myths about forgiveness:
- Myth 1: Forgiveness means saying it didn’t matter.
Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t deny the harm. In fact, it acknowledges the full weight of it. You can say, “This deeply affected me. It changed me.” And still choose not to carry the pain forever. - Myth 2: You have to tell the person to forgive them.
Truth: That’s reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn’t require a phone call, a face-to-face meeting, or even a text. Sometimes the healthiest boundary is silence. Forgiveness can happen in your car, in your journal, or while crying in your shower. It doesn’t need to be witnessed. - Myth 3: Once you forgive, the pain goes away.
Truth: Forgiveness isn’t a magic trick. You might still feel sad, angry, or unsettled. That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re human. Forgiveness softens the edges of the pain over time, but grief still has its own pace. - Myth 4: Forgiving means you let them back in.
Truth: Nope. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. Boundaries are an act of self-respect. You get to decide who stays in your life, regardless of how much healing you’ve done.
How to Practice Forgiveness (Without Anyone Else Involved)
Before we jump in, I want to tell you that the free download for today’s episode is The Forgiveness Finder: A 10-Minute Self-Assessment to Help You Let Go. This will help you work through the steps I’m about to give you.
Here are my five steps to practice forgiveness as a one-person process:
Step 1. Start with the pain, not the person.
Don’t rush into the mental gymnastics of empathy for the person who hurt you. Begin by acknowledging your own pain fully. What happened? Where do you feel it in your body? What did it change in your life? Give the pain a name and a place. For example, instead of saying, “They were so selfish,” try: “I felt abandoned when I needed help. It made me feel small and unimportant.”
Step 2. Identify what you’re waiting for.
Are you holding out for an apology? An explanation? A grand gesture? Write it down. Be honest. Now ask yourself: what if that never happens? What would it mean to stop needing that to move forward? Maybe you’re waiting for a parent to acknowledge that they didn’t protect you. Maybe you’re hoping a partner will finally say they see the damage they caused. Recognizing these hopes helps you reclaim power and stop outsourcing your healing.
Step 3. Decide what you want to carry.
You can carry the story, or you can carry the lesson. But you don’t need to carry both the pain and the person. Forgiveness is setting down the emotional backpack and walking a little lighter, even if the scar stays. It might sound like: “I don’t excuse what happened, but I choose to move forward without replaying it in my head every night.”
Step 4. Use imagery to release the grip.
Imagine cutting a rope, unlocking a door, or tossing a heavy stone into water. You might write a letter and burn it, or stand in the shower and visualize the pain washing off of you. These rituals aren’t dramatic for drama’s sake; they create a container for emotional movement. Your brain responds to them the same way it responds to a lived experience.
Step 5. Don’t rush it.
Forgiveness has no deadline. Some days you’ll feel resolved. Other days, the memory will hit hard again. That’s not regression, it’s revisiting. Healing is cyclical, not linear. Keep showing up for yourself. A moment of anger doesn’t cancel your progress. It’s just one more layer to be witnessed, met with compassion, and gently released.
Wrap Up
Forgiveness isn’t a group project. It doesn’t require consensus. It doesn’t depend on whether they ever “get it.” You get to feel better even if they never feel sorry. You get to heal even if they’re off living their life like nothing happened.
Because at the end of the day, forgiveness is a one-person job. It’s an act of self-liberation. It’s the decision to stop rehearsing your pain and start reclaiming your peace. Here’s to loosening your grip, even just a little. You’ve carried it long enough.
If this is an area where you need a lot of support, I’m going to highly recommend you download today’s masterclass bundle.
If you’re listening and thinking, “This is hitting home. I probably need to dive into this more,” don’t just sit with that -do something with it. My Therapy-to-Go bundle has everything my online community, The One Love Collective, gets to go deeper on this exact topic, and it’s only $10. You’ll get the free Forgiveness Finder Self-Assessment plus exclusive self-work tools you can use on your own or bring into therapy, because growth doesn’t happen by just listening, it happens when you do the work. Here’s the list of all you’ll get in the Therapy-to-Go Bundle:
One Love Collective/Therapy Bundle
- Journaling Prompts: The One-Person Forgiveness Practice
- A Visual Reminder: What Forgiveness Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)
- Guided Visualization: Cutting the Rope
- The Forgiveness Tracker: A Daily Emotional Check-In
- Letter Template: The Letter You Don’t Have to Send
- Boundaries After Forgiveness Worksheet
- Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Just Because I Forgave You Doesn’t Mean We’re Rebuilding Worksheet
- The Resentment Inventory
- Self-Compassion Mantras for the Forgiveness Process
- Future-Self Letter
Resources for Forgiveness Is a One-Person Job: Why You Don’t Need Them to Feel Better
Join Abby’s One Love Collective on Substack!
Buy the Bundle! Get all the above for only $10
Forgiveness Is a Choice: Interview with Dr. Robert Enright
The 3 Strategies for Forgiveness
How to Forgive Yourself: Five Tips to Let Go of Guilt, Shame and Regret
The Key to Letting Go of Resentment
