HOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING DEFENSIVE OR HURT

listen without getting defensive or hurt

 

Do you get defensive or hurt when listening to someone who’s upset with you (or just upset in general)? It doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, friend or a work colleague — it’s so easy to get defensive and butt-hurt when they’re coming at you with something they’re upset about. When you get into a fear-based emotion yourself, you end up with a conversation that spirals down and you both walk away feeling misunderstood, unhappy and disconnected.

What’s the answer? You can listen without getting hurt and have a great outcome if you follow my quick and easy, seven step process.

You absolutely can have one of those difficult conversations without getting defensive or hurt (or at least without allowing the hurt to ruin the dialogue). The biggest problem people have is that they’re not prepared correctly for the conversation.

You need to put as much energy into the prep as you do to the actual conversation. Once you do that, it’s incredible how great (even easy) this can go!

The 7 Steps to Listening Without Getting Defensive or Hurt

Step 1: Be Ready

You’ve got to be in the right mental frame when you’re approaching the conversation.

Step 2: Identify a Time and Place

Don’t have these conversations “on the run” or as a “by the way.” Set up a time and place that makes sense to have a connecting talk.

 Step 3: Set Intention

State your intention out loud first (both parties, if possible). What’s your intention for this conversation?

Step 4: Be Curious

Actively think of being curious during this conversation.

Step 5: Stay Mindful During the Talk

Keep noticing your reactions. When you notice yourself getting defensive or angry, bring yourself back to present.

Step 6: Ask Clarifying Questions

It’s important to remember that the other person’s complaint, comments or feedback is about what they need, not what you need. Listen for what they need, which isn’t always what they’re asking for. Asking clarifying, collaborative questions after they’re done speaking is the way to go.

Step 7: Take Responsibility

No matter what is said to you, in whatever way, you still have responsibility in this relationship.

Remember, If you can’t find anything you can do or say to move things along then you’re not looking at your own issues. If you’re still feeling hurt and upset by this person, that’s your responsibility. Your feelings are your responsibility. Your boundaries are your responsibility. Your reactions are your responsibility.

This isn’t about blame! Do the one next thing you can and don’t give up and you’ll soon learn how to listen without getting defensive or hurt on a regular basis!

Resources and Links:

 RAS: How to Focus on What’s Right Instead of What’s Wrong in Your Relationship

Eight Rules for Giving Great Feedback

How to Apologize for Real (and Why It’s So Hard!)

 

Sign up below for my FREE quick sheet on “2 Ways to Say How You Feel without Hurt or Defensiveness”!

 Ready to find out what goes on inside that crazy mind of Abby’s? 

Subscribe & Review in iTunes
Are you subscribed to my podcast yet? Well, what are you waiting for? You know you want to make your relationship awesome and getting a weekly reminder on specific ways to do just that is a perfect way to get there! Click here to subscribe in iTunes
 
If you’re up for giving me some extra love, I’d be so very grateful if you’d leave me a review over on iTunes too (make iTunes a link). Reviews help other people find my podcast and they’re also fun for me to go in and read. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much!
Dr. Abby with her Book "Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do A Thing"

GRAB MY BOOK!

Create a happy, connected relationship, even if your partner won’t do a thing! Get my Amazon #1 best-selling book: Be Happily Married Even if Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing.

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

GET MY FREE COMMUNICATION TOOL KIT!

Build a connected, loving relationship with the FREE Communication Tool Kit for Couples.

READ MY ARTICLES FOR MY TOP RELATIONSHIP TIPS AND TOOLS!

Most Popular Episodes

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

Are you dealing with family stress? Lashing out at your mom for that condescending thing she said? Feeling guilty that you’re avoiding your dad because he drives you crazy? Today you’re going to learn my top three tips to not get triggered by family so you can find...

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

What do you do when an extended family member is creating a toxic atmosphere at family gatherings? How do you draw boundaries and feel seen and heard when dealing with toxic family relationships? I'm going deep on this question in today's episode! Ask Dr. Abby is the...

Dr. Abby Medcalf's weekly newsletter

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you motivated to stay on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

Get your weekly love letter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!