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Owning your shit is the key to a happy life because if you don’t own your shit, it’ll own you. If you’re blaming anyone else for anything in your life, it means you’re not taking responsibility for what you need to, and it’s keeping you stuck. Today I’m going to teach you the three ways you’re neglecting your own emotional needs and how to fix it!
Owning your shit is all about taking 100% responsibility for the relationships in your life. When I say 100% responsibility, what I’m really saying is that you own that you’ve co-created every relationship in your life. So, you’re taking 100% responsibility for your role – not theirs (that’s codependency). This is about owning your own shit, not their shit.
And now I’ll stop saying “shit” so much. Because when I talk about owning your shit, what I really mean is that you own your thoughts and feelings completely. You don’t blame others for “making you feel” a certain way and you realize that how you respond to things is a choice, not a fact. When you own your stuff, you aren’t blaming other people for what’s happening and you’re also not waiting for them to take action. It’s not their job to jump in and “save” or rescue you.
Symptoms of Not Owning Your Shit
- If you get caught up in VERB (acting like a Victim, acting Entitled, waiting to be Rescued or Blaming)
- If you feel (or have been told you’re) passive, needy, weak or clingy in relationships
- If you’re always looking for someone else to give you support, reassurance or advice
- If your feelings change based on others (they’re in a bad mood, so you are too; you’re proud of something until someone else poops on it and then you change your mind)
- If you’re preoccupied with your relationships – always checking in, asking for feedback or wondering about what they’re thinking
- If you’re perfectionistic and self-critical, which will cause you to look to others to build your self-esteem; you’re often anxious about how you’re showing up and what others will say
- If you’ve identified that you’re anxiously attached
There are generally three main reasons why you don’t own your feelings
- You don’t know you’re having them. You’re so far from knowing how you feel that you’re not even aware of them.
- You don’t feel entitled to them. There’s some shame going on and you don’t feel like you deserve to feel this way (“I’m over-reacting”; “I’m too emotional”)
- You’re worried that if you say how you feel the other person won’t like you. This means they’ll abandon you, judge you or criticize you. These last two reasons are very linked to your self-esteem, which is likely low if you’re feeling this way.
Because you think this way, you literally end up emotionally neglecting and mistreating yourself. This leads to not owning your own stuff and blaming those around you. You’ve got to know and understand your thoughts and feelings to stop this cycle.
This emotional self-neglect shows up in three main ways so I’m going to walk you through them and teach you what you want to do instead so you can stop blaming other people and circumstances and start owning your own emotions and life.
The Three Ways You Emotionally Mistreat Yourself (and What to Do Instead)
1. You allow other people to tell you how you think and feel.
As I mentioned earlier, no one can “make you feel” anything. It’s always up to you and this always boils down to your thoughts about things (remember you feel the way you think). You end up allowing others to tell you what should be important to you and where, who and what you should focus on.
You blame others for how you feel and you decide they’re the “why” of how you feel.
What to Do Instead:
There are actually two things I want you to do in this situation. First, when you’re noticing that you’re having a reaction, you need to ask yourself why you’re having that reaction. What’s happening is that you have a belief about whatever’s going on and this creates a feeling in you. You then react from that feeling.
You want to identify what you believe about what’s happening that’s creating the feeling you’re having. Then, you want to do some RET work around it. What else could be true?
Second, I want you to focus on your calibration and being the dominant vibration in the room!
2. You’ve got crappy boundaries
You haven’t set clear boundaries and limits with others about what you will and won’t accept and then you often end up upset that they’re treating you a certain way. You also don’t like it when they have clear boundaries! How dare they when they’re making demands of you but then not allowing you to make demands of them!
What to Do Instead:
Identify your boundaries. How do you want to be treated? What’s acceptable and what’s not? Then you’ve got to stick to those and remind people when they don’t meet your boundary. This often means getting better at building your confidence and self-esteem.
3. You ignore your triggers
As you pay more attention to your emotions and how you’re feeling, you notice what triggers you and prepare for it. You’ve had so many of these triggers for years, yet you continue to accept them and not work on them. You work on not getting so mad instead in a certain situation instead of working on getting rid of the trigger itself.
What to Do Instead:
It’s not, “Oh, I’m going to my mom’s so I’m going to feel like crap.” It’s, “I’m going to my mom’s which usually triggers me. I’m going to do X and Y to make sure I’m not triggered today.” What can you think instead about what your mom is saying? What can you do to get yourself ready and to be that dominant vibration?
Overall, you’ve got to observe these reactions you’re having, without judgment. You want to work on understanding what’s triggering you and why so you can change how you show up.
This means you’ve got to up your mindfulness game. You’ve got to be more aware in your moments of the reactions you’re having. I’ve made it really easy for you to be more mindful. Enter your name and email below to download the Mindfulness Starter Kit to get started today!
How Attached Are You to Your Partner
Shame: The Silent Killer in Relationships
RET: Change How You Feel with This One Easy Tool
The Secret to Positive Thinking in All Your Relationships
Boundaries: How to Identify Them and How to Hold Them
Are You Being Triggered in Your Relationship?