HOW TO STOP RESCUING AND START SUPPORTING

how to stop rescuing and start supporting

 

Want to read the more in-depth version? Click here to read the blog!

I’ve got a quick quiz for you: Do you think you know what’s best for others and do stuff for them even when they didn’t ask? Do you put in more time and effort thinking about your partner’s issues than they do? Do you feel like others don’t appreciate what you do and get resentful? Do you have trouble relaxing if someone you love is unhappy? If you’re answering “yes,” you are likely a rescuer and it’s keeping you stuck, disconnected and dissatisfied in your relationships. As always, I’m here to help. Today you’ll learn my four simple steps to stop rescuing so you can start truly connecting and supporting the people in your life.

So how do you know if you’re being supportive, which is healthy, or codependent and rescuing, which is unhealthy?

To help you understand, I’m going to walk you through a real-life example that I’ve no doubt you’ll relate to. Listen to the podcast (above) or click here to hear about the problem Jack and Diane were experiencing.

So, let’s look at what happened.

  • This arguing was making Jack anxious and uncomfortable, so he was having fear-based emotions but he never spoke to them (more fear)
  • Being a conflict avoider, he went with the dismissive, minimizing and fear-based response: “Let’s all relax and have a nice dinner” and “Let’s change the subject.” Again, he wasn’t honest about what he was feeling so nothing changed. Remember, you’ve got to connect to correct. You connect with vulnerable, real feelings. Since he wasn’t giving them these, they weren’t OK with being “corrected.”
  • He wasn’t honest. He wasn’t vulnerable. When things weren’t going like he wanted, he felt helpless (more fear) and left the table; abandonment is all about fear.
  • Yelling at his mom was fear-based obviously. And he was rescuing Diane instead of supporting her. People need to stand up for themselves, but know that you’re there for them and have their back when they do.
  • This is putting Diane in a bad light as he was the knight in shining armor and she’s the damsel in distress who can’t speak up for herself – the mom resented it and so did Diane.

In these situations, you’ve got to come from a love-based emotions: compassion, kindness, patience and vulnerability, not from the fear-based emotions: avoidance, dismissiveness, minimizing, deflecting, anger, attacking, defensiveness or anxiety.

What to do instead:

Step 1: Notice yourself in the moment and be in the here-and-now.

Step 2: Identify what you’re actually feeling.

Step 3: Share how you’re feeling – be vulnerable.

Step 4: Be in love solidarity, not fear solidarity.

RESOURCES

3 Steps to Loving Detachment

Hoffman Feelings List

Are You Codependent?

The Secret to Making Boundaries, Not Walls

Boundaries: How to Make Them, How to Hold Them

Don’t SAC! 8 Rules to Giving Great Feedback

 

Enter your name and email below to get the I Feel Statement Exercise!

 Ready to find out what goes on inside that crazy mind of Abby’s? 

Subscribe & Review in iTunes
Are you subscribed to my podcast yet? Well, what are you waiting for? You know you want to make your relationship awesome and getting a weekly reminder on specific ways to do just that is a perfect way to get there! Click here to subscribe in iTunes
If you’re up for giving me some extra love, I’d be so very grateful if you’d leave me a review over on iTunes too (make iTunes a link). Reviews help other people find my podcast and they’re also fun for me to go in and read. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much!
Dr. Abby with her Book "Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do A Thing"

GRAB MY BOOK!

Create a happy, connected relationship, even if your partner won’t do a thing! Get my Amazon #1 best-selling book: Be Happily Married Even if Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing.

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

GET MY FREE COMMUNICATION TOOL KIT!

Build a connected, loving relationship with the FREE Communication Tool Kit for Couples.

READ MY ARTICLES FOR MY TOP RELATIONSHIP TIPS AND TOOLS!

Most Popular Episodes

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

Are you dealing with family stress? Lashing out at your mom for that condescending thing she said? Feeling guilty that you’re avoiding your dad because he drives you crazy? Today you’re going to learn my top three tips to not get triggered by family so you can find...

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

What do you do when an extended family member is creating a toxic atmosphere at family gatherings? How do you draw boundaries and feel seen and heard when dealing with toxic family relationships? I'm going deep on this question in today's episode! Ask Dr. Abby is the...

Dr. Abby Medcalf's weekly newsletter

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you motivated to stay on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!