Spirituality in a relationship isn’t just about whether you go to temple, church, or mosque together. What we believe (or don’t) either religiously or spiritually touches everything from how we spend our time and money to how we raise our children and even what friendships we keep. Today I’m going to talk about the common mistakes couples make when there are different religions or spiritual beliefs (and I made every one of these mistakes myself, by the way), my top three action tips, and I’ve got an amazing free exercise to help you find that common ground and peace.
7-minute read
When it comes to managing different beliefs in your relationship, some of it’s obvious. For example, if you believe there’s a God and often spend your time in prayer, but your partner is an atheist who believes that all this God talk is pure rubbish, it doesn’t take Einstein to see that you’re going to have difficulties. However, it can also be trouble if you’re someone who doesn’t follow any religion per se, but you’re highly spiritual and maybe believe that you’re an energetic being and carry crystals in your pocket, but your partner thinks that’s all bullshit.
So, what we’re going to discuss today isn’t just about religion but also how you operate spiritually. Having said that, we’re going to delve into religious beliefs for just a moment.
A Little Background
In the U.S., about 70% of people still marry within the same faith. But that same research also shows that marrying within the same faith is less important than it was in previous years. And what’s really interesting about that (at least to me) is that the majority of these interfaith marriages are between Christians and people who aren’t affiliated with a religion of any kind. What I also found interesting (you know I love this stuff) is that, as people age here in the US, their religion becomes more important to them! So, spiritual differences that might not have been an issue in the first years of your relationship will likely become an issue if you stay together a long time.
I know I’ve got people reading this from all around the world, but going down the rabbit hole of finding current stats in other countries was just too much to include today. However, in my perusal of all the international research, I found a large-scale study that is conducted periodically in 48 countries. And the big finding I think is pertinent for today’s discussion is that, in the last decade, there have been major changes in people’s religious vs. spiritual identification. Specifically, people who reported being more religious declined, while those saying they were more spiritual grew.
There are Really Two Groups
This brings me to the heart of our discussion today. For me, there are really two groups of couples when it comes to managing different spiritual beliefs. The first is if you practice two different religions. For example, if you’re Christian but your partner is Jewish or Moslem.
The other group of couples encompasses one partner following a religion or spiritual path while the other is atheist or agnostic. For a quick definition (I often mix these two up), an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in a God of any kind, while an agnostic is someone who doesn’t believe it’s possible to know for sure if a God exists. For couples who have different religions, I think it can be a little easier, believe it or not, because you can find a way to align spiritually, even though your religions don’t. For the couples where one is spiritual, and one is not at all, it can be a little tougher. But, for either type of couple, it’s about deciding what the culture and values are inside your home and within your relationship. More on that when I get to my tips.
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The Top 8 Mistakes Couples Make when it Comes to Different Spiritual Beliefs
Before I jump into today’s tips, I want to talk about the mistakes I see couples make when it comes to different spiritual beliefs. And let me be clear that, in my first marriage, I made every single one of these mistakes to some degree, so I feel your pain!
- Not discussing the differences before getting married (or even dating seriously). I think people don’t want to talk about it because they know it can be a deal breaker, so they keep their heads in the clouds and think love will conquer all. It doesn’t.
- Not agreeing to the way you’ll raise kids spiritually and thinking it’ll just “work itself out” or “we’ll let them choose.”
- Not discussing religious traditions beforehand and what is or isn’t OK.
- Not learning about your partner’s faith and thinking it’s about them, not you. If your partner had cancer, would you not learn all you could about that particular type of cancer? Well, this is something affecting your daily life, and you’re not going to learn the history, rituals, and traditions your partner values?
- Avoiding conversations because you think there’s no way to compromise or a place to find mutual ground.
- Thinking that your beliefs are the only “right” ones and/or trying to push your beliefs on your partner.
- Getting too many outside opinions on this issue.
- Creating any kind of competition or defensiveness around the holidays.
Three Tips for Creating Common Ground and Peace
Tip #1: Respect and Support
No matter what else you do, creating respect for one another’s beliefs is the main thing you’ve got to accomplish. There can’t be arguing or debating or trying to convince the other person of something. See it as you would any hobby that makes the other person happy. I think Gary doing Spartan races is a little crazy, but it makes him happy and brings him peace. My spiritual beliefs are the same.
There can be no ridiculing or rolling of eyes. There can be no criticism or trying to prove your partner wrong. It’s not about believing what your partner believes; it’s about respecting your partner’s right to hold their views and finding a way to support them. This could be your Christian partner learning the Jewish prayer over the Shabbat candles or you keeping the kids out of the bedroom so your partner can have uninterrupted meditation time each morning.
Tip #2: Learn and Accept
Make it a goal to learn about one another’s beliefs or point of view. This isn’t a time to debate or argue. It’s a time to have an open mind and listen with an open heart. Seek to understand one another and ask thoughtful questions. Your only goal is to learn something, not prove something. When you can truly understand and accept that your partner has a different belief than you (even if that’s no belief), you’ll be able to find common ground because you’ll both stop being defensive and start being open. Think about going with them to their religious services or events or learning about and observing their rituals at home. This is a powerful way to show your partner that you value them and you’re accepting (and even embracing) who they are.
Tip #3: Identify Your Values
What keeps a couple together and thriving are shared core values. Your spiritual beliefs might be different, but where do you intersect? What makes up the core of your relationship?
One of my heroes, Dr. Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning), said that people are “pushed by drives and pulled by values.”
Your shared values are your True North in your relationship. They’re your guide when you’re deciding what path to take, or they can give you direction when you’re feeling lost. They’re like your guideposts, bringing comfort and clarity. These are the things that are the most important to the both of you, not just on an intellectual level but on a heart or soul level.
In the past, Family Crests or a Coat-of-Arms signified what a family stood for (their values) and what significant accomplishments that family had (their actions in line with those values). Even if you have a family crest that’s been passed down, it’s a wonderful practice to do your own and see if it’s in alignment. Your family crest has two components. The first is your family motto or a phrase that sums up who you are or what you believe in as a whole. The second piece is comprised of your four top values. I’ve got a free exercise for you to download so you and your partner can create your own family crest and start living the values that are important to both of you.
Resources for Managing Different Spiritual Beliefs in Your Relationship
Pew Research Center (2009) Growing Old in America: Expectations vs. Reality.
International Social Survey Programme (2018) Religion IV.
References for Managing Different Spiritual Beliefs in Your Relationship
Racco, M. (Dec 2017) Global News. How to manage differences in religious beliefs in a relationship
Marital status by religious group graph
The ISSP Religion IV is a cross-national survey conducted in 48 countries
