Ever had someone freeze you out of a group text? Spread just enough gossip to make you doubt yourself? Smile to your face while subtly undermining you behind your back? That’s not just “drama,” it’s a form of bullying called relational aggression, and it can wreck friendships, families, and entire communities if it’s left unchecked. It’s not just drama. It’s emotional sabotage. Today, I’m breaking down what relational aggression really is, why it’s so destructive, and the research-backed strategies to protect yourself and stop the cycle, whether you’re dealing with family gatherings, sorority politics, or your neighborhood book club.
7-minute read
What is Relational Aggression?
Relational aggression is the deliberate use of social relationships to hurt someone. Instead of physical harm or direct verbal attacks, the goal is to damage your reputation, your social standing, or your sense of belonging.
It can look like:
- Excluding someone from group activities or conversations.
- Spreading rumors or sharing “just concerned” gossip.
- The silent treatment or deliberate ignoring.
- Backhanded compliments and “jokes” at your expense.
- Recruiting allies to take sides against you.
We psychologists first started studying this in kids and teens, but it happens at every age. In fact, research shows it’s just as prevalent in adults; we’ve just learned to dress it up in polite language or humor so it flies under the radar.
It’s not just drama. It’s emotional sabotage.
Where You See It Most
While relational aggression can happen anywhere, there are some hot spots:
- Greek Life and Social Clubs: When status, popularity, and belonging are the currency, relational aggression becomes a way to protect social rank.
- Families: Sibling alliances, in-law turf wars, or extended family “cold wars” over things like holidays or parenting styles.
- Friend Groups: Gatekeeping who’s invited to what.
- Workplaces: Being left off key emails or meeting invites.
And here’s the kicker: research suggests that while women may use relational aggression more often in social groups, men use it too, especially in competitive settings like sports teams or corporate politics.
Why It’s So Damaging
Humans are wired for connection. Believe it or not, there’s plenty of research showing that being socially excluded activates the same brain regions that process physical pain. That’s why being iced out of a group text can hurt as much as a punch in the gut.
- Increased anxiety and depression.
- Lower self-esteem and self-worth.
- Erosion of trust within the community.
- A constant feeling of walking on eggshells.
In addition, I’ve talked many times on this podcast about trust, specifically something I call the trust triad. Basically, there are three things that make up trusting someone: integrity, competence, and goodwill. Well, relational aggression attacks all three. When someone is gossiping about you or excluding you, they’re eroding the integrity of the group, calling your competence into question, and showing you zero goodwill.
The Reframe
The most common reactions to relational aggression are behaviors like people pleasing/fawning or aggression on your own part. But you can’t “fix” relational aggression by trying harder to be liked or by being mean in return. The problem isn’t that you need to change who you are; the problem is that you’re dealing with someone willing to weaponize connection.
Why People Engage in Relational Aggression
It usually comes down to:
- Insecurity: they see you as a threat to their standing or are jealous of you in some way.
- Learned Behavior: they grew up in a home or community where gossip and exclusion were tools for control.
- Conflict Avoidance: rather than address issues directly, they work around you socially.
- Fear of Exclusion: they target you before they become the target (really just insecurity dressed up as something else).
What To Do If You’re the Target
There are five steps to follow if you’ve been the target of relational aggression. These aren’t about being perfect in the moment. They’re about shifting the power back to you and protecting your well-being.
1. Name it to yourself.
The first move is recognizing what’s happening. When you identify it as relational aggression, you shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “Ah, this is a tactic.” Naming it gives you psychological distance; it’s not a character flaw, it’s someone else’s unhealthy way of trying to gain control. As I’ve mentioned many times here on the podcast, the research shows that simply labeling experiences reduces emotional intensity by calming the amygdala and re-engaging your prefrontal cortex. That means you’ll feel less hijacked and more grounded.
2. Don’t feed the drama.
The pull to fight fire with fire is strong. But gossiping back or excluding them in return is like tossing kerosene on the flame. Not only does this escalate the conflict, but it also erodes your own sense of integrity. Instead, practice what I call “strategic disengagement.” This means choosing not to engage in toxic exchanges, limiting venting to one trusted person if you need to get it out, and focusing your energy on solutions. Think of it as starving the behavior of the attention it thrives on.
3. Use direct conversation when safe.
When you’re in a situation where it feels safe, calmly call out the behavior without over-explaining. Keep your words simple and factual, less is more here. Try something like, “I noticed I wasn’t included in the meeting. Was there a reason?” or “I heard a comment that surprised me. Can you clarify what you meant?” Notice there’s no accusation, no loaded language, just curiosity and clarity. This interrupts the aggressor’s ability to hide behind subtlety. I understand that knowing the right thing to say can be difficult, so the free download this week contains my Relationship Aggression Response Scripts so you’ll have language ready to go.
4. Strengthen other connections.
Relational aggression isolates you by design. The antidote is intentionally building other sources of support. This could mean deepening ties with colleagues outside the toxic circle, investing in friendships that feel reciprocal, or leaning on supportive family members. Social belonging is one of the strongest buffers against psychological stress. You don’t need everyone in your corner, but you do need someone.
5. Set boundaries with the BRAVE Boundary Method.
Boundaries are your ultimate shield here. Using my BRAVE Boundary Method, you state your boundary once, restate it calmly if needed without justification, and then follow through with consequences. Example: “If you continue excluding me from emails, I’ll bring it directly to the supervisor.” Then, if it happens again, you do it. No threats, just consistent follow-through. Boundaries aren’t about changing the aggressor; they’re about showing yourself that your needs and dignity matter.
Most importantly, this is how you really thrive in these situations. You focus on what you’re doing, instead of what they’re doing. The power to change and take new action is yours. You’re not a victim.
The Hard Truth
Relational aggression thrives on making you doubt yourself and keeping you small. These five steps are about reclaiming your footing. You don’t have to win them over, and you don’t have to fix their behavior. What you can do is protect your peace, lean into healthier connections, and stand tall in your boundaries. The moment you stop internalizing their tactics and start standing in your own clarity, the power dynamic shifts and that’s where your real strength lies.
To be clear, you may not be able to change the group. Your real power is deciding whether you’ll stay in a system that rewards this behavior.
If You Witness It
- Speak up in the moment: “Hey, let’s not talk about her when she’s not here.”
- Redirect conversations away from gossip.
- Include the person being excluded.
- Model the kind of group dynamic you want to see.
If You’re the One Doing It
- Notice when you feel the urge to exclude or gossip.
- Ask: “Am I trying to solve a problem, or am I trying to hurt someone?”
- Practice direct, respectful conflict resolution.
Closing Reframe
Relational aggression thrives in the shadows. The second you shine a light on it, whether you’re the target, the witness, or even the one who’s done it, it starts to lose its power. You don’t have to fix the whole group, but you can choose to show up differently.
One Love Collective/Therapy-to-Go Bundle
- Relationship Aggression Response Scripts
- The BRAVE Boundary Method: Relational Aggression Edition
- Circle of Safety Map: Who’s in Your Circle, and Who Needs a Gate?
- Guided Visualization: The Social Armor
- Journaling Prompts: Name it to Tame It
- Relational Aggression Self-Check Quiz
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for Relational Aggression: How to Recognize It and Stop It in Friend Groups, Families, and More
Download the bundle for this episode
How to Be Honest and Build Trust in a Relationship
People-Pleasing Might Be a Trauma Response
Overcoming Insecurity and Silencing Your Inner Critic
What to Do if Your Partner is Conflict Avoidant: Dealing with Your Own Conflict Avoidance
The Five Steps to Resolving Conflict in Any Relationship
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
