Families can be wonderful and supportive, but they can also be experts at overstepping, guilt-tripping, and ignoring personal space, like a TSA agent who really loves their job. If you’ve ever struggled to say “no” to a family request (that felt more like a demand), you’re not alone. The good news? You can establish limits and boundaries without turning into a villain or cutting ties completely. Today you’ll learn actionable strategies and my four steps to set healthy, effective boundaries with the people you’re trying so hard to love.
12-minute read
Introduction
Ever feel like your family treats your life like a group project where you didn’t sign up to participate? Your mom still calls every day to ask if you’re eating enough vegetables (even though you’re 40). Your cousin expects you to fund his latest “business venture” (aka a pyramid scheme). Your sibling keeps dropping their kids off at your place like you’re running an unlicensed daycare. Sound familiar? If so, it might be time to set some healthy limits with your beloved family.
Note: Cultural Expectations and Boundaries
Different cultures have different expectations around family involvement, physical space, and emotional boundaries. Some cultures value independence, where moving out at 18 is the norm. Others are deeply communal, where family members live together or expect constant closeness.
Neither is “wrong,” but it’s important to recognize where your own boundaries might clash with cultural norms. Because I’m not going deep here, I’ve created a “Boundaries Within Different Cultures” Worksheet to help you dig deeper and identify what you want to work on specifically. This is a great exercise even if you’re the whitest person alive and have lived in the US since the Mayflower or your family can trace its Italian lineage back to the Kingdom of Italy (before it was a country in 1946). You still have a family culture around boundaries!
Why Boundaries Are Essential for Your Sanity (and Your Relationships)
Boundaries get a bad rap. Some people hear “boundaries” and think “cold, selfish, and unloving.” But in reality, boundaries aren’t barriers; they’re relationship enhancers. Boundaries are love (really). Think about it: If your best friend kept texting you at 2 AM for relationship advice, you’d eventually start ignoring or complaining about them. Or if your boss kept dumping all their work on you without a word, you’d probably start looking for another job.
But when family oversteps, we tell ourselves it’s just “the way they are.” We endure it, get resentful, and then snap at Thanksgiving when Aunt Carol comments on our weight one more time.
Your mindset needs to shift. It’s time to equate healthy boundaries with healthy relationships because they help you:
- Protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being.
- Foster mutual respect (instead of feeling like an unpaid therapist or ATM).
- Have loving (or at least neutral) thoughts about your loved ones instead of constantly feeling resentful, frustrated, or drained.
When you set clear boundaries, you’re not pushing people away; you’re giving the relationship the best chance to thrive. What do I always say? Walls are meant to keep people out and boundaries are meant to keep people in.
Creating Your Boundaries
I wrote an entire book (Boundaries Made Easy) dedicated to boundaries, which includes a step-by-step guide for how to make them, and I also just released The Workbook: Boundaries Made Easier for those of you having a really tough time holding your boundaries, so need more self-reflection.
In both, I go into great detail, explaining that boundaries are created in three steps:
- First, figuring out your deal breakers (core values)
- Then, creating standards from those values
- And finally, adding “teeth” or a response you’ll have if the other person doesn’t respect your boundary. These are not consequences – no one is getting punished for not following your boundary.
Your core values/deal breakers are things like respect, appreciation, being part of a team, people having your back or kindness. You want to be careful in creating your boundaries because you want to focus on what you need, not what you want or would like to see.
For example, if your deal breaker is respect, the standards you would create from that might be:
- They include you in all financial decisions (if we’re talking about your partner)
- They give you their full attention when you speak to them about what’s important to you (this is a great standard for all your relationships)
- They treat you a certain way alone or in a group setting (talk you up, tell you how they support you, don’t gossip about you or gang up on you with others)
- The relationship is reciprocal (not 50/50 but reciprocal)
Ways you’d like to see respect, maybe with your partner, might be things like:
- Picking up after themselves
- Throwing socks in the hamper
- Bringing you flowers
- Planning romantic trips for you
- Saying “thank you” for what you do around the house or at work
When you don’t get what you need, you end up over-focusing on what you’d like to see. This is too much for you and the other person. It’s too much for you because you end up focusing everywhere and start to see every little thing other people do as a sign that they don’t respect you. For your partner, mom, or friend, it’s too much because they have this huge target, and they feel overwhelmed and like they can never do anything right!
Before we jump into the four steps for holding boundaries with your family, I want to mention that I created a mini-masterclass on setting boundaries with your family that’s available to my online Patreon Community, The One Love Collective. If you don’t want to join but would like all these worksheets, prompts, scripts, and even an audio visualization, then listen to the end where I’ll list everything you can get for just $8.
The Four Steps to Holding Boundaries with Your Family
1. Communicate Boundaries Firmly and with Loving Intention
Now, the tricky part: saying it out loud. It’s important to communicate your boundaries before things happen, whenever possible so you’re giving others a heads up with how you’re going to be shifting how you relate to them.
It’s best to wait for a good moment (when you’re feeling relaxed and content with the other person if possible) and say to your dad, “Can I speak to you about something? I haven’t liked the way we’ve been communicating. I often walk away not liking how I’ve reacted, and I end up feeling disconnected and resentful. I want to feel closer to you, so, I’ve made some changes. From now on, I’m not OK with any advice, suggestions, or criticism. I want you to treat me lovingly and be a cheerleader for me in our conversations. When there are times you can’t do that, I’ll be ending the conversation/walking away/hanging up and we’ll try again another day.
They might say things like:
- What, I can’t give my opinion anymore?
- I’m just supposed to sit back quietly while I see you make mistakes?
- You’re asking me to change my personality, and this is me!
Your response needs to stick to the mantra: “I’m just telling you how I need to interact to feel close to you. If you don’t want to do that, it’s your choice, and I’ll be sad, but I’ll understand.
2. Be Confident
Do not apologize, justify, or explain. No is a complete sentence. Do not repeat your boundary! Say it once and, if the other person doesn’t adhere to it, it’s now your job to follow up on the “teeth” part (which I’ll get to in a minute).
When you give someone reasons for your boundary, they’ll find ways to poke holes in it and then you’ll be trying to defend yourself. Your only “reasons” given are that you want to feel closer to them, and you can’t do that when you’re feeling resentful and frustrated.
3. Stop Being Angry
Stop getting angry when someone doesn’t follow your boundaries. No matter how perfectly you say what you’ve got to say, most people will get upset that you’ve drawn a boundary – it’s the reason you have to do it in the first place! They don’t get it (I say with love).
You want to be like a cop giving a speeding ticket. They don’t come up to your car window furious that you dared to speed on their highway. No, they calmly give you the ticket and then you need to go deal with the consequences/outcomes of your actions. Be the cop. Remember, boundaries are love!
Stay calm, and don’t take the bait. If you react emotionally, it turns into a power struggle, not a productive conversation. Keep your response neutral.
“Mom/partner/friend, I love you and want to connect. When you speak to me this way/react like this/say X/insert boundary issue here, I don’t want to spend time with you and end up resentful and angry, which I don’t want.”
4. Follow Through
A boundary without follow-through is just a suggestion. If you say you won’t answer work calls during dinner, but then you do, the boundary dissolves. Boundaries only work when you enforce them consistently. Remember, do not threaten, “I told you that if you talk about my weight, I’m going to leave, so don’t do it again.” If you’ve made a boundary clear, and the other person tramples it in some way, it’s now your job to follow through on what you said you’d do if they didn’t respect your boundary. No drama, yelling, or slamming of doors.
These Rules Apply to Limits, Too
There are also smaller areas in your interactions that I refer to as personal limits. These are slightly different than boundaries. These are instances where you often say yes, but you really want to say no.
For example, your mom and dad show up unannounced (again) on a Saturday when you’ve made plans to spend the day with just you and your partner and kids. When they come to the door (I certainly hope you didn’t give them a key so they can just wander in whenever), stop them right there and tell them the truth:
“I wish you hadn’t shown up unannounced. We’ve made plans with just us today, and we’re going to keep those plans. In the future, please let us know you’d like to see us so we can see what works. Do you want to make a plan now for tomorrow?” (Only say this if you want to – not out of guilt!).
You would apply all the same rules we just discussed. Say what you’re doing clearly. Be confident. Don’t be angry at them for showing up unannounced. Follow through on what you said you were going to do.
They might accuse you of being selfish or a problem (too sensitive, too worried, etc.) This is a classic deflection move. You finally set a limit, and instead of respecting it, they flip the script and make you the villain.
- “Wow, you’re being so selfish.”
- “You only think about yourself.”
- “We’re family; why can’t we come too?”
Translation: “I don’t like this limit because it means I can’t get what I want.”
When someone calls you selfish for setting a boundary or a limit, they’re the ones being selfish – they just don’t see it that way. Instead of considering your needs, they’re upset that they’re not getting what they want. The more pushback you receive is directly correlated to how overdue your boundary or limit is!
You might feel uncomfortable. That’s OK. It’s temporary. What’s not temporary? A lifetime of resentment because you never spoke up.
Common Issues with Family
1. The Emotional Dumping Ground
You love your family, but that doesn’t mean you have the bandwidth to be their full-time therapist. Some relatives treat phone calls like free counseling sessions, unloading every frustration while you just sit there like a hostage. “I can’t believe your father still hasn’t fixed the leaky sink. He cares more about that dumb fantasy football league than me.”
Set a boundary: “I care about you, but it’s not OK for you to complain to me about Dad (or anyone). I’ll be immediately ending all conversations where you talk about someone else in a negative or gossipy way.”
2. The “Your Life is My Business” Relative
Some family members believe that your personal decisions are their personal decisions.
- Your job? They have opinions.
- Your dating life? They have so many opinions.
- Your parenting choices? Forget about it.
Set a Boundary: “I appreciate your concern, but I’m happy with my choices and don’t need input on this. Unless it’s a compliment, don’t comment on my parenting/dating/job in the future, or I’ll end the conversation/stop coming over/stop inviting you to lunch.”
3. The Financial Expectations
Some families operate like a shared bank account you didn’t sign up for. Whether it’s a parent expecting financial support, a sibling asking for loans, or a cousin assuming you’ll pick up the check, money boundaries can get awkward.
Set a Boundary: “I have financial priorities I need to stick to, so I can’t lend money. If you continue to bring it up/ask, I’m going to x, y, or z.”
Final Thoughts
Boundaries aren’t mean, and allowing people to treat you any way they want isn’t nice. Because I’ll tell you this, you don’t think or say nice things about these family members that “trample your boundaries.” So what is really “nice” here? Is it nice to lie to your family? Because that’s what you’re doing every single time you say yes when you want to say no or when you don’t say how you’re really feeling and then seethe in anger behind their back.
And I’m going to give you what might be a difficult truth to accept. You allow other people to “trample your boundaries” because you don’t want to deal with what you think will be uncomfortable feelings. You’re not doing it to be nice to them. You’re doing it for your own selfish reasons of not wanting to deal with real feelings in a moment. And that would be fine, except then, you blame the other person for not respecting you or the limits you’ve set. Do you realize how crazy it is?
In the end, you need to give others time to adjust. Most people eventually accept the new dynamic, especially when they see you’re happier and more present because of it. At first, they might feel like you’re pulling away but, over time, they’ll see that these boundaries actually help the relationship rather than hurt it.
For the One Love Collective Community:
Tier One: The Inner Circle
- The Boundary Clarity Worksheet: The purpose of this worksheet is to help you which boundaries you need and why.
- Learning to Hold Boundaries with Family Journaling Prompts
- One Week Boundary Challenge
Tier Two: The Love Accelerator
- Guided meditation for Holding Boundaries
- Family Boundary Script Bank: It’s important to have ready-to-use responses for tough conversations.
Tier Three: The VIP Love Lab
- Letter writing exercise
- Stop Feeling Guilty When You Set Boundaries: Mindset Shift Exercise
- Uncovering Your Boundary Blueprint
Resources for The Four Steps to Set Healthy Boundaries with Family
Boundaries Within Different Cultures Worksheet
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
