WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARTNER THREATENS A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE (PODCAST EPISODE 131)

Are you stressing because your partner has thrown around words like divorce, break up, trial separation, maybe we should see other people, I’m just not happy or I need to take a break?

Well, the cavalry is here! I’ve got you! What can or should you be doing if your partner is making threats and telling you they’re unhappy?

Today I’m going to teach you

• The four things to look out for that might mean your partner is serious and not just making a threat.
• And then we’re diving deep into the three things you need to know, and the three things you can do, to turn your relationship around.
• I’ve also got one of my amazing gifts for you that’s really going to help you create a loving, connected relationship.

How do you know if your partner is making a threat or if they’re really serious about ending the relationship? In the last 30+ years I’ve seen it all and I’ve identified four things, I call them the four C’s, that will likely tell you if it’s really too late to save things.

1. The first C is Commitment elsewhere

If your partner is fully committed to another person and making a threat to leave you, it’s probably real.

2. The second C is Contact

If there’s no contact at all you can’t do what’s needed to make the relationship work

3. The third C is Contempt

Famous marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has been studying couples in his marriage lab for decades and he’s found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

4. The Fourth C is Confusion

Mainly, I don’t want you to confuse words and action. Your partner telling you they want a divorce or to break up is one thing, but what action have they taken?

The three things you need to know:

1. See this as an opportunity – you can’t be happy either!
2. The one in the most pain needs to change first.
3. Last, but really the most important is to know this: Your partner isn’t looking for a way out, they’re looking for a way in.

The Three Things You Need to Do:

1. It’s time to stop focusing on them and what they’re doing and focus completely on you and what you’re
2. You need to connect, before you correct. So many couples are looking to fix problems but there’s no connection there so your partner isn’t motivated to work on anything.
3. Be the person you want to see in the relationship. Why would your partner want to come back if you’re acting rageful, clingy or critical?

My suggestion is to start practicing loving-kindness meditation on the daily.

Basically, any Loving Kindness meditation focuses on developing feelings of compassion, love, kindness and warmth towards yourself and other people.

Research shows that Loving Kindness Meditation has a HUGE amount of benefits!

• It decreases negative emotions and increases positive ones!
• It increases feelings of social connection and decreases loneliness!
• It’s effective even in small doses; research shows you can literally do just a 10-minute meditation and feel more connected and happier.
• It helps you shut off the negative voice in your head and reduce self-criticism as well as depressive symptoms.
• It increases your compassion and empathy for yourself and others.
• And it’s even been shown to decrease migraines and chronic pain!

I know it can be hard to “find the love” when you’re feeling anger, resentment, hurt, rejection and all the rest with your partner. That’s why it’s so important to make this a priority. I want you to listen to my loving kindness guided meditation. Then, listen to it every day, for one week and watch the changes happen. As you become more peaceful, compassionate and loving, your relationship will open up in new ways.

Resources and Links:

Can You Ever Trust Your Partner Again if They Cheated?

Microconnections: How to Build a Great Relationship

8 Ways to Build Your Confidence and Self-Esteem

What to Do When You’re Focused on Your Partner

Tedx Talk: The Real Reason Relationships Fail

Sharon Salzberg, Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

Barbara L. Fredrickson et al., “Open Hearts Build Lives: Positive Emotions, Induced Through Loving-Kindness Meditation, Build Consequential Personal Resources,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95, no. 5 (2008): 1045-1062.

Xianglong Zeng et al., “The Effect of Loving-Kindness Meditation On Positive Emotions: A Meta-Analytic Review,” Frontiers in Psychology 6, no. 1693 (2015).

Cendri A. Hutcherson et al., “Loving-Kindness Meditation Increases Social Connectedness,” Emotion 8, no. 5 (2008): 720-724.

Ben Shahar et al., “A Wait-List Randomized Controlled Trial of Loving-Kindness Meditation Programme for Self-Criticism,” Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy 22, no. 4 (2015): 346-356.

Inga Boellinghaus et al., “The Role of Mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation in Cultivating Self-Compassion and Other-Focused Concern in Health Care Professionals,” Mindfulness 5 (2014): 129-138.

Olga M. Klimecki et al., “Functional Neural Plasticity and Associated Changes in Positive Affect After Compassion Training,” Cereb Cortex 23, no. 7 (2013): 1552-1561.

Makenzi E. Tonneli and Amy B. Wachholtz, “Meditation-Based Treatment Yielding Immediate Relief for Meditation-Naïve Migraineurs,” Pain Management Nursing 15, no. 1 (2014): 36-40.

James W. Carson, “Loving-Kindness Meditation for Chronic Low Back Pain: Results from a Pilot Trial,” Journal of Holistic Nursing 23, no. 3 (2005): 287-304.

 Ready to find out what goes on inside that crazy mind of Abby’s? 

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