I’ve gotten a lot of letters and questions from people who are in an unhealthy relationship that they know isn’t “good for them” but they don’t know how to leave or if they ever can or even should! Maybe they’re in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic – whatever the situation, I’m sharing a whole new way to think about these types of relationships so, if you’ve been struggling, you’re in the right place!
7-minute read
Ask Dr. Abby is the advice segment of the Relationships Made Easy podcast. Submit questions to [email protected]. (I keep it anonymous!)
Here’s the message I received (identifying information and names have been changed):
Dear Abby,
I have been listening to your podcast for weeks now. I have absorbed so much that has helped me through my journey. I have a very long complicated love story that had ended in divorce, an attempt at reconciliation, and addiction. I will attempt to put it in a nutshell. Several years ago, 5 actually, I learned that my husband had been doing meth recreationally (if there is such a thing). I am very naïve about drug use and had no clue what was causing the changes in our relationship. It was a rough and rocky few years. Eventually we split all assets 50/50 and were planning to divorce but this went on for 3 years. Neither of us wanted to be divorced but his changes when he was using was more than I could handle. I gave him chance after chance. My coping skills were not stellar. I mostly just ran away when he did or said something that hurt. I hid out, ceased communication. Since then I have learned so much through counseling. My values, how to communicate better, establishing healthy boundaries, etc. I am in a much better place and have better tools to deal with our relationship, divorce, relationship.
After our divorce, I thought I had made a mistake. I still feel like I have made a mistake. My ex stalled the divorce at every avenue. Not turning in paperwork, delaying mediation, etc. because he loved me and did not want to be divorced. Since the divorce, we have tried to see each other. I am guilty of hurting him during these years as well. I know I need to let go. My ex and I had a conversation about his meth use recently and he said, “My friends can all get high, why can’t I get high?” I heard this as my cue. My cue to let go. But I can’t. We have known each other since we were 6 years old. We have been best friends and high school sweethearts. We are soulmates, each other’s person, we’re meant to be together.
I guess my question is after his comment about meth use, wanting to get high. And me not liking the person he is when he is high. Do I walk away? I have seen the personality change, the paranoia, tried to explain how he is different, but he doesn’t see it or believe it. Over the years I have learned to tell when he is high and when he is not. We had a spectacular weekend. dinner, cooking, walks, couldn’t have been better. Today though, I can tell he got high at lunch. He has attacked me with the words I listened to for 5 years. I am having an impossible time letting him go, even though I believe for myself and my values and my health it is the right thing to do. I appreciate your podcast, your wisdom, and your humor. I really don’t know if I have a question or if there is an answer.
Hoo boy! There’s a lot here! As I said earlier, I’m going to address this from a broad perspective of anyone who feels like their relationship likely isn’t good for them, but just can’t find the motivation to leave. However, there are special issues when dealing with an addict that I’ll also discuss as we go.
Here are my thoughts. If you can’t leave or if you’ve tried and keep coming back, then it sounds like you need to focus on where you are and not beat yourself up. However, some things need to change where you are.
Here’s what to focus on if you feel like you can’t leave an unhealthy relationship:
1. You can stay but you’re going to need to change your entire way of thinking if you want to be happy, calm and sane even if you’re in an unhealthy relationship.
- Stop trying to control or change them. They’re fine in their world. It’s you that’s upset (like in this case with her partner not wanting a divorce at all). You’re in the most pain, so you need to focus on your own change.
- Broaden your life so you’re not putting so much emphasis on this unhealthy relationship. Find new hobbies and activities without your partner. Find new friends. Broaden your life elsewhere.
- Stop beating yourself up for staying! I’m going to highly suggest you learn more about self-compassion and start doing my loving kindness meditation daily!
- Take what you want and leave the rest
- It’s all about acceptance. This is the way this person is – create your boundaries and stop focusing on them. In this case, if you think he’s using drugs or alcohold, don’t hang out. But don’t ask them about their use or go into it – it’ll just create a struggle and you won’t convince them of anything, so why try?
2. Be aware that whatever you don’t like about your partner will get worse over time.
This is what happens with issues in relationships – they get more entrenched. In the case of being in a relationship with an addict, know that this is a chronic and progressive disease. It’s going to get worse in some way. That might mean their personality changes more over time or their use gets worse, so they lose jobs or maybe even have legal issues.
I want to say something quickly about addiction here. It really is a disease. In 1956 the American Medical Association designated it as a disease because it fits all the criteria to call something a disease. There’s anatomical alteration, it’s progressive and has identifiable signs and symptoms.
I know some people think addiction isn’t a disease because it’s a choice to drink or use a drug. You might see it as the person choosing to use over your relationship or your kids. While I’ll agree that in the very early stages there’s some choice, what we know now is that the brain is physically changed by continued use and addiction to the point that the person can’t really decide anymore and they lose control.
And choice doesn’t determine if you call something a disease anyway. I might have smoked and ate fatty foods for years resulting in heart disease but, guess what? My choices leading up to that don’t affect whether we call it a disease or not. I might get cancer from my choice to spend years in the sun without sunscreen. Guess what? I’ve still got a disease called cancer. A disease is what happens in someone’s body or brain as a result of all those choices they made. It still now takes on a life of its own.
Learn what to do when someone you love is struggling with drugs and alcohol.
3. Continue to work on yourself.
Go to therapy if you can or listen to my wonderful podcasts and do the actions I suggest. Your goal is to be happier regardless of what this other person is doing. Once that happens, you’ll have a more clear mind when it comes to making decisions about what to do in the relationship. Remember, when you’re caught up in fear about your partner, your amygdala is in charge so your prefrontal cortex (where you can think rationally) is shut down.
4. If you stay, you can’t stay miserable or trying to get them to stop or change whatever behavior you don’t like.
It’s OK to tell them how their behavior affects you, but that’s it. Learn how to give great feedback right here!
5. Identify and keep your boundaries.
Here’s a script: if you act x way to me, I will leave the room, go sleep somewhere else, hang up the phone, etc. Do NOT focus on “if you use, I’ll do x” instead, “If you act x and z way with me or say a and b things to me or use D tone with me, I’ll (name response). This takes it out of the using/not using and them arguing with you about that and, instead, brings you to the real issue which is how they treat you!
No matter what else, you’ve got to learn to accept yourself and your present situation with self-love and compassion. Focus on yourself for a while and you’ll notice that your choices and motivation begin to change. This is the place you want to get to if you find yourself unable to leave an unhealthy relationship.
Resources
Is Self-Compassion the Secret to a Happy Relationship?
Loving Kindness Guided Meditation
What to Do When Someone You Love is Struggling with Drugs and Alcohol
8 Rules for Giving Great Feedback
How to Practice Self-Acceptance: My Top 5 Tips
The Complete Guide to Effective Communication in Any Relationship
