Nothing makes your stomach drop quite like that moment when you realize your partner isn’t telling you the truth. Whether it’s an outright lie, a carefully omitted detail, or that uneasy feeling that they’re sidestepping around something important, suspecting deception in your relationship is gut-wrenching. And when gaslighting enters the picture? That’s when you start questioning not just them, but your own reality. But here’s the good news: you’re not powerless, you’re not crazy, and there are concrete, research-backed ways to handle this situation. Today I’m talking about everything, including types of deception, why people lie, some misconceptions about deception, whether it’s possible to rebuild trust, when to walk away, and my five-step plan for how to deal with deception in your relationship.
12-minute read
The Truth About Lies: Understanding Deception in Relationships
Deception in relationships takes many forms, and recognizing these patterns is your first step toward addressing them.
Types of Deception
Outright Lies: These are straightforward falsehoods. Your partner tells you they were at work when they were somewhere else, denies doing something you know they did, or just makes up stories out of thin air.
Withholding Information: This is lying by omission. Here, your partner is deliberately leaving out important details that would influence your decisions or perceptions. Research shows that many people don’t consider this “real lying,” but the impact on relationships can be just as damaging as direct deception.
Evasiveness: When your partner consistently dodges questions, changes the subject, or gives vague answers to direct questions, they’re being evasive. It’s a subtle form of withholding that creates distance and prevents real intimacy.
Gaslighting: This is the most insidious form of deception. Gaslighting occurs when someone manipulates you into questioning your own perception, memory, or sanity. The term comes from a 1944 Alfred Hitchcock film called “Gaslight,” where a husband deliberately dims the gas lights in their home while insisting to his wife that she’s imagining it. I did an entire episode on gaslighting, so if you think this is an issue in your relationship, make sure you check that out.
And today’s free giveaway is a gaslighting assessment!
Why People Lie in Relationships
Understanding why your partner might be lying doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can help you approach the situation with more clarity and less emotion. Research points to five common motivations:
- Fear of Conflict: Many people lie to avoid arguments or confrontations. If your partner knows certain topics trigger disagreements, they might lie to keep the peace.
- Protection of Self-Image: Sometimes people lie because they’re ashamed or embarrassed. They want to maintain a certain image of themselves in your eyes.
- Avoidance of Consequences: Your partner might lie to avoid the fallout from their actions, whether that’s your disappointment, anger, or a change in the relationship.
- Control and Power: In more concerning cases, lies are used as tools of control. By manipulating information, someone can maintain power in the relationship.
- Habit from Past Relationships: If your partner learned in previous relationships or in their family of origin that honesty led to punishment or rejection, they might automatically default to deception as a self-protective mechanism.
The Impact of Deception
There are four main areas impacted when deception becomes part of any relationship dynamic:
- Erosion of Trust: Obviously, the erosion of trust is the first outcome. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship because when there’s no trust, there can’t be vulnerability. And, where there’s no vulnerability, there can’t be true emotional intimacy or closeness. When it’s repeatedly broken through deception, the entire relationship becomes unstable.
- Questioning Reality: Particularly with gaslighting, you may begin to doubt your own perceptions and memories, which can seriously impact your mental health and self-confidence.
- Emotional Distance: When you know or suspect your partner is being dishonest, you naturally pull back emotionally to protect yourself. This creates distance in the relationship.
- Relationship Anxiety: Living with uncertainty about whether your partner is being truthful creates chronic anxiety, as you’re constantly scanning for inconsistencies or red flags.
- What’s really fascinating (at least to me) is that studies have shown that deception has negative social consequences even for the person doing the lying. The research showed that people who lie tend to assume that others are lying too, and this hinders their ability to form social connections. So, the deception that your partner thinks is protecting your relationship may actually be eroding it from both sides!
Misconceptions About Lying
Before we move into action steps, let’s clear up some common misconceptions about deception in relationships:
Misconception #1: “If they loved me, they wouldn’t lie to me.”
Reality: People lie in relationships for complex reasons that often have more to do with their own fears and insecurities than their feelings for you. Even people who deeply love their partners sometimes lie.
Misconception #2: “Once a liar, always a liar.”
Reality: While habitual lying is concerning, many people can change dishonest behaviors with awareness, motivation, and sometimes professional help. The key is whether they’re willing to acknowledge the problem and work on it.
Misconception #3: “If I catch them in a lie, the relationship is over.”
Reality: While repeated, serious deception may indeed be a dealbreaker, many relationships can recover from instances of dishonesty if both partners are committed to rebuilding trust.
Misconception #4: “I should be able to tell when my partner is lying.”
Reality: Research consistently shows that most people, including professionals such as police officers and judges, are not significantly better than chance at detecting deception based on behavioral cues alone. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing.
Misconception #5: “Little white lies don’t matter.”
Reality: While small lies may seem inconsequential, they can establish patterns and slippery slopes. The cumulative effect of even minor dishonesty can seriously damage trust over time.
What To Do When You Suspect Some Kind of Deception
Now for the practical part: what steps can you take when you believe your partner is being dishonest? Here’s your five-step research-backed action plan:
Step 1: Check Your Own Emotional Temperature
Before confronting speaking with your partner, take time to process your own emotions. Research shows that conversations about sensitive topics are more productive when you’re not in a heightened emotional state. This is also known as “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
- Give yourself space to feel your feelings (anger, hurt, confusion, they’re all valid)
- Journal or talk to a trusted friend/therapist to sort through your thoughts
- Consider what you actually know versus what you suspect
- Clarify what specific behaviors are concerning you
Step 2: Plan the Conversation
The how, when, and where of confronting potential deception matters. According to research on difficult conversations:
- Choose a private, neutral space.
- Select a time when neither of you is stressed, tired, or in a hurry.
- Be clear about your intentions (you want understanding, not just to catch them in a lie). Examples: It’s my intention that we both walk away from this conversation feeling seen and heard. It’s my intention that we’re both transparent. It’s my intention that we feel closer after this conversation.
- Prepare some specific examples of the behavior that’s concerning you.
- Use “I” statements to frame your concerns (“I feel confused when…” rather than “You always lie about…”).
If this is a major issue for you, I have a Masterclass bundle filled with assessments, worksheets, and journaling prompts to help you dig deep into this issue and find healthy solutions. You can get it right now.
Step 3: Have the Conversation
When initiating the conversation, focus on creating a space where honesty feels possible. Start with compassion: “I want us to have an honest relationship where we both feel safe. Something’s been bothering me, and I’d like to talk about it.”
Present your observations without accusations: “I’ve noticed that when I ask about your evening plans, the details often change, and I’m feeling confused about that.”
Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “Are you lying?” try “Can you help me understand what’s happening here?” or “Can you tell me more about…” Listen actively: Pay attention not just to what they say but how they say it. Is there defensiveness, guilt, or genuine confusion? Keep checking in with yourself and your own gut feelings as they share. Staying mindful throughout the conversation is key.
Stay focused on the specific issue: Don’t bring up past instances of dishonesty or unrelated grievances. Research on effective confrontation suggests that people are more likely to be honest when they don’t feel cornered or attacked. By approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity rather than accusation, you create space for truth.
Step 4: Evaluate the Response
Your partner’s reaction to being confronted about potential dishonesty tells you a lot about the health of your relationship and the possibilities for moving forward. Look for:
- Acknowledgment and accountability: A partner who values honesty will take responsibility for their actions, even if it’s difficult.
- Defensiveness or deflection: If they immediately turn the tables, blame you, or refuse to engage with your concerns, that’s a red flag.
- Gaslighting responses: Be particularly cautious if they respond by questioning your perceptions or sanity.
- Partial truths: Sometimes, people will admit to a smaller lie to cover a bigger one. Trust your instincts if an explanation doesn’t fully add up.
Step 5: Make Decisions About Moving Forward
Based on the conversation and your partner’s response, you’ll need to make decisions about next steps:
If they acknowledge dishonesty:
- Discuss why the deception occurred
- Establish clear expectations about honesty moving forward
- Consider what specific changes would help rebuild trust
- Possibly seek professional help through couples’ therapy
If they deny any dishonesty but you remain unconvinced:
- Trust your instincts while remaining open to the possibility that you might be misinterpreting
- Consider whether you need more information before making decisions
- Reflect on whether this is part of a pattern or an isolated concern
- Possibly seek individual therapy to sort through your feelings and perceptions
If they engage in gaslighting or manipulative responses:
- Recognize this as a serious red flag
- Consider documenting incidents to maintain your grip on reality
- Reach out to trusted friends or family to validate your experiences
- Consider whether this relationship is healthy for you
Rebuilding Trust: Is It Possible?
If you’ve confirmed that deception has occurred in your relationship, the big question becomes: can trust be rebuilt? The answer depends on multiple factors, including the nature of the deception, your partner’s willingness to change, and your capacity to forgive.
Research on relationship recovery after trust violations suggests that rebuilding is possible when:
- Both partners are committed to the process: Rebuilding trust requires effort from both the person who broke the trust and the person who was hurt.
- The deception ends completely: Continued dishonesty, even in small ways, makes rebuilding trust nearly impossible.
- The underlying issues are addressed: Understanding and addressing why the deception occurred is crucial to preventing recurrence.
- New patterns of transparency are established: This might include greater access to information, check-ins, or other agreed-upon measures.
- Both partners practice patience: Research shows that trust rebuilds gradually, not instantly. Both partners need to be committed to the long game.
- The person who betrayed you (did they apologize? Do they have self-awareness or a new awareness now? What’s going to be different moving forward?)
- The state of your relationship before this betrayal (is there insecure attachment or trauma bonding? What relationship has been co-created, and can it change?)
- Who you are in this situation (what work have you done on your own healing? Can you forgive and move forward)?
When to Walk Away
While many relationships can recover from instances of dishonesty, some situations warrant serious consideration about whether the relationship should continue. Consider ending the relationship or at least taking a significant break if:
- The deception is chronic and shows no signs of changing
- Your partner refuses to acknowledge the dishonesty despite clear evidence
- Gaslighting is a consistent feature of the relationship
- The lies involve fundamental betrayals (like ongoing infidelity, hidden addictions, or double lives)
- Your mental health is significantly suffering
Remember, a relationship without basic trust causes chronic stress, which research shows can have serious impacts on your physical and mental health. Sometimes, walking away is the healthiest choice.
Protecting Yourself While Deciding
If you’re in the difficult space of trying to determine whether your partner is being honest and whether the relationship can be saved, here are some ways to protect your wellbeing:
- Maintain outside connections: Keep up relationships with friends and family who can provide reality checks and support. However, do not discuss your relationship or your partner’s deception with more than one or two people. This is very important. I recommend only discussing it with one trusted friend and/or a therapist.
- Document concerning incidents: If gaslighting is occurring, keeping notes can help you maintain your grip on reality.
- Consider individual therapy: A good therapist can provide objective feedback and support as you navigate this challenging territory.
- Take care of basic needs: Ensure you’re sleeping enough, eating well, and engaging in physical activity, as these basics help maintain your emotional resilience.
- Set internal boundaries: Decide what information you need to share with your partner right now and what you can keep private while you evaluate the situation.
Wrap Up
Suspecting your partner of deception is painful, but it’s a situation you can navigate with the right tools and self-respect. By understanding the dynamics of dishonesty, recognizing the signs, approaching conversations strategically, and making thoughtful decisions about next steps, you can move forward, either toward rebuilding a more honest relationship or toward freeing yourself for healthier connections in the future.
Remember that while you can’t control your partner’s choices around honesty, you absolutely can control how you respond to those choices. By maintaining your commitment to truth and healthy boundaries, you ensure that whatever the outcome of this particular relationship, you remain connected to your own integrity and worth.
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Resources for When Your Partner Is Being Evasive, Withholding Information, or Lying: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Deception
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Can You Trust Again After Betrayal? Three Key Areas to Heal Any Relationship
Signs That Someone is Gaslighting You and What to Do About it
Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?
How to Be Honest and Build Trust in a Relationship
Bartholomew, J. B., & Sanders, S. L. (2018). Managing Difficult Conversations. Kinesiology Review, 7(4), 358-362. Retrieved Jun 26, 2025, from https://doi.org/10.1123/kr.2018-0041
