You didn’t forget the milk, cause the delay, or ruin the weekend plans. But here you are, somehow the one being blamed. Again. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or parent, being on the receiving end of blame is frustrating, confusing, and downright crazy-making. It’s like they’ve outsourced their emotional homework to you and you’re the one getting detention. Today we’ll unpack why some people love to point the finger, how it warps your relationships, and what you can do about it without turning into the jerk they accuse you of being.
8-minute read
The Psychology of Blame: Why They Point the Finger
Blame isn’t just about avoiding responsibility. It’s a survival strategy, often unconscious and deeply rooted in shame.
When someone experiences a failure or emotional discomfort, their brain instinctively tries to make sense of it. For emotionally mature people, this means self-reflecting and adjusting. For chronic blamers, it means deflecting the discomfort away from themselves as quickly as possible.
Here’s what blaming provides:
- Avoidance of shame and guilt: Blame lets them off the hook emotionally. Instead of thinking “I messed up,” they think, “You made me do it.”
- Preservation of self-image: Blame keeps them from facing their flaws, which can feel intolerable if their identity is fragile.
- Sense of control: If you’re the problem, they don’t have to change. It reinforces a false sense of superiority or victimhood, depending on the flavor of blame.
Studies have found that people are more likely to blame others when their own sense of control is threatened. There’s also something called self-serving bias, which is a term coined in social psychology that shows how people tend to credit themselves for successes but blame others for failures as a way to protect their self-esteem.
Blamers aren’t necessarily manipulative or cruel. Many of them are emotionally immature or emotionally underdeveloped. They may have grown up in homes where admitting mistakes meant punishment or shame. They learned that the safest move was to always have a scapegoat handy.
Examples of blaming behavior:
- Your partner gets a parking ticket and says, “If you hadn’t distracted me, I would’ve fed the meter.”
- Your coworker misses a deadline but says, “Well, you didn’t remind me it was due.”
- Your sibling snaps at you and follows it with, “You just always know how to push my buttons.”
And, of course, I grew up with parents and other adults who said things like: “You drive me crazy” or “Look what you made me do.” In all these cases, they put responsibility outside themselves, and someone else becomes the container for their emotions, mistakes, or failures. And that “someone” is often you.
How Blame Affects You
Being on the receiving end of blame doesn’t just make you frustrated. Over time, it chips away at your self-trust and emotional stability. You might start second-guessing yourself constantly. You might replay conversations late at night, wondering how you became the villain. You might over-apologize, over-explain, or go into fixer mode just to calm the waters.
Common reactions to chronic blame:
- People-pleasing/Fawning: You try to head off the next accusation by anticipating their moods and needs.
- Hypervigilance: You walk on eggshells, always scanning for signs that something might go wrong.
- Self-abandonment: You minimize your needs or emotions to “keep the peace.”
- Gaslighting yourself: You start wondering, “Maybe it was my fault?” even when it wasn’t.
Over time, you become more focused on avoiding blame than building connection. You’re not in a partnership. You’re in reaction mode.
The VERB Framework: Spot the Pattern Before It Drags You In
This is where my VERB framework comes in. When someone is stuck in a chronic blame cycle, they’re usually showing a cluster of traits, not just blame, but a whole mindset that makes healthy communication feel impossible.
VERB stands for:
- Victim
- Entitled
- Reads Minds
- Blames
Let’s break it down:
- Victim: They see the world as always doing something to They don’t take responsibility because everything is everyone else’s fault. “I wouldn’t be in this position if you hadn’t made me feel so unsupported.”
- Entitled: They expect emotional or logistical favors without having to ask. And if you don’t deliver, you’re inconsiderate. “I shouldn’t have to tell you I needed help with this.” Or “You should respect me because I’m your mother.”
- Reads Minds: They assign motives to your behavior, usually negative, and believe you should know exactly what they’re thinking. “You knew I didn’t want to go, but you invited me anyway. That was manipulative.” Or “You should know what I want for my birthday by now.” Or “You knew that was going to upset me.”
- Blame: When anything uncomfortable happens, their first instinct is to pin it on you. “This whole thing got messed up because of how you handled it.”
The VERB mindset isn’t just difficult. It’s emotionally unsafe. It’s like trying to have a collaborative conversation with someone who’s emotionally drunk. You can’t connect with someone who isn’t grounded in reality and isn’t willing to meet you halfway. When you see any one of these VERB behaviors, stop the conversation because it’s not going to be productive anyway.
Before I jump into the five steps to responding without getting sucked in, if you’re sitting there thinking this is an area you really need to work on, I want to lovingly encourage you to either get my Boundaries Made Easy book or The Boundaries Made Easier Workbook. There’s also going to be a Therapy-to-Go Bundle so you can do deeper work on this specific topic that I’ll tell you about at the end.
The Five Steps to Respond Without Getting Sucked In
This is where you get your power back. You’re not helpless in the face of blame, but you do need to respond strategically, especially if you’re dealing with someone who isn’t self-aware or emotionally flexible.
Step 1: Name the pattern (to yourself).
Before you respond, recognize what’s happening. This isn’t just a one-off complaint. It’s a dynamic. Knowing this helps you detach from the emotional bait. You’re going to need to be mindful to see this one, so keep practicing your mindfulness daily!
Step 2: Avoid the reflex to defend.
Your nervous system might want to jump into self-protection: “I didn’t do that!” or “That’s not fair!” But that often fuels the fire and makes you look guilty or combative. Research shows that defensive responses often escalate conflict and reinforce blame dynamics. Staying calm and reflective keeps you out of the drama loop.
Instead, try: “I hear that you’re upset. I’d like to understand but blaming me isn’t helpful.”
Step 3: Use “I” statements with boundaries.
When you need to redirect or hold the line, use clear language that centers your experience without attacking.
Try: “I want to talk about this, but not if I’m being blamed for everything.” Or “I’m open to hearing your frustration, but I’m not OK with being the target.”
Step 4: Ask clarifying questions but don’t become their therapist.
Sometimes, blame is a cover for an unmet need or unspoken expectation. If the person seems open, gently steer them toward that insight. You know I love for you to ask collaborative questions such as:
- “What are you really needing from me right now?”
- “Can we talk about what you were hoping would happen?”
But don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix their feelings or convince them to change. That’s not your job.
Step 5: Know when to disengage.
If the conversation stays stuck in finger-pointing or spirals into emotional attacks, you have every right to walk away. Research in boundary-setting and emotional regulation suggests that strategic disengagement is one of the most effective ways to stop enabling harmful relational patterns.
“This conversation isn’t feeling productive right now. Let’s come back to it later.”
Examples of how this plays out:
- Your partner says, “This dinner is ruined because of your bad mood.”
You say: “I hear you’re disappointed. I’d rather talk about how we’re both feeling without assigning blame.” - Your friend says, “You made me feel stupid in front of everyone.”
You say: “That wasn’t my intention, and I’m open to hearing more about how you felt. I’d appreciate it if we can keep this about feelings and not accusations.” - Your boss says, “This mistake happened because you didn’t double-check the file.”
You say: “I’m happy to take responsibility for my part. Let’s look at how we can prevent this going forward without focusing on fault.”
My free download for today is: “Blame-Proof Boundaries: 10 Scripts to Use When Someone’s Pointing the Finger”. Click here to grab the exact language that stops blame in its tracks, without escalating the conflict.
Ask Yourself These 5 Questions When You’re Feeling Blamed
Sometimes the biggest shift starts with you. If you keep finding yourself in blaming dynamics, take a moment to check your own patterns.
- Am I taking responsibility for something that isn’t mine?
- Is this person ever willing to own their part, or do they always need a villain?
- Have I clearly communicated my boundaries and expectations?
- Do I feel like I’m constantly explaining or justifying myself?
- What’s the unconscious payoff I might be getting from staying in this dynamic?
(That last one is the deep cut. Sometimes we stay in blaming relationships because they’re familiar, or because we’ve learned that absorbing blame keeps the peace.)
Final Thoughts: You’re Not a Dumping Ground
Blame is seductive for the person doing it. It relieves guilt, boosts control, and keeps their ego intact. But for the person receiving it, it’s like being emotionally waterboarded.
You don’t need to stay in a dynamic that asks you to shrink, self-doubt, or over-function just to keep someone else comfortable. You’re allowed to expect mature, collaborative communication. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not your villain.” Because love, respect, and partnership in your relationships don’t live in blame. They live in accountability, mutual care, and emotional courage.
One Love Collective/Therapy-to-Go Bundle:
- Am I Being Blamed or Am I Being Asked for Help? A Clarity Checklist for Decoding Blame Disguises
- Blame-Resilience Journal Prompts
- Letter to Myself When I’m Not the Problem: Reclaim your center after someone tries to drag you off it.
- Name It, Frame It Boundary Worksheet
- The 5-Minute Blame-Release Reset
- The VERB Self-Test: Is This Person Emotionally Safe to Communicate With?
- A Guided Imagery for Releasing Blame That’s Not Yours
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for Why Is Everything My Fault? How to Deal with Blamers and Stop Taking the Heat
Get the Therapy-to-Go Bundle for this episode
How to Forgive Yourself: Five Tips to Let Go of Guilt, Shame and Past Regret
How to Deal with Controlling People
Your People-Pleasing Might Be a Trauma Response
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Boundaries Made Easier by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Mezulis AH, Abramson LY, Hyde JS, Hankin BL. Is there a universal positivity bias in attributions? A meta-analytic review of individual, developmental, and cultural differences in the self-serving attributional bias. Psychol Bull. 2004 Sep;130(5):711-47.
