Feeling lonely sucks! If you’re here with me now, you’ve likely experienced the pain of feeling lonely or isolated at some point in your life. Social connection is imperative for humans. It improves our mental well-being and our physical health. Studies have even shown that a lack of social connection can be more detrimental to your health than smoking or obesity! So, what do you do if you feel lonely (even when you’re surrounded by people)? Today we’re diving into the stigma of loneliness, the difference between being alone and being lonely, why most loneliness tips haven’t worked for you and my top three solutions to shift from feeling lonely to feeling more connected and at peace.
11-minute read
Introduction
A sense of belonging is a deep social need of all people. We want to be loved, understood and accepted. Loneliness is something I need you to take seriously and work on because studies have found significant associations between loneliness and poorer mental health outcomes. And it’s bad for your physical health too. In fact, it’s been found that lonely people die younger than those who feel connected!
There are Four Core Issues when it Comes to Loneliness Struggles
I. There’s a Stigma. People don’t often like to admit that they’re lonely because there’s a stigma attached. You might be ashamed to say you’re lonely for fear of people thinking that you’re somehow unlikeable or unlovable, that somehow, you’re deficient.
II. How Can You Be Lonely? We’ve all felt lonely in a room full of people. How can you feel lonely if you’re in a relationship or live with children or other family members? How can you be lonely surrounded by people? Easy. If you don’t feel accepted, heard, or understood, you can feel even lonelier surrounded by others than you would if you were alone.
III. Are You Sure That’s Loneliness? There are lots of stereotypes about what lonely people look like: no family, single, sitting at home alone in a dark room (likely with a lot of cats or empty pizza boxes around). But loneliness can show up in a variety of ways: fatigue, anxiety, depression, anger or irritability. Yes, there might be other underlying mental health issues, but loneliness might be the cause or at least a contributing factor that’s being overlooked.
IV. Tips are Focused on the Wrong Thing. Loneliness tips are often exclusively around how to make friends and be with other people but this misses the main issue at the heart of feeling lonely (especially in a room full of people). It misses the fact that loneliness starts as an inside job. To feel less lonely, you have to do internal work first, before the external work.
Loneliness vs Being Alone
Loneliness has very little to do with how many people are around you because loneliness is subjective. Yup. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder; well, so is loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling, not a fact.
Researchers define loneliness as “perceived social isolation,” the keyword here being perceived. According to researchers at Oslo University Hospital, “Feelings of loneliness depend on one’s aspiration for contact, perception of contact, and evaluation of social ties.” Researchers Maike Luhmann from Ruhr University Bochum in Germany and Louise Hawkley from the University of Chicago here in the US say that it all depends on what you think is normal. “A teenage girl may feel lonely if she has only two good friends, whereas an 80-year-old woman may feel very connected because she still has two good friends.”
So, loneliness is all about how you think and how you feel about the relationships you have, including the one you have with yourself.
When I say how you think about your relationships, I’m talking about your beliefs. A belief is just a thought you’ve had over and over again that you believe is a “fact” or normal. I’ve worked with some people who got divorced after many years of marriage and felt so alone. They still had kids, friends, colleagues, and meaningful work, but not having that primary partner destroyed their ideas of what they thought their lives would look like. Single at 60? What a loser, they thought! Not having someone to talk to every night or to be around (even though they didn’t like their spouse, hence the divorce) ended with them feeling completely alone and isolated.
How you feel in your relationships is the other factor in loneliness. Do you feel connected, understood and accepted? Do you feel heard and loved? Do you feel valued for who you are and not just what you do for others? These are the big questions.
But being alone can be amazing. It can offer a feeling of solitude, which is very different from loneliness. When I say this to clients who are reporting loneliness, they tell me, “It’s OK if you’re alone when it’s your choice. Then, I can feel solitude and even relief. But when it’s not my choice, then it feels different.”
Again, this is a faulty line of thinking. These beliefs you have are what’s creating this feeling of no choice. In other words, sometimes you need to solve a problem and other times you need to solve how you feel about a problem!
I had a client who was telling me about this “no choice = loneliness” idea. His wife had left him, and he was living in an apartment now without all the comforts of his former home.
We discussed so many ways he could connect with people. Everything from calling some old friends, to going back to church, to joining a class to learn to cook. He shot all these ideas down. His ego was preventing him from doing any of these things. “My friends don’t want me bothering them,” or “I’d feel like a real loser joining a cooking class!” I told him, “These might not always be things you’re comfortable with, but they’re available to you.”
My client was suffering from what many do: thinking that others are judging them and not wanting to appear needy. But studies show lonely people overestimate the likelihood that others don’t want to connect with them. Your lonely feelings are likely impairing your social judgment and you don’t even realize it. Don’t let your ego or internalized shame stop you from reaching out.
Being alone or in solitude can be a happy experience. You can find your center, align with yourself, and get to know who you really are. It’s a time to reflect and find what makes you happy.
And here’s the key: the best way to create deep connections with others is when you’re fully aligned with yourself. When you’re in that zone you come across as happy, grounded and centered. This is attractive to other people and will attract others to you, and not just anyone, but your true peeps.
The bottom line is that you can’t look for something outside of yourself to make you happy. Thinking that food, spending money, drugs, alcohol or other people are the answer to feeling more connected and content in your life is a problem. As I said earlier, lots of loneliness tips don’t work because they’re focused on the amount of people in your life instead of the quality of those relationships! It’s the quality, not the quantity. And, again, if you don’t start with the relationship with yourself, you’re not going to find the lasting connection you seek.
Three Ways to Deal with Your Loneliness
Tip #1: It’s Time for Inner Alignment
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Maxwell Maltz said, “If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone.” I know this can sound corny, but it’s the truth. It’s time to fall in love with yourself and shift your mindset. It’s time to take off any negative blinders you’re wearing and find ways to really like who and how you are in the world. It’s time to choose you.
The amazing Brené Brown talks about the quest for true belonging (in her aptly named book), Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In it, she says,
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.”
One of the things she talks about in her book is that courage to stand in your authentic self comes from trusting both others and yourself. She says there are seven traits that make you trustworthy:
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- Be reliable. If you make a promise, to yourself or someone else, you have to honor it.
- Own your mistakes. Yes, it sucks to admit to a mistake, but being wrong is OK as long you own up to it.
- Respect boundaries. This includes the boundaries you make as well as what others are putting out there.
- Protect secrets and what people share. Do not gossip. Ever.
- Decide with integrity. Trust your gut and follow that guidance.
- Stop judging. Be curious instead.
- Be generous. With time, money, skills, or kindness.
Try New Things to Build Your Relationship with Yourself
I want you to try new things with the idea that you want to get to know yourself better and become a stronger person. That’s it. Don’t go in with a fear-based idea of, “I want to stop feeling lonely,” because that will have you grasp for others and push them farther away. Approach everything with this idea of dating yourself and becoming stronger.
To that end, I’ve got some love to throw your way to get started:
- You could take my free Optimism Jumpstart Course.
- Take the personal strength finders quiz.
- Go online and join a meditation or yoga group.
- Get my Meditation Course and start meditating for 15 minutes in just 15 days.
- Sign up for Babel or Rosetta Stone and learn a new language.
- Start an appreciation or gratitude journal and note three things you appreciate or are grateful for in your life every day for 14 days.
- Go all in on learning self-compassion. A lack of self-compassion is associated with feelings of loneliness, so learning how to truly be self-compassionate isn’t just a cool thing to do, treat it like a prescription.
- Then go deeper and work on your self-love. According to the American Psychological Association, self-love is having regard for our own well-being and contentment. We’re talking here about treating yourself the same way you treat other people you love. The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation defines self-love as any action that supports your physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. I define self-love as connection to your Inner Being. Being connected to your Inner Being means you’re aligned with Source, the Universe, Higher Self, God, nature (or whatever you like to call it). It means you’re focused inwards, not outwards. It’s a place of peace and an inner knowing. When we’re practicing self-love, we’re gentle, kind, and patient with ourselves.
Tip #2: Focus on Generosity and Service
Service is very simple. “Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you,” said Mother Theresa. Whether it’s the person working the cash register at the grocery store or your neighbor, even one small “act of kindness” can completely change your day (and theirs). You can be of service to people, animals, or even nature (we all know I don’t do nature, but lots of you seem to like it).
Generosity and acts of service create connection, and that helps ease loneliness. When you’re feeling lonely, your world becomes very narrow. Your amygdala gets ignited, and you end up withdrawing and even treating the outside world like a hostile place. Helping a person, your dog, or the planet is a great way to change perspective and find motivation and inspiration. It helps you bond and feel appreciation and gratitude.
Ultimately, it’s also a great way to create new relationships. Bonding over a shared value or interest is a surefire way to find your peeps. If nothing else, it’ll create meaning in your day which, in turn, creates a sense of confidence, joy and relief!
Tip #3: Practice the Skills to be a Connection Ninja
Connecting with others is a skill. For some reason, everyone thinks this is something you’re just born with, but that’s not the case. You’re born with a certain temperament, and you develop a certain attachment style, but from there, it’s all about learning and developing skills.
But I’m going to make it easy for you! I’ve created a YouTube playlist called Be a Connection Boss, which you can learn from right now! This is a group of short videos to learn the different components of how to connect with other people more easily than you might think. I break down the skills; things like good communication, how to listen, and how to give feedback, which will help you deepen your connection to the people around you.
Getting great at connection will help you whether you’re feeling lonely in a room full of people or whether you feel like you don’t have anyone.
Resources for Why You Feel Lonely (Even if You Have Friends) and Three Solutions that Work
Four Ways to Be More Self-Aware
Calibration Exercise: Create a Positive Vibration to Start Your Day with Dr. Abby Medcalf
How Do You Know If You’re Making the Right Decision Following Your Gut?
The VIA Character Strengths Survey
Learn to Meditate for 15 Minutes in Just 15 Days
Focus on Self-Love Not Just Self-Compassion
Loving Kindness Guided Meditation with Dr. Abby Medcalf
Be a Connection Boss with Dr. Abby Medcalf
Research for Why You Feel Lonely (Even if You Have Friends) and Three Solutions that Work
Psycho-Cybernetics: Updated and Expanded by Maxwell Maltz
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown
