If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I doing enough?” at work, in your relationships, as a parent, or just as a person, you’re not alone. So many of my clients feel like they have to prove their value through performance, productivity, or being “good enough” for someone to love or respect them. Today we’ll explore the difference between self-worth and self-esteem, the signs that your sense of worth has become transactional, and five practical ways to break this pattern and start living from a place of grounded, unconditional self-worth. Today you’ll learn why love should never be a job interview.
10-minute read
Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem vs. Performance Identity
First things first, let’s define what we’re talking about and get clarity on what’s driving how you feel about yourself.
- Self-worth is your sense of intrinsic value. It means you believe you are worthy simply because you exist.
- Self-esteem is how you evaluate yourself, often based on performance or external validation.
- Performance identity is when your value is tied entirely to what you do, not who you are.
Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, called it unconditional positive regard, the belief that people are worthy of love and respect simply by being human, regardless of their behavior or achievement. Most people don’t grow up with unconditional regard. Instead, they grow up with something we psychologists call contingent self-worth.
Contingent Self-Worth: Where It Starts and What It Does
Contingent self-worth means you believe you are lovable or valuable only under certain conditions. That could mean being successful, being liked, being selfless, being thin, or being the one who never causes conflict. You may not consciously think that love or safety is earned, but your behavior tells the story.
The research is clear: people with high contingent self-worth are more anxious, more vulnerable to depression, more likely to feel rejected, and more reactive to failure and social feedback. They struggle with authenticity in relationships, often suppressing emotions or over-functioning to stay “deserving” of love or inclusion.
And this doesn’t just “happen.” It usually starts in childhood.
I’ve got a great giveaway for today’s episode: it’s a Self-Worth Assessment to help you figure out if you’re living transactionally.
Where It Comes From
Families that emphasize achievement, appearance, compliance, or emotional control, whether explicitly or implicitly, often raise children who tie their value to what they do rather than who they are. A few examples:
- Parents who withhold affection when a child fails or misbehaves.
- Homes where emotions are dismissed or punished (“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”)
- Environments where love or approval is conditional on success (“I’m proud of you because you got an A.”)
- Families where caregiving or responsibility is overly placed on the child (parentification).
In particular, research on parenting styles shows that authoritarian parenting (high control, low warmth) and conditional regard are strongly linked to increased contingent self-worth in kids. Even well-meaning praise can reinforce performance-based identity. A child constantly told “You’re so smart!” instead of “You worked hard on that” can grow up believing their worth hinges on being exceptional. I did an episode talking about Carol Dweck’s work with fixed and growth mindset that you should definitely check out for more on this.
I’ve come to believe that your contingent self-worth is a result of many factors, but the way I describe it to my clients is that I compare it to what happens to puppies. Did you know that puppies have “fear imprint stages” or fear weeks? Puppies go through two distinct “fear periods” during their early development. These are windows of heightened sensitivity where a negative experience can leave a lasting emotional imprint, kind of like wet cement that hardens with whatever gets stuck in it.
Fear period one is around 8–11 weeks. This coincides with when puppies are often first separated from their litter and sent to their new homes. They’re adjusting to new people, smells, and sounds, and anything scary during this time (a loud bang, a rough interaction, a vet visit gone wrong) can become hardwired as a fear response.
The second fear period is around 6-14 months and overlaps with adolescence, when the puppy looks “grown” but is still neurologically immature. They may suddenly become fearful of things they previously tolerated (strangers, hats, garbage cans). The amygdala is running the show, and they’re building long-term emotional templates based on how safe (or unsafe) the world feels.
Fear periods in puppies shape their social confidence and emotional regulation, just like early experiences in humans shape our contingent self-worth. Puppies in fear periods need consistent, safe, attuned caregivers to reassure them. Otherwise, they learn: the world is dangerous, and I have to fend for myself. Humans in childhood need the same. When a child is in emotional distress (sad, scared, ashamed) and their caregivers ignore, punish, or withdraw love, the child learns: my emotions are a threat to connection, and I must perform to be accepted.
Fear periods are biological vulnerability windows. For puppies and for people, what happens during those windows becomes internalized as a blueprint for safety, love, and belonging. In humans, we don’t call them “fear weeks,” we call them attachment patterns, emotional neglect, or childhood conditioning. But it’s the same wiring underneath.
When you’re young and afraid and someone shames you, withdraws, or only responds when you’re performing or being “good”, you start to internalize that safety, love, and approval must be earned. And the nervous system doesn’t forget that without doing some serious rewiring, which we’ll talk about later.
Cultural and Gender Influences on Worth
It’s not just your family. The broader culture plays a significant role too. In Western, individualistic societies, self-worth is often tied to independence, achievement, and personal success. In collectivist cultures, self-worth might hinge more on family reputation, obedience, or how well you fulfill your role in the group. But in both cases, the message can still be: your value depends on how well you play your part.
In one study I read, they were comparing American and Japanese students. American participants were more likely to base self-worth on personal achievement, while Japanese students tied it to social harmony and avoiding shame. The flavor of contingent self-worth differs, but the impact is similar: anxiety, perfectionism, and self-silencing.
And the research shows that gender adds yet another layer. Women are disproportionately taught to equate their worth with caregiving, emotional labor, and likability. Men are conditioned to link their value to competence, stoicism, and success. The result? Different rules, same trap.
Women are especially vulnerable to performance-based worth. Socialization teaches girls to be relational, agreeable, and responsible for others’ feelings. Boys are often taught to be competent, powerful, and emotionally independent. Neither group escapes the “prove your worth” mindset, but it shows up differently. In general, the research shows that females were more likely than males to base self-worth on relationships and approval from others, while males were more likely to tie self-worth to competence and success.
There’s also the invisible labor of being “nice,” “available,” and “helpful,” especially for women. Research on self-silencing, a behavior pattern where individuals suppress their thoughts and needs to maintain relationships, shows that this pattern is strongly linked to depression in women.
So when a woman asks, “Am I doing enough?” it’s often code for “Have I earned the right to take up space, to rest, to say no, to just be?”
What Transactional Worth Looks Like in Real Life
You might think these are just “normal” ways to live, but they’re often signs you’ve internalized a belief that love, rest, or dignity needs to be earned.
Common Signs of Transactional Thinking
- Feeling like you have to explain or justify your needs: You finally ask for a weekend to yourself, but follow it up with, “I’ve just been so busy lately, and I don’t want you to think I’m mad or selfish.”
- Keeping a mental tally of what you’ve done for others: You notice you’ve been helping your friend move, watching their kids, and always texting first, and now you’re silently waiting for them to “even the score.”
- Feeling guilty for resting or doing something “just for you”: You take a nap or read a book and immediately think, “I should be doing something more productive.”
- Apologizing for things that don’t require an apology: You say “Sorry!” when someone bumps into you, or you feel bad saying no to a dinner invite even when you’re exhausted.
- Believing you need to be productive to deserve rest: You don’t let yourself relax until every dish is washed, every email answered, and the to-do list is clear (which, let’s be honest, is never).
- Avoiding asking for help because you should be able to handle it: You struggle silently with something at work or home, but feel like asking for support would mean you’re failing, not trying hard enough, or needy.
- Feeling anxious when you’re not being praised or validated: You send a thoughtful message or do something kind, and then feel uneasy if there’s no enthusiastic reaction or thank you.
These aren’t quirks. They’re symptoms of living as if your value has to be continually proven.
Five Practices to Break Free from Transactional Worth
Here’s how to shift from proving to them, to trusting. You’re going to move from earning to owning your worth.
1. Practice Receiving Without Repaying
Most people are deeply uncomfortable receiving anything without feeling like they have to give something back. Try this:
- When someone gives you a compliment, say “Thank you” and don’t downplay it.
- When a friend picks up the check, don’t rush to say, “I’ll get the next one.” Let yourself sit with the discomfort of simply receiving.
- Let your partner handle a task or bring you coffee without insisting, “I owe you one.”
- Get rid of the list in your head that says whose “turn” it is to do something in your home or at work.
This practice rewires your nervous system to tolerate “unearned” kindness, a necessary step toward internalizing unconditional worth.
2. Give Yourself “Unearned” Rest
You don’t need to collapse in exhaustion to justify a break. Rest isn’t a luxury. It’s a biological need.
Try scheduling rest first in your calendar, not last. Block off time for:
- A 20-minute walk without your phone
- An hour to read something unrelated to work
- A nap just because you’re tired
Even five minutes of sitting without a task attached can disrupt the pattern of equating worth with output. If guilt shows up, name it: “This is the part of me that believes I have to earn peace.”
3. Catch and Interrupt the Internal Bargains
Notice when you find yourself thinking:
- “If I do X, then I’ll deserve Y.”
- “If I’m helpful enough, they’ll like me.”
- “If I push through, then I’ll rest later.”
Stop. Ask:
- “What am I trying to earn right now?”
- “What would I choose if I already believed I was enough?”
You could even keep a “bargain journal” for a week and jot down every time this transactional voice pops up. Seeing the pattern in writing is powerful.
4. Write (and Reread) a Worth Letter
Write a letter from the part of you that knows you’re already worthy. It might say:
“I know you’ve spent a long time proving yourself, but you were never broken. You don’t have to hustle for love anymore. You are already enough, even on your worst day.”
Post it where you’ll see it. Read it when your self-worth wobbles.
Or flip it: Write the letter you needed to hear as a kid. What would a parent who loved you unconditionally say?
5. Stop Keeping Score in Relationships
Transactional love says, “I did this, so now you owe me.” But real connection is rooted in presence, not accounting.
- When you give, ask: “Would I still want to do this if they never returned the favor?”
- Stop doing things “just to be nice” if you’re going to build resentment later.
- If you feel used, don’t tally points, set a boundary.
Give from a place of clarity, not obligation. Let generosity be a choice, not a test.
Watch my TEDx to find out the REAL Reason Relationships Fail
Wrap-Up
Your worth was never up for debate. Your worth isn’t based on what you produce, how much you give, or who approves of you. It doesn’t spike when you overdeliver, and it doesn’t disappear when you rest. You were born worthy. You don’t have to prove it. You only have to believe it and then practice that belief in how you treat yourself every single day.
For the One Love Collective Community
Tier I:
- Boundary Practice Scenarios: “No Without Negotiation”
- Couple/Family Dynamics Reflection: Earning Love at Home Exercise
- Reparenting Journal Exercise: What My Younger Self Needed to Hear
- Workplace Worth Reflection
Tier II:
- You Don’t Have to Earn This: 25 Reminders to Anchor Your Worth
- Deep Reflection Worksheet: Where Did I Learn to Earn
- Guided Visualization
Tier III:
- Core Belief Reframe Tool
- Self-Compassion Script Exercise
- Two-Week Daily Practice Tracker
Get all the resources above for only $8! Download the complete workbook now.
Resources for You Don’t Have to Earn It: Breaking Free from Transactional Self-Worth
Join Abby’s One Love Collective on Patreon
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Having a Growth Mindset Is the Key to An Empowered Mindset
Kitayama, S., Markus, H. R., Matsumoto, H., & Norasakkunkit, V. (1997). Individual and collective processes in the construction of the self: Self-enhancement in the United States and self-criticism in Japan. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(6), 1245–1267. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.6.1245
