Having a jealous partner sucks. And I don’t just mean a partner who thinks you’re cheating. I’m also talking about a partner who isn’t supportive of your wins or who tries to diminish your accomplishments. Get ready for a two-part series on jealousy. This week I’m going to give you my 5-step process for what to do if your partner is jealous so you can move from fear and resentment to connection and hope. Next week I’m going to be focusing on you. Are you jealous in your relationship? Do you not celebrate your partner’s wins or are you often jealous of their relationship with other people? Then you’re going to want to tune in next week too!
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Why are People Jealous?
- Low self-esteem is at the top of the heap when it comes to characteristics of jealous people. Jealousy is about insecurity and thinking they’re inadequate and just not good enough for their partner. So, they don’t like it when their partner is successful because they think you’re going to leave them now that you’re doing better or they’re jealous of other people because they think you’ll leave them for someone better.
- Scarcity mindset. People get possessive because they think there isn’t enough to go around. I speak a lot about this underlying competition for resources in relationships. “You’re going out with your friends? Great. I guess I’ll just be stuck at home taking care of the kids!” “You got a promotion? Super. Now you’ll be away from home even more!”
- Emotional instability. Jealous people often show signs of emotional instability such as anxiety, hypervigilance, and moodiness. This can often stem from an underlying undiagnosed mental health disorder.
- Anxious attachment style. People with an anxious attachment style or who have dependency issues can often be jealous
- You’re trying to make them jealous. Is there anything you’re doing to try to make them jealous? Are you secretly hoping that they get jealous so you can feel wanted and secure? This is a bad way to go! If you’re trying to make your partner jealous, then you’re insecure and you need to look at this. What’s going on that you don’t trust them to love you? Where is your own self-esteem that you need this kind of validation? This is a fear-based way of operating in your relationship. I’ll say it again and again, you can’t have a love relationship based on fear.
What Constitutes Cheating?
The answer to that question changes depending on whether you’re talking about men or women. In a more recent study in 2014 (that involved almost 65,000 people including straight, gay and bisexual), they found that men focused on actual sexual infidelity while women were more upset about their men having emotional affairs.
What not to do if your partner is jealous:
- Get defensive
- Tell them they shouldn’t feel that way
- Tell them that they should trust you
- Tell them it’s their problem
- Give them all the proof of you being trustworthy
- Diminish or minimize your successes
Here’s my 5 step process for dealing with a jealous partner:
Step 1: Get Yourself Centered in the Love
Step 2: Be Curious
Step 3: What Else are They Feeling?
Step 4: Don’t Focus on Content, Focus on Feelings
Step 5: Focus on What You Do Want, Not What You Don’t
Get my Relationship Goal Setting Workbook!
In the workbook you’ll learn:
- The six steps to making relationship goals that work
- An easy, guided plan to put your relationship goals into action.
- The mistakes most couples make when they’re setting relationship goals and why you’ve been stuck in the past
- How to track your goals for continued success
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I really want you to do this and move your relationship forward.
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Resources and Links
Keeping Score in Your Relationship Makes You Lose
How Attached Are You in Your Relationship?
The Dos and Don’t s if Your Partner Cheated
Bad Questions Are Ruining Your Relationship