3 STEPS TO LOVING DETACHMENT

loving detachment

Want to read the more in-depth version? Click here to read the blog!

If you often feel worried about a loved one, disappointed or upset by their choices, or like your emotions revolve around whether they’re “doing well” or not, then detaching with love (or loving detachment) is the key to feeling grounded, guilt-free and at peace.

What’s Loving Detachment?

Let’s start with what loving detachment actually is and isn’t. Loving detachment is NOT tough love. Loving detachment is less harsh and more flexible; it’s not so black and white.

3 Steps to Understanding Loving Detachment and Learning How to Do It Consistently

Step 1: Understand Your Motives

Loving detachment comes from love-based emotions like compassion, openness and kindness. When you’re not lovingly detached, it’s coming from a fear-based emotion such as anxiety, guilt and helplessness.

My tip for this is simple: Get mindful and check in with your feelings often! Start with how you’re feeling when you have these interactions. Are you impatient, controlling, anxious or guilt-ridden? It’s that simple to notice if you’re having a fear-based emotion. If you are, consciously move to a love-based one. You can do this by practicing the next-best-feeling thought. Try to make mindfulness a consistent habit.

Step 2: Don’t Just Love, Accept

Accepting what our loved ones do can be very hard. This is about getting past what you think is “fair or right.” I always come back to my old, do you want to be correct or effective? Effective in this situation is that I’m at peace not that I control all those around me. I can have peace no matter what others are doing!

There’s a great exercise I love from renowned “loving detachment” expert, Martha Beck.

  • Step 1. Think of someone you love who you feel is causing you to worry, feel anxious, angry or sad.
  • Step 2. Identify what this person should do to make you happy, but using this sentence: “If _________ would only __________, then I could feel ____________.”
  • Step 3. Now delete the first part of the sentence, so it reads: “I could feel _____________.” Realize that this is the only honest truth in the sentence and know that you have the power to feel that way no matter what anyone else says or does.

My tip for this step is to practice a loving kindness meditation often.

Step 3: Learn What Having Loving Boundaries Really Means

I often talk about boundaries as being on a continuum with thin, enmeshed boundaries on one side and thick, emotionally distant boundaries on the other. Loving detachment is all about knowing where you are on the continuum between the two.

My Tip for this step: Work on your calibration.

RESOURCES:

Mindfulness: 2 Hacks for Remembering to Be Mindful

Martha Beck, The Gift of Joyful Detachment

Loving Kindness Meditation

The Secret to Positive Thinking in All Your Relationships (Calibration)

You Love, But Do You Accept?

 

Remembering to be mindful is one of the keys to stopping codependent behavior and implementing all these great tools. Enter your name and email below to grab my FREE Mindfulness Starter Kit!

 Ready to find out what goes on inside that crazy mind of Abby’s? 

Subscribe & Review in iTunes
Are you subscribed to my podcast yet? Well, what are you waiting for? You know you want to make your relationship awesome and getting a weekly reminder on specific ways to do just that is a perfect way to get there! Click here to subscribe in iTunes
 
If you’re up for giving me some extra love, I’d be so very grateful if you’d leave me a review over on iTunes too (make iTunes a link). Reviews help other people find my podcast and they’re also fun for me to go in and read. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much!
Dr. Abby with her Book "Be Happily Married, Even If Your Partner Won't Do A Thing"

GRAB MY BOOK!

Create a happy, connected relationship, even if your partner won’t do a thing! Get my Amazon #1 best-selling book: Be Happily Married Even if Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing.

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf Podcast

GET MY FREE COMMUNICATION TOOL KIT!

Build a connected, loving relationship with the FREE Communication Tool Kit for Couples.

READ MY ARTICLES FOR MY TOP RELATIONSHIP TIPS AND TOOLS!

Most Popular Episodes

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

GOT FAMILY STRESS? HOW TO NOT GET TRIGGERED BY FAMILY

Are you dealing with family stress? Lashing out at your mom for that condescending thing she said? Feeling guilty that you’re avoiding your dad because he drives you crazy? Today you’re going to learn my top three tips to not get triggered by family so you can find...

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

What do you do when an extended family member is creating a toxic atmosphere at family gatherings? How do you draw boundaries and feel seen and heard when dealing with toxic family relationships? I'm going deep on this question in today's episode! Ask Dr. Abby is the...

Dr. Abby Medcalf's weekly newsletter

Get your weekly dose of inspiration to keep you on track!

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you motivated to stay on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

Get your weekly love letter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Get your weekly newsletter with all things Abby and life

Subscribe today to get my weekly thoughts, best practices and funny stories (you won’t believe my life!). This weekly reminder will keep you on the path to creating connected, happy relationships (especially the one with yourself)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!