If you’re in a relationship where one or both partners are on the autism spectrum, you’ve probably noticed that the usual relationship advice doesn’t quite work for you. You might have read articles, watched videos, or even talked to a therapist, but instead of feeling helpful, that advice often leaves you feeling more frustrated, disconnected, or misunderstood. Here’s why: you’re not just speaking different love languages; you’re coming from different neurological cultures. This isn’t about broken communication. It’s about translation. When you shift your mindset to view your relationship like a cross-cultural partnership, where both people bring strengths, challenges, and a completely valid worldview, you stop trying to fit into someone else’s mold and start building a relationship that actually works for you. Today we’ll explore what it really takes to make a neurodiverse relationship thrive, starting with letting go of neurotypical expectations and embracing a mindset of curiosity, patience, and collaboration.
11-minute read
Introduction
Neurodiverse relationships aren’t dysfunctional; they’re different, and they need a different relational skill set. The tools and advice that work in neurotypical partnerships often fall flat here, not because something’s wrong, but because you’re not operating in the same framework. This isn’t about fixing anyone. It’s about learning how to truly see and support each other across neurological cultures.
Think of it like this: when two people from different countries fall in love, say, one from the US and one from Japan, there’s an understanding that each person comes with their own traditions, languages, values, and ways of expressing connection. They don’t expect each other to automatically “just know” the right response. Instead, there’s more patience, more curiosity, more grace. That same cross-cultural mindset is what’s needed in your neurodiverse relationship.
You and your partner may process emotions differently. You may show love in different ways. You may even speak what feels like two different emotional languages. But those differences don’t mean your relationship is doomed. They mean you’re building something uniquely your own, a relationship that honors both people’s wiring, needs, and strengths.
I also have an awesome free worksheet you can download that you and your partner can use to make real changes to help your relationship. I’ll let you know more about it when I get to my action steps. If you’re not sure if you or someone you love has ASD, you should see a qualified health provider for a diagnosis. There’s also a test available online that can help point you in the right direction.
A Quick Look at Autism in Relationships
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how people process social interactions, communication, and sensory experiences. It’s called a “spectrum” for a reason; everyone with autism is different, with their own unique challenges and strengths.
And here’s the thing: Despite what you may think, the research shows that autistic people absolutely want and experience love, just like anyone else. But sometimes, the ways they show love or process emotions don’t always match what their neurotypical partner expects. That’s where most of the frustration comes in, not because love isn’t there, but because there’s a mismatch in communication styles and expectations.
If you’re neurotypical and have ever thought…
- “I feel like I’m talking to a wall sometimes.”
- “They just don’t seem to ‘get’ what I need in this relationship.”
- “Why does everything have to be so rigid with them?”
Or if you’re the autistic partner and have thought…
- “I don’t understand why they’re upset. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
- “I feel like I’m always messing up and don’t even know why.”
- “I love them, but I don’t express it the way they want me to, and I don’t know how.”
Then keep reading. Because you’re not alone, and there are ways to bridge this gap.
What’s Tough About Love When Autism Is Involved
If you’re in love with someone on the spectrum:
- They communicate differently than you do. Neurotypical people rely a lot on hints, body language, and unspoken expectations in relationships. Autistic partners, on the other hand, tend to communicate literally.
- What to do: Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don’t expect them to “just know” what you’re feeling. Yes, even if this exact same situation has happened before.
- You might feel like emotional connection is missing. Autistic people experience deep emotions, but they don’t always express them in conventional ways. Just because your partner doesn’t say “I love you” a hundred times a day doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.
- What to do: Pay attention to their ways of showing love. Maybe they express love by fixing your car, remembering your favorite snack, or sharing their special interests with you.
- Rigid routines and preferences can feel frustrating. Many autistic individuals love structure and struggle with last-minute changes. You might love spontaneity, but if your partner has a hard time with unpredictability, it’s not personal; it’s just how their brain works.
- What to do: Plan ahead. Give them notice if plans might change, and compromise where possible.
- Sensory sensitivities can make intimacy tricky. Some autistic individuals have heightened sensory experiences, making things like touch, certain sounds, or crowded spaces overwhelming.
- What to do: Ask what feels good for them. Maybe they love deep-pressure hugs but hate light touches. Maybe they’re okay with sex, but only under certain conditions. Work with them, not against them.
If You’re the One With ASD
- You might struggle with social cues and relationship expectations. Understanding the “unspoken rules” of relationships can be hard.
- What to do: Ask! If you’re not sure what your partner needs, just say, “Hey, I really want to make you happy, but I don’t always pick up on things. Can you tell me what you need?”
- You might feel like you’re constantly messing up. Neurotypical people often expect certain emotional responses that might not come naturally to you.
- What to do: Be honest about how you express love, and work on small adjustments to meet in the middle.
- You might struggle with change in the relationship. Routines are comforting, but relationships require flexibility.
- What to do: If change is hard for you, ask for time to adjust rather than shutting down completely.
How to Make It Work Together
How do you make it work together? It’s this mindset shift of seeing your neurodiverse relationships as cross-cultural. When one or both partners are on the autism spectrum, you’re not just navigating different communication styles; you’re navigating different neurological cultures. This isn’t about one person being “difficult” or the other needing to “do better.” It’s about two people coming from different worlds, with different norms, expectations, and interpretations of what connection, love, and communication even look like. One way isn’t “right” and the other “wrong.”
Like I said earlier, if one of you was from the United States and the other from Japan, you wouldn’t assume the other person would see things exactly the way you do. You wouldn’t get angry when your partner didn’t bow, or make direct eye contact, or understand your idioms. You wouldn’t assume that they were being cold or distant. You’d approach the situation with curiosity, patience, and a willingness to learn their cultural lens. That’s the same mindset you need here. This isn’t about broken communication. It’s about cultural translation. You want to work at becoming more fluent to your partner’s primary language.
The Five Mindset Shifts You Want to Make
Thanks to movies, social media, family, past relationships, or what the world tells us is “normal” we all walk into relationships with a suitcase full of assumptions. But in a neurodiverse relationship, clinging to these assumptions only creates pain. So, it’s time to make some shifts.
1. Replace Expectations with Curiosity
Your old mindset might be something like:
- “They should know how to comfort me when I’m upset.”
- “I shouldn’t have to ask for reassurance.”
- “If they loved me, they’d do X.”
- “I’m so tired of this never changing!”
I’d love your new mindset to be something like:
- “What helps you feel close to me?”
- “When I’m upset, what would be the most helpful way for me to ask for comfort?”
- “What does love look like from your perspective?”
- “I completely accept my partner for who they are. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to improve some ways we interact (how they are), but I’m not trying to change who they are.”
Action Steps:
- Sit down and brainstorm your unspoken expectations. What are you assuming your partner “should just know”? Write them down. Then ask yourself: have I ever communicated this clearly?
- Use conversation starters like:
- “When you’re upset, what kind of support do you want?”
- “How do you usually show someone you care about them?”
This is a good time to mention that, as usual, I’m offering a Masterclass of worksheets, journaling prompts, etc., in my online group, The One Love Collective on Patreon. Just a few examples of what they’ll be getting include:
- Reframing My Relationship Through a Cross-Cultural Lens Worksheet
- The Neurodiverse Relationship Mindset Checklist: Daily Ways to Stay Curious Instead of Critical
- Weekly Reset: Strengthening Our Relationship as Two Different Cultures
If you’d like to join us, there are a ton of other perks in being a member, such as ad-free listening, early drops of the podcast and Live Q&As with me where you can ask me anything. However, if that feels like too much of a commitment, you can also download the entire Masterclass bundle for this episode for $8. I’ll list all the goodies at the end so you can decide what you’d like to do.
2. Stop Judging Differences as Deficits
Your old mindset might be something like:
- “They never want to cuddle, so they must not love me.”
- “They shut down when I try to talk about emotions. That’s not healthy.”
- “They’re too rigid and controlling.”
I’d love your new mindset to be something like:
- “They show love differently than I do.”
- “They may need more time or a different approach to talk about feelings.”
- “They find comfort in routine; it helps them feel safe.”
- “They find comfort in spontaneity; it helps them feel connected.”
Action Steps:
- When you catch yourself labeling something as weird or wrong, pause and reframe it as “different, not deficient.” Again, this goes both ways!
- Write down three behaviors your partner does that confuse or frustrate you. Next to each one, write a possible reason why it might actually be protective, comforting, or functional for them.
- Remember: don’t view the neurodiverse partner as having something that needs to be fixed while the neurotypical partner’s way of being is the goal. Both viewpoints are valid (you wouldn’t tell a Japanese person living in the US that they had to give up their culture because the dominant culture in the US is different).
3. Learn Each Other’s Emotional Languages
Think of it like being bilingual, only instead of English and Spanish, you’re learning how to express and receive affection in different neurological dialects.
For example:
- One partner might say, “I love you,” by fixing the kitchen sink or remembering your favorite snack.
- The other might want daily check-ins and verbal affirmation.
Action Steps:
- You can download two copies of the free “How I Show Love” worksheet I’m offering today. Each of you can fill it out individually, and then you can share your answers.
- After this conversation, each of you can make a list of two areas:
- “Here’s how I naturally express love.”
- “Here’s how I most like to receive it.”
- Then compare and brainstorm two ways you can meet each other given what you’ve written.
You can download the free How I Show Love Worksheet by going to the website and looking for this episode on the Relationship Tips and Tools Page or on the Podcast Page. You can also find the link under the video if you’re watching me on YouTube.
4. Normalize Translation
When you’re speaking different emotional languages, misunderstandings are part of the deal. The goal isn’t to eliminate them; it’s to notice them faster and translate.
Action Steps:
- If you’d like to join us, there are a ton of other perks in being a member so you can get better at noticing when these misunderstandings are happening in the moment.
- Create a shared phrase like: “Hey, I think we’re speaking different languages right now” to call loving attention to a miscommunication or frustration.
- When you hit a rough patch, ask each other:
- “What did you mean when you said/did that?”
- “Here’s what I thought you meant. Can we clarify?”
Over time, these check-ins become a normal, loving part of your rhythm, not signs that the relationship is broken.
5. Celebrate the Strengths of Each Culture
Let’s not forget neurodiverse couples have some serious superpowers. You might be more intentional. More direct. More reflective. Less performative. More willing to build a relationship that works for you, not just one that follows someone else’s script.
Action Steps:
- Take time to name and celebrate what works. Make a list together:
- “Here’s what I admire about your approach to love.”
- “Here’s what we do well as a couple that’s different from others, and I love it.”
Even if things are hard, this helps you stay connected to what’s working, not just what’s challenging.
Final Thoughts
Neurodiverse relationships require a radical shift in expectations, not because they’re broken or doomed, but because they operate by different cultural rules. When you approach each other like two loving people navigating a cross-cultural connection, you make space for grace. For learning. For translating. For loving in ways that might not look typical but are still deeply meaningful. This isn’t a relationship that fits inside a Hallmark movie. It’s not “standard issue” love. But it can be something even better – custom-built, real, and resilient.
For the One Love Collective Community:
Tier I:
- Journaling Prompts for Autistic Partners
- Journaling Prompts for Neurotypical Partners (Loving Someone with ASD)
- 20 Conversation Starters for Understanding and Connecting in a Neurodiverse Relationships
Tier II:
- Reframing My Relationship Through a Cross-Cultural Lens Worksheet
- The Neurodiverse Relationship Mindset Checklist: Daily Ways to Stay Curious Instead of Critical
- Weekly Reset: Strengthening Our Relationship as Two Different Cultures
- Neurodiverse Date Night Planner
Tier III:
- Guided Reflection Worksheet: Understanding and Strengthening Your Neurodiverse Relationship
- Relationship Communication Cheat Sheet: Understanding Neurodiverse Differences and Bridging the Gaps
- Sensory Compatibility Checklist for Couples
Resources for A New Mindset for Navigating Neurodiverse Relationships
Join Abby’s One Love Collective on Patreon!
Buy the bundle for this episode for only $8!
Lord, C., Brugha, T. S., Charman, T., Cusack, J., Dumas, G., Frazier, T., Jones, E. J., Jones, R. M., Pickles, A., State, M. W., & Taylor, J. L. (2020). Autism spectrum disorder. Nature Reviews Disease Primers, 6(1), 1-23. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41572-0
