Ever found yourself snapping at your partner because they left the toilet seat up (again), only to realize later that your reaction was a tad… over the top? Or maybe you’ve just quit your job because you were so mad that Bob from accounting didn’t get you that spreadsheet on time? Congratulations, you’ve met your emotional triggers. These are the knee-jerk reactions that can turn minor annoyances into full-blown soap operas. But fear not! By understanding what’s going on in your brain, you can learn to keep your cool and maybe even laugh about it later. Today, you’ll learn what emotional triggers are, the science behind them, and my top five ways to soothe those emotional triggers so you can feel in control of your life.
9-minute read
There’s an amazing download I’m offering today that will really help you keep your reactions (feelings and actions) in check so you don’t react to your triggers. And, if you’re part of my One Love Collective Online Patreon community, you’re getting a ton of other extras this week that include:
- An Emotional Regulation Cheat Sheet: Quick Strategies to Soothe Your Triggers in the moment they’re happening.
- Two sets of Journaling Prompts. One will help you Identify and Deal with Triggers and the other will help you Dig Deeper into Emotions Related to Triggers.
- Two Worksheets. One will help you move from old patterns to new ones. The other is an Emotional Triggers Worksheet where you’ll learn to Identify, Understand, and Soothe Your Reactions.
What Are Emotional Triggers?
Think of emotional triggers as your unconscious brain’s way of saying, “I’ve seen this movie before, and I didn’t like the ending.” They’re automatic responses to certain situations, words, or behaviors that dredge up past experiences, often unpleasant ones.
Some common emotional triggers include:
- Feeling Ignored or Dismissed: When someone talks over you, and you suddenly feel like that kid in school who never got picked for dodgeball. Or you tell your partner how you’re feeling only to be told, “Everything’s fine, don’t worry so much.”
- Being Criticized: Your boss gives you “constructive feedback,” and you react as if they just insulted your grandmother’s cooking.
- Feeling Controlled: Your partner suggests a different route to the grocery store, and you feel like you’re in a dictatorship.
- Fear of Abandonment: A friend cancels plans, and you feel rejected and unworthy, even though they just had to work late.
- Not Being Valued: Your efforts at work go unnoticed, and suddenly, you’re spiraling into thoughts that you’re invisible and unimportant.
- Feeling Unsafe: Someone raises their voice, and your body tenses, preparing for an attack, even if it’s just a passionate debate.
- Being Judged: Your mom raises an eyebrow at your parenting choice, and you feel defensive, like you’re failing.
- Loss of Autonomy: Your dad or big brother keeps telling you how to live your life, making you feel like a rebellious teenager all over again.
- Betrayal: A close friend shares something you told them in confidence, and you feel the sting of past betrayals rushing back.
- Injustice: Seeing someone break the rules without consequence makes your blood boil, as if every unfair moment from your past is happening again.
Identifying your emotional triggers is actually easy. Think of any time you “over” or “under” reacted. Think of any situations where you facepalmed later over a reaction or where you consistently get negative feedback about your reactions. Once you’ve identified those times, you need to dig below to the “why,” and it’s likely related to one of the examples above.
I’ve done entire episodes on How to Effectively Deal with Triggers in Your Relationships and Got Family Stress? How to Not Get Trigged by Family and Dealing with Triggers, which you might find helpful to dig deeper on this issue.
The Science Behind Triggers
Now, let’s get nerdy because you know I love to get my science on! I’m confident that if you learn about the “real” reason you’re having trouble, you’ll be gentler with yourself, thereby having more effective outcomes when you try the tools. You’ll go from, “I’m a broken unicorn,” to “I’m just like everyone else who’s been through some kind of dysfunctional family or trauma. My brain is wired this way, and it’s just my job to rewire it.”
Your brain is a complex organ, but when it comes to emotional triggers, a few key players take center stage:
- Amygdala: This almond-shaped cluster is your brain’s alarm system. It detects threats and kicks off the fight-or-flight response faster than you can say “not again.”
- Prefrontal Cortex: This is the rational part of your brain, the one that says, “Maybe yelling isn’t the best idea.” It helps regulate your emotional responses, but it doesn’t always win the argument, especially when the amygdala is in full swing.
- Hippocampus: The memory center of the brain. It’s the one whispering, “Hey, remember when this happened before?” and reinforcing emotional associations.
- Neurotransmitters: Chemicals like serotonin and dopamine play a big role in how we feel and react. When they’re out of balance, our emotional responses can go haywire.
Here’s how it all connects: When you experience something that reminds your brain of a past threat, the amygdala jumps into action, sending a distress signal to the rest of your body. Your hypothalamus (another part of your Limbic System or so-called “Lizard Brain” releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing you to fight or flee. Meanwhile, the hippocampus retrieves any relevant memories associated with the experience, reinforcing the emotional response.
Your prefrontal cortex, that logical, rational, decision-making center, tries to step in and make sense of the situation, but by the time it does, your amygdala has likely already thrown the emotional equivalent of a tantrum.
The subconscious plays a huge role in all of this, too. Our past experiences, especially from childhood, create deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves and the world. If you were often ignored as a child, your subconscious may have developed a belief that “I’m not important.” So, when a coworker interrupts you in a meeting, your subconscious floods you with emotions that confirm that belief, even though the situation isn’t actually about your worth at all and even though you’re not actively remembering how you felt as a kid.
Watch my short RAS video!
How to Soothe Emotional Triggers
Once you’ve identified your triggers, it’s time to tame them. Here are five great strategies.
1. Pause and Breathe
When you feel triggered, take a moment to breathe deeply. This can help calm your nervous system and give your prefrontal cortex a chance to weigh in. The research shows that taking a deep breath in, with as long and slow of an exhale as possible, will signal your vagus nerve and turn on your calming, parasympathetic nervous system.
For example, let’s say you’re about to snap at your partner for a sarcastic comment. Instead, you inhale deeply for four seconds, hold for four, and exhale for four. That moment of pause keeps you from saying something you’ll regret.
2. Challenge Your Thoughts
Ask yourself if your reaction is based on the present situation or past experiences. Is there another way to interpret what’s happening? If you’re using always or never language, there’s an issue. If you’re getting very upset over a small action on someone else’s part, it’s a problem. If you step back, does the “crime” match the punishment you’re giving?
Instead of reacting immediately, think, “What else could be true here?” So, if your friend doesn’t text you back for hours, instead of assuming they’re mad at you, you consider that they might just be busy. To help you with this, I have a fantastic exercise modeled after the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, the grandfather of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, who said, “You feel the way you think.” This exercise will get you to those different thoughts that’ll help you feel calm and centered.
3. Practice Mindfulness
You knew I was going to say it! I know I say it all the time but, guess what? It’s because it’s the damn answer! If you want to be in charge of yourself, you’ve got to get off of autopilot and into your moments. I wish there were another way to do this, but there’s not. So, download my Mindfulness Starter Kit already and make it an all-day practice!
You can also get into other activities that keep you grounded in the present moment, like meditation or yoga. If you want to try meditation and it’s been hard before, you can also download my Meditation Starter Kit. This can help you stay centered when triggers come up. So, if your boss gives you feedback, you’ll be able to notice yourself getting defensive right in the moment. Then, instead of reacting, you can stop yourself and simply notice (non-judgmentally) your reaction and not give in to that emotional trigger.
4. Seek Support
If emotional triggers have an uncomfortable hold on you, it might be time to speak to a therapist or counselor who can help you work through past experiences that are contributing to your triggers. So, if you find that you always see feedback as criticism and it always triggers an out-of-proportion response, a professional can help you trace it back to a hypercritical parent and work on shifting your response.
A warning about this: I find that too many people are so busy trying to figure out the “why” that they avoid taking action and moving forward. If you’re doing exploration, it’s not to point a finger of blame at anyone; it’s to help you explain to yourself why you are the way you are so you can be more forgiving and less judgmental of yourself.
5. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms
In the end, you need to stop reacting impulsively and find healthy ways to live and cope with your emotions. The key is to do these things consistently. In my experience, you might use some tool I suggest, and then you feel better, so you stop, and then your old patterns creep back in. You’ve got to stick with these new tools longer term (possibly forever, depending on what you’re overcoming) to make real, lasting change.
And you know all the things:
- Reading inspiring books/passages
- Journaling
- Exercising (instead of ruminating for hours after an argument with your mom, go for a run instead)
- Talking to a trusted friend or therapist
- Eating healthy and getting enough sleep! There is nothing more dysregulating than not having enough sleep. If you struggle with your emotional management, this needs to be a top priority for you.
- Daily mindfulness
- Regular meditation
- Having clear boundaries that you keep!
- Creating/Joining loving and supportive communities
Conclusion
Emotional triggers can turn everyday interactions into emotional roller coasters. But by understanding the science behind them and implementing strategies to manage them, you can keep your cool and navigate life’s ups and downs with grace (and maybe even a little humor). Every time you pause instead of reacting, you’re breaking an old pattern and stepping into a more peaceful version of yourself, which you greatly deserve!
Here are all the extras for my One Love Collective Online Patreon Community:
Tier I
- Emotional Regulation Cheat Sheet: Quick Strategies to Soothe Your Triggers
- Journaling Prompts to Help Identify and Deal with Triggers
Tier II
- From Old to New Worksheet
- Journaling Prompts to Dig Deeper into Emotions Related to Triggers
Tier III
- Emotional Triggers Worksheet: Identify, Understand, and Soothe Your Reactions
Resources for Emotional Triggers: Understanding Your Brain and How to Keep It in Check
Join the One Love Collective on Patreon!
How to Effectively Deal with Triggers in Your Relationships
Got Family Stress? How to Not Get Trigged by Family
How Meditation Benefits Your Relationships and There’s an Easy Way to Learn
Three Holistic Approaches to Your Mental Health
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Research
LeDoux, Joseph. Rethinking the Emotional Brain, Neuron, Volume 73, Issue 4, 653 – 676
