Long-distance relationships (LDRs) are more prevalent than ever. With the rise of remote work, study abroad programs, and meeting people online, couples often find themselves navigating love across the miles. Most people think long-distance relationships “never work,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. But, you’ve got to know what to do and not do, so today you’re going to learn my top seven dos and don’ts for making long-distance relationships (and really any relationship) great!
14-minute read
Introduction
According to recent studies, about three million Americans live apart from their spouse at some point during their marriage, and 75% of college students have been in a long-distance relationship. Currently, it’s estimated that about 16 million people in the US are in long-distance relationships, with the average distance being 125 miles.
While long-distance relationships come with unique challenges, they can also offer opportunities for growth, deeper emotional connections, and greater trust. With the right mindset and tools, thriving in an LDR is absolutely possible. Research has shown that long-distance couples actually have the same or more satisfaction in their relationships than couples who live together. The studies also show higher levels of dedication to their relationships, more feelings of freedom (being less trapped), and more intimacy.
In a paper titled “Absence Makes Communication Grow Fonder,” researcher Crystal Jiang says:
“Indeed, our culture, emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values. People don’t have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance. The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.”
Long-distance relationships often start with excitement as you both navigate the novelty of being apart while cherishing the time spent together. However, the initial thrill can fade, making it crucial to discuss challenges openly. The biggest issues I see are jealousy and insecurity, followed by loneliness and vulnerability.
If you’re part of my One Love Collective on Patreon, you’ll be getting lots of extras, but for all my listeners right now, you’ll be able to download my Top 5 Signs that Your LDR Might be in Trouble on my website or under the video on YouTube (and please like and subscribe on YouTube or even leave a comment there).
The Psychology Behind Long-Distance Relationships
Understanding the psychological dynamics of LDRs can set the foundation for success. Let’s explore some key aspects:
- Attachment Styles and LDRs: Attachment theory reveals how our early relationships shape our adult connections. For instance, individuals with anxious attachment may struggle more with the uncertainty of LDRs, often needing extra reassurance. On the other hand, those with secure attachment tend to navigate the ups and downs with greater resilience. Recognizing these patterns allows couples to address their specific needs effectively. People who actively choose LDRs (in general) likely have a bit of an avoidant attachment style. For those with anxious attachment styles, LDRs can be a nightmare.
- The Role of Expectations: Setting expectations about communication and future visits is vital. For example, deciding on a daily check-in time can provide stability. One couple I work with agreed to video call every Sunday evening, creating a ritual that became a comforting anchor in their relationship.
- The Paradox of Independence and Closeness: One unique benefit of LDRs is the opportunity to cultivate independence. This means pursuing personal goals, like enrolling in a course or starting a new hobby, while still maintaining emotional closeness. Couples often find that growing individually strengthens their bond when they reunite.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Making a Long-Distance Relationship Great
Do #1: Make a Schedule
If you were living together, you’d have some kind of schedule. You’d know when your partner was coming home or where they were during the day. It’s a little different with long-distance relationships. While it’s not needed to know where the other person is every minute or to check in every time they leave somewhere, it is good to have a schedule for when you’ll connect.
When you’re thinking about that schedule, ask these questions:
- When are you at your best? What time of day?
- When can you devote unrushed time and full attention to conversations?
I need to say that if your partner refuses to schedule times to chat or constantly forgets or reschedules, you’ve got to take a step back and think about whether this relationship is going to work for you.
Don’t #1: Constantly Check In
Constantly checking in with your partner all day/night long is a sign of poor boundaries, low self-esteem and insecurity, whether you’re in a long-distance relationship or not. I, of course, never mean to be harsh, but I’m not going to sugarcoat what this is. If you examine when you get the urge to check in with your partner, the vast majority of the time, it’s because you’re anxious, insecure or jealous. Since you have a set time you know you’ll be chatting, resist the urge to pick up your phone. And let’s be real, it’ll give you something to chat about when you do speak.
Do #2: Set Expectations
You’ve got to be on the same page when it comes to the ground rules for the relationship. For example:
- How fast should a response to a text be?
- What form of communication do you both like best or will work best for both of you?
- Who can be more flexible with their schedule to accommodate the other?
- When do you need connection the most (bedtime, first thing in the morning, middle of the day check-in?)
- How often are you going to communicate?
Don’t #2: Make Assumptions
Do not assume anything (again, this applies to in-person relationships too). It’s important to make everything crystal clear so there are no misunderstandings. In my experience, people don’t tell their partners what they really need or want because they don’t want to seem a certain way (clingy, needy, scary, too much). But, these things will absolutely create issues later so better to know up front. Fear has no place in a love relationship.
You’ve Got to Have High Standards and Low Expectations.
Do #3: Create Time Together That Feels Easy/Relaxed
When you finally get to spend time with your partner in person or during a dedicated call, prioritize ease and relaxation. Instead of cramming your time with back-to-back plans or intense discussions, focus on being present and enjoying each other’s company. For example, you could cook a meal together, watch a favorite show, or simply take a walk while chatting about life. This approach allows you to connect without unnecessary stress, creating memories that are joyful and effortless. These moments of simplicity help strengthen your bond and remind you why your relationship is worth the effort.
Don’t #3: Put Too Much Pressure on Shared Time Together
It’s easy to feel like every moment together must be perfect, but this kind of pressure can lead to disappointment and frustration. For instance, expecting every visit to be magical or filled with grand gestures can detract from the simple pleasure of being with each other. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on authenticity. Allow room for things to flow naturally, and accept that not every moment will be Instagram-worthy. This mindset reduces stress and ensures that your time together feels genuine rather than forced.
Do #4: Be There Even When You’re Not
Not living together physically doesn’t mean you can’t be there. There are a number of great ways to do this:
- Physical reminders of your partner are great (you might want to sleep in that shirt that still smells like him), or have other reminders around – pictures, gifts, mementos or souvenirs from that last trip you took together.
- You can send one another things: written letters, small gifts, fruit of the month club, and care packages are all great!
- Do stuff together even though you’re apart:
- Play an online game together or have a series or show that you watch together every week.
- Video chat while he shops for clothing, and you help him pick out that perfect shirt.
- Maybe you go on a nature hike and send her a video of all that you’re seeing so she can experience it with you.
Don’t think out of sight, out of mind.
Don’t #4: Assume You Don’t Have to Think About Your Partner When You’re Not Together
It’s important to think of your partner when you’re not together. Again, this is important in in-person relationships too. If you’re out doing something, think, “Would I be doing this if I lived with my partner?” or “Would I be talking this way to this person if I lived with my partner?”
Remember, you’re part of a committed couple, no matter what.
Do and Don’t #5: Be Transparent, not Just Honest
I’m putting these two together because I don’t know how to separate them and have a clear point.
Honesty and transparency are often used interchangeably in conversations about relationships, but they’re distinct concepts with different impacts. Honesty refers to being truthful – giving accurate information and avoiding lies. It’s foundational to trust and is typically considered a non-negotiable aspect of healthy relationships. If your partner asks, “Did you call your ex?” being honest means answering truthfully, whether that answer is yes or no.
Transparency, on the other hand, goes deeper. It’s about being open, forthcoming, and proactive in sharing information. Transparency isn’t just about telling the truth when asked—it’s about creating an environment where questions don’t need to be asked because everything is out in the open. Transparency would mean telling your partner about the call with your ex before they even ask, not because you’re obligated to, but because you prioritize openness and want to foster trust and connection.
And transparency matters more than honesty! Yes, honesty is crucial, but it often operates reactively. You’re truthful when asked or when a situation arises, but it might not address the emotional needs of the relationship. Transparency, however, is proactive and demonstrates a deeper level of commitment to the relationship’s well-being. It removes ambiguity and creates emotional safety. When you’re transparent, your partner doesn’t have to wonder what you’re thinking or doing because you share openly, reducing the potential for misunderstandings, mistrust, and anxiety.
Transparency is more important than honesty because it shows intentionality. It’s not just about avoiding lies; it’s about fostering closeness, trust, and connection by willingly inviting your partner into your inner world. For example, an honest partner might admit they’ve been feeling distant when asked, but a transparent partner will bring up those feelings on their own, ensuring their partner isn’t left in the dark.
Ultimately, transparency is about removing barriers in communication and creating an environment where both partners feel safe, respected, and valued. It’s a higher standard of emotional engagement that deepens intimacy and builds a stronger foundation for long-term any relationship success.
And a little PS here: Don’t spy! Absolutely no sneaky behavior or secret stalking of your partner’s life. If you don’t trust your partner, you’re in big trouble whether you’re physically close or apart.
Do #6. Quality over Quantity
It’s not how much you communicate, but the quality of that communication: this is true for long-distance couples as well as geographically close ones and this is a place where long-distance couples have the advantage because you know your time together is precious, so you treat the communication differently. You’re not going to spend time on logistics or the ins and outs of living together.
Geographically close couples have so many opportunities to communicate that they can lose quality (“Isn’t it your turn to put away the dishes?” “Chicken for dinner again?” “You keep missing the hamper with your dirty clothes!”).
Long-distance couples won’t have as many opportunities to communicate (quantity), but you can really make the quality something special, and that’s where the emotional closeness lives. You don’t have the ability to read subtle body language and pick up on other cues (no matter how much FaceTime you use), so make sure the language you use is thoughtful and deliberate.
The good news is that when you focus on quality, you build a strong connection. For many people, it’s easier to share deeper feelings when it’s not face-to-face. This doesn’t make the intimacy and connection any less real. In fact, you might create more intimacy and closeness from the level of sharing and getting to know one another. So, when you do eventually spend more time together and have to deal with chores and snoring, these will be overcome more easily as you work from a strong foundation of emotional closeness.
Don’t #6: Try to Connect out of Insecurity
Drs. Diane Rudolph and Phillip Lee, co-heads of couples’ therapy at Weill Cornell Medicine say: “When the communication is hijacked by insecurity, the anxious partner will not be reassured, and the other partner will be turned off by the constant checking in. The frequency of interaction in couples separated by distance needs to correlate to the same parameters of interaction when both are at home. It needs to be at a level agreeable to both parties.”
As I mentioned earlier, it’s not a good idea to text all day long. There’s no reason to be extra clingy. Have your times that you check in and leave it at that. If something major comes up that you want to share, by all means call. But, if it’s just your insecurities and fear cropping up, you’ve got to stop yourself and focus on yourself and your life. Why is this feeling here? It’s about you, not the other person.
Do #7: Keep the Spark Alive
Distance doesn’t have to dull your connection. Here’s how to keep your relationship vibrant:
- Creative Ways to Stay Connected:
- Sending care packages with handwritten notes and small gifts.
- Watching movies together in real-time.
- Competing in online games or doing virtual escape rooms as a fun way to bond. (I have many more suggestions below).
- Maintaining Intimacy: Emotional intimacy can be nurtured through thoughtful gestures. For example, one couple I worked with started a shared journal where they wrote letters to each other and mailed it back and forth.
- Celebrating Milestones: Mark anniversaries or personal achievements with virtual celebrations. Another man I worked with sent a surprise dinner delivery to his partner and one to his own address. Then they sat and ate it at the same time. This is a great example of creating a shared experience despite the miles.
Find the Spark Again (or for the First Time) in Your Relationship
Don’t #7: Have a Boring Sex Life
The biggest thing you miss in a long-distance relationship is physical closeness. You can’t have actual sex, cuddle on the couch, or spoon in bed when you’re physically apart. This is where you need to get creative. Don’t just wait for those times you’re together to have great sex. You can:
- Schedule Virtual Intimacy Dates
Set aside dedicated time to connect intimately online. This could mean having a video call where you both dress up (or down) and share fantasies, have some dirty talk, or get into mutual masturbation and exploration. You can also use app-controlled intimacy devices that can be used remotely to add excitement and physical connection despite the distance. Do some internet searching; you’ll be amazed at all the options. - Send Flirty Texts or Voice Notes
Throughout the day, send playful, suggestive, or outright steamy messages to keep the spark alive. Voice notes can make it more personal and enticing. - Share a “Private” Playlist
Create a shared playlist of songs that set the mood for intimacy. Then, play that music during a sexy video chat. - Write Hot Letters
Write erotic letters/texts/videos that express your desires or fantasies. You don’t have to fulfill these, so really go for it. For example, you might write out a fantasy of having a threesome even though that’s not something you want to do in real life. - Surprise Each Other with Intimate Gifts
Send lingerie, a personalized photo book, or even an envelope with a list of things you’d like to try together when you’re next reunited. - Read Erotic Stories Together
Pick a story or write one yourselves and take turns reading it aloud. This can create a shared experience that builds emotional and physical anticipation. - Be Playful and Adventurous
Don’t be afraid to experiment with what makes you both comfortable. Play games, send secret messages, or even create shared intimate challenges to spice things up.
Conclusion: Thriving Despite the Distance
Long-distance relationships require effort, but they can also be deeply rewarding. By fostering trust, prioritizing quality communication, and keeping the spark alive, couples can build a relationship that’s not only resilient but also enriched by the challenges they’ve overcome. Distance isn’t a barrier to love; it’s an opportunity to deepen connection, grow individually, and build a foundation of mutual respect and commitment.
Research and Resources for How to Make Long-Distance (and Live-In) Relationships Work: Proven Tips for Building Connection and Trust
Join Abby’s Patreon to get exclusive access to content.
What to Do and Not Do If Your Partner Is Jealous
How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship
Overcoming Insecurity and Silencing Your Inner Critic
Why You Feel Lonely Even If You Have Friends and Three Solutions That Work
Why It’s Hard to Ask For Help and 3 Tips for Making It Easier
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships
You’ve Got to Have High Standards and Low Expectations
How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships
Finding the Spark Again or For the First Time
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Long Distance Relationships, The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships
How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work, According to Experts
