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Owning your shit is the key to a happy life because if you don’t own your shit, it’ll own you. If you’re blaming anyone else for anything in your life, it means you’re not taking responsibility for what you need to, and it’s keeping you stuck. Today I’m going to teach you the three ways you’re neglecting your own emotional needs and how to fix it!
Symptoms of Not Owning Your Shit
- If you get caught up in VERB (acting like a Victim, acting Entitled, waiting to be Rescued or Blaming)
- If you feel (or have been told you’re) passive, needy, weak or clingy in relationships
- If you’re always looking for someone else to give you support, reassurance or advice
- If your feelings change based on others (they’re in a bad mood, so you are too; you’re proud of something until someone else poops on it and then you change your mind)
- If you’re preoccupied with your relationships – always checking in, asking for feedback or wondering about what they’re thinking
- If you’re perfectionistic and self-critical, which will cause you to look to others to build your self-esteem; you’re often anxious about how you’re showing up and what others will say
- If you’ve identified that you’re anxiously attached
There Are Generally Three Main Reasons Why You Don’t Own Your Feelings
- You don’t know you’re having them. You’re so far from knowing how you feel that you’re not even aware of them.
- You don’t feel entitled to them. There’s some shame going on and you don’t feel like you deserve to feel this way (“I’m over-reacting”; “I’m too emotional”)
- You’re worried that if you say how you feel the other person won’t like you. This means they’ll abandon you, judge you or criticize you. These last two reasons are very linked to your self-esteem, which is likely low if you’re feeling this way.
The Three Ways You Emotionally Mistreat Yourself (and What to Do Instead)
1. You allow other people to tell you how you think and feel.
You blame others for how you feel and you decide they’re the “why” of how you feel.
What to Do Instead:
First, when you’re noticing that you’re having a reaction, you need to ask yourself why you’re having that reaction. You want to identify what you believe about what’s happening that’s creating the feeling you’re having. Then, you want to do some RET work around it. What else could be true?
Second, I want you to focus on your calibration and being the dominant vibration in the room!
2. You’ve got crappy boundaries
You haven’t set clear boundaries and limits with others about what you will and won’t accept and then you often end up upset that they’re treating you a certain way.
What to Do Instead:
Identify your boundaries. How do you want to be treated? What’s acceptable and what’s not? Then you’ve got to stick to those and remind people when they don’t meet your boundary.
3. You ignore your triggers
As you pay more attention to your emotions and how you’re feeling, you notice what triggers you and prepare for it.
What to Do Instead:
It’s not, “Oh, I’m going to my mom’s so I’m going to feel like crap.” It’s, “I’m going to my mom’s which usually triggers me. I’m going to do X and Y to make sure I’m not triggered today.” What can you think instead about what your mom is saying? What can you do to get yourself ready and to be that dominant vibration?
Overall, you’ve got to observe these reactions you’re having, without judgment. You want to work on understanding what’s triggering you and why so you can change how you show up.
This means you’ve got to up your mindfulness game. You’ve got to be more aware in your moments of the reactions you’re having. I’ve made it really easy for you to be more mindful. Enter your name and email below to download the Mindfulness Starter Kit to get started today!
How Attached Are You to Your Partner
Shame: The Silent Killer in Relationships
RET: Change How You Feel with This One Easy Tool
The Secret to Positive Thinking in All Your Relationships
Boundaries: How to Identify Them and How to Hold Them
Are You Being Triggered in Your Relationship?