is porn a problem in your relationship?

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Today I’m answering your top questions when it comes to porn in relationships: Is it an addiction? Is it cheating? What does the research say about it? What do you say about it, Abby? And how the heck do I deal with it, if it’s become an issue? I’m coming at you with all the answers today, so stay tuned!

Question #1: What Does the Research Say?

Ultimately, I’m not sure the research has many good answers because there’s a lot of conflicting research on how porn affects relationships. You can find studies that show watching a lot of porn being associated with less happy relationships and a bad sex life but you can just as quickly find studies showing the positive effects of watching porn in a relationship.

In the end, although many studies have linked porn use with relationship unhappiness, there’s no definitive evidence that watching porn causes people to be unhappy in their relationship; it could be that people who are unhappy in their relationships and with their sex lives just watch more porn.

Question #2: Can You Be Addicted to Porn?

Pornography addiction is not an official diagnosis. The big book we use to diagnose people, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM) doesn’t list it, which means you shouldn’t be diagnosing your partner with a porn addiction. What you’re dealing with might be a compulsion (which relieves anxiety) versus an addiction (which involves the reward center of the brain).

Because there’s no empirical scientific data, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) says that people in their group are very careful not to pathologize the use of porn.

But just because it’s not an addiction, per se, doesn’t mean you haven’t had large or small issues with porn in your relationship! In my work, I’ve found two key ways porn can be a problem:

1. Preoccupation: Porn is a problem if one partner becomes preoccupied with it. What defines preoccupation? To me it means they watch porn in such a way that it gets chosen over their partner, kids, family or work. If watching porn makes any of those other areas of your life “less,” then there’s an issue.

2. Keeping it a Secret

What I see happening over and over is that porn watching is kept a secret for two reasons:

  1. It wasn’t discussed before you committed to a long-term relationship/marriage and you think it’ll just upset your partner so you don’t mention it or you’re sure they won’t like it so you definitely don’t mention it.
  2. You did discuss it and your partner isn’t OK with it and, instead of working that out, you decided, “It’s not hurting anyone” so you decided to keep doing it (even though you promised not to) and need to keep it a secret

To me, if you’re fighting about porn, it’s a symptom, not the issue. In other words, if you scratch the surface, there’s something else causing your issues.

Question #3: When is it a Problem?

There are six main signs I see that show that porn is a problem:

  1. Consistently losing track of time while watching porn and then being late to events, missing them altogether or not having enough time to do something else well.
  2. Continuing to watch despite negative consequences in your personal or work relationships or with your self-care.
  3. Attempting to manage it but quickly going back to old patterns (“I’ll only watch on the week-ends or a couple times a week” but then watching daily).
  4. Not feeling satisfied with your sex life with your partner or having it affect it negatively.
  5. Feeling guilty or ashamed after watching or after having sex with your partner.
  6. Your thoughts are consumed with porn all the time.

Question #4: Is Watching Porn Cheating?

Whether watching porn is cheating completely depends on what the two of you decide is cheating. Like anything else in the relationship, it should be discussed.

Question #5: What Should I Do if Porn is Affecting My Relationship?

It’s time to have an open, loving conversation about it. Here are some questions to discuss (some of these might be hard for you, but it’s important to be open and willing to question your own assumptions and beliefs):

  • What specifically bothers you about your partner watching porn? Saying, “It’s just not right” or “It’s not how I was raised” aren’t enough. Dig deeper (with love) to find out if there’s feelings of competition or inadequacy.
  • Why do you feel you have the right to curtail their watching of porn? Would they have the right to object to things you do that they don’t like such as looking at Pinterest, being on a soccer team, or watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”?
  • Why does your partner watching porn carry more weight than other things you do that they don’t like?
  • Why is your partner watching porn? What are they getting out of it?
  • Ask the person watching porn how they think it affects your relationship.
  • If one partner doesn’t watch porn, ask them how they think porn affects the relationship.
  • How do you feel about yourself after watching porn?
  • How do you feel about your partner after watching porn?
  • Ask each person what they like about their shared sex life.
  • What would each person like more or less of?
  • Why do you give your partner’s porn-watching meaning that they don’t give it?
  • And why do you believe that your interpretation what porn means (it’s cheating) is more accurate than their description of it (I’m just relaxing)?

Come up with something you both agree to. If you can’t find a resolution, get professional help. You can check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists for someone with specialty in this area.

If you think the big problem in your relationship is poor communication, you can learn my top 5 strategies for communicating like a rock star. Click here for my FREE Communication Tool Kit for Couples!

RESOURCES

The Do’s and Don’ts if Your Partner Cheated

8 Rules for Giving Great Feedback

American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists

Some great ethical porn sites to check out:

  • CrashPadSeries, a subscription-based site available at three price tiers
  • FrolicMe, which offers a week-long trial for $6.25
  • Bellesa, which offers a 2-day trial for $2
  • Four Chambers, a pledge-based membership site

RESEARCH

Destin N. Stewart and Dawn M. Szymanski, “Young Adult Women’s Reports of Their Male Romantic Partner’s Pornography Use as a Correlate of Their Self-Esteem, Relationship Quality, and Sexual Satisfaction,” Sex Roles 67 (2012): 257-271.

Spencer B. Olmsted et al., “Emerging Adults’ Expectations for Pornography Use in the Context of Future Committed Romantic Relationships: A Qualitative Study,” Arch. Sex Behav 42, no. 4 (2013): 625-35.

Megan K. Maas, Sara A. Vasilenko, and Brian J. Willoughby, “A Dyadic Approach to Pornography Use and Relationship Satisfaction Among Heterosexual Couples: The Role of Pornography Acceptance and Anxious Attachment,” J. Sex Res 55, no. 6 (Jul-Aug 2018): 772

Nicole Prause et al, “Modulation of Late Positive Potentials by Sexual Images in Problem Users and Controls Inconsistent with ‘Porn Addiction,’” Biology Psychology 109 (July 2015): 192-199.

Jason S. Carroll and Brian J. Willoughby, “The Porn Gap: Gender Differences in Pornography Use in Couple Relationships,” Institute for Family Studies, October 4, 2017.

Raymond M. Berner and Ana J. Bridges, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and Clinical Implications,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy 28, no. 3 (2002): 193-206.

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