We all have that inner critic, the voice that whispers judgments about others and ourselves. It’s quick to label, to assume, to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. While judgment can be a natural human response, being judgmental can erode your relationships and seriously hinder your personal growth. Yes, judgment feels good at first. It gives you a hit of certainty, a sense of superiority, and the illusion of control. But over time, it poisons your perspective and isolates you from the very connection you crave. Today we’ll talk about why you judge, the problems it causes, and my 8 steps to help you become less judgmental.
12-min read
Why Is Being Judgmental a Problem?
There are three main problems with being judgmental.
- Erodes Relationships and Connection
Judging others leads to defensiveness, resentment, and communication breakdowns. People who feel judged are less likely to open up or trust others, leading to distancing and strained connections. In way too many studies, it’s been found that people who perceive judgment from peers report significantly higher interpersonal anxiety and lower relationship satisfaction. These include studies that take into account different cultures, gender, and age.
- Limits Personal Growth
When you focus on other people’s flaws, you often ignore your own. This projection protects your ego but stalls your self-development. Judgment is often a defense mechanism rooted in shame or fear, allowing you to displace the discomfort you feel about yourself onto someone else.
- Mental Health Impact
Judging others can increase your own anxiety and stress levels by creating an internal atmosphere of negativity and dissatisfaction. Studies show that individuals with high levels of self-judgment experience greater emotional dysregulation and depressive symptoms.
Origins: Why Do We Judge?
But if it’s so harmful to ourselves and our relationships, why do we do it? There are three main reasons we judge others.
- Evolutionary Perspective
In early human history, judging quickly was a survival tool. Deciding whether someone was friend or foe, safe or dangerous, had real consequences. These fast judgments, powered by the amygdala, are still at play today, even when they’re no longer adaptive.
- Psychological Factors
Judgment often functions as a psychological defense. When we feel shame, anxiety, or inadequacy, judging someone else allows us to distance from our own pain. These judgments may feel protective, but they reinforce fear-based thinking over compassion.
- Cognitive Shortcuts
We rely on heuristics (aka: mental shortcuts) to quickly process information. But those shortcuts often reinforce bias. A classic example is the fundamental attribution error: we judge others based on their character (“They’re irresponsible”) but explain our own actions in context (“I was late because traffic was bad” or “I didn’t mean to cut that person off.”).
Cultural and Gender Differences in Judgment
Judgment isn’t a one-size-fits-all phenomenon. What we judge, and how we judge, is deeply shaped by the culture and gender roles we grow up with. If you’ve ever thought, “Why is this such a big deal to them?” or “Why do I react more emotionally than others?” culture and gender socialization are likely in play.
Cultural Differences: East vs. West, Collectivist vs. Individualist
Since this podcast is downloaded all around the world, I feel like I have to say something here about how different cultural influences impact how much or little you might judge. Since it would be impossible to cover every country and culture (think of all the cultures within each country!), I’ve decided to at least talk about collectivist vs individualist countries as a place to begin the conversation.
In collectivist cultures (common in many parts of Asia – think China, Japan, Korea, India, Africa, and Latin America), moral judgment often emphasizes group harmony, loyalty, and social obligation. Behaviors are judged based on how they affect the community or family unit. In these contexts, someone who disrupts harmony, even with good intentions, may be judged more harshly than someone who quietly complies.
In contrast, individualist cultures (like the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, and much of Western Europe) tend to prioritize autonomy, independence, and personal rights. Judgment here often centers around whether someone is authentic or violating someone else’s freedom.
An example might be that a person who quits their job to travel might be seen as selfish or irresponsible in a collectivist culture but as brave and self-actualized in an individualist one.
Even core moral dilemmas, like the famous trolley problem, show different judgment patterns depending on cultural background. If you don’t know, The Trolley Problem is a classic thought experiment in moral philosophy. It goes like this:
A runaway trolley is heading down a track toward five people who will be killed if it continues. You’re standing next to a lever. If you pull it, the trolley will switch to another track, but there’s one person on that second track who will be killed instead. Do you pull the lever?
People who have what is known as Utilitarian Ethics (aka Consequentialism, which is commonly seen in individualist cultures) have a core belief that the right thing to do is whatever produces the greatest good for the greatest number. They’ll have a focus on outcomes and consequences. So, sacrificing one person to save five others is morally acceptable, because the net outcome benefits more people.
On the other “side” are people with what are called Deontological Ethics (aka Duty-Based Ethics, which are prevalent in collectivist cultures). Their core belief is that some actions are inherently right or wrong, regardless of the outcome. They have a focus on rules, duties, and moral principles. For them, even if killing one person could save five, it’s still wrong because killing is inherently immoral, so the ends do not justify the means.
So, a Westerner might say: “I’d pull the lever; saving five is better than one.” While a person from East Asia might say: “I couldn’t pull it. Taking a life actively, even to save others, feels wrong.”
Gender Differences: Social Conditioning and Moral Reasoning
Research also suggests meaningful gender differences in how people make moral judgments and how they express or internalize judgment.
- Women, on average, tend to favor a care-based moral framework. They’re more likely to weigh how a decision affects relationships and emotional well-being. This often comes with increased emotional engagement, which can make judgment feel more personal or self-critical.
- Men are more often socialized to adopt a justice-based moral lens, prioritizing fairness, rules, and logic. They may judge based on principles rather than emotional nuance and are often taught (explicitly or implicitly) to suppress vulnerability, which can lead to more externalized judgment.
An example here might be that a woman might harshly judge herself for saying “no” to a friend in need because she’s been conditioned to prioritize emotional caretaking. A man might judge someone for breaking a rule regardless of context, due to being raised with strong moral binaries like right/wrong or winner/loser.
Of course, these aren’t hardwired differences; they’re socially shaped patterns. Culture and gender intersect, overlap, and evolve. But understanding these frameworks can help you pause and ask: Is this judgment really mine? Or was I taught to think this way?
Steps to Becoming Less Judgmental: A Four-Part Framework
Being less judgmental isn’t a one-and-done fix; it’s a layered process that builds over time. While the steps below can be practiced in any order, they follow a natural psychological rhythm: from awareness to reframing, from exposure to deep repair. This is how sustainable change happens, not through judgment of our judgment, but through curious, compassionate action.
I’ve grouped my eight research-backed strategies into four progressive categories. Think of them as a roadmap for shifting from automatic judgment to mindful discernment.
Phase I: Awareness and Insight
The first two steps are here in Phase One. It all begins with noticing judgment when it arises, and gently exploring what’s underneath.
Step 1: Self-Awareness
Judgment often masks deeper emotions like fear, shame, or insecurity. The more aware we are of our patterns, the less power they have. I’ve done episodes on self-awareness and how to be more self-aware where I give a ton of tips, and I think there’s no better tool to up your self-awareness than asking for feedback from people you respect, but here are a couple of different ones you can also do.
- Keep a “judgment log” for one week. Every time you catch yourself judging someone (including yourself), jot down what triggered it and what you were feeling right before.
- Use body cues. Judgment often shows up physically before it shows up mentally. You might notice tense shoulders, a tight chest, shallow breath. Learn to recognize these as early warning signs.
Step 2: Practice Empathy
Empathy doesn’t excuse behavior, it contextualizes it. It turns labels into questions and makes space for complexity. I strongly encourage you to check out my previous episode on empathy (spoiler alert: it’s not the same as sympathy!) as soon as possible but, again, let’s give you a couple of tools right now.
- Ask yourself, “What might be going on for this person that I can’t see?” Try to name three possible explanations for their behavior.
- Once a week, expose yourself to content (a memoir, podcast, documentary) from someone with a life experience radically different from your own. Let your heart and mind expand.
Phase II: Cognitive Reframing
Now that you’re noticing your judgments, it’s time to question and challenge them. Not with shame, but with curiosity. So, steps three and four are all about cognitive reframing. Now, I did an entire episode dedicated to how to do cognitive reframing called “How to Stop Overthinking and Let Things Go That Bother You,” and I strongly suggest you read or give a listen to that one. But, once again, I’m going to give you some additional tips right now too.
Step 3: Challenge Assumptions
Judgments often show up as assumptions we’ve stopped questioning. When you assume, you stop investigating or asking questions.
- When you hear a judgmental thought, ask: “What story am I telling myself right now? Is this the only possible explanation?”
- Use the “Rule of Three,” list three alternative explanations for the behavior or situation you’re in, even if they sound unlikely. This creates cognitive flexibility or flexibility in your thinking.
Step 4: Mindfulness
Mindfulness is about creating a pause between some stimulus and your reaction to it. It’s about being present in the moment non-judgmentally. Judgment lives in reactivity, but mindfulness opens a doorway to choice because it teaches you to have a pause button between something that bothers you and your reaction to that thing.
- When a judgmental thought arises, silently label it: “That’s a judgment.” Take a slow breath and notice your body before responding.
- Practice a daily body scan. This strengthens your ability to tolerate discomfort, which is generally the hidden driver of judgment. I have something called The Golden Light Body Scan that takes about 7 minutes.
Download my FREE Mindfulness Starter Kit!
Phase III: Exposure and Expansion
Once you’ve built awareness and practiced reframing, it’s time to challenge your echo chamber and stretch your worldview, which brings us to steps five and six.
Step 5: Educate Yourself
Ignorance is fertile ground for judgment. The more you understand about others and yourself, the less reactive you’ll be.
- Once a month, read, listen to, or watch something from a community or worldview you’ve historically misunderstood or judged.
- Go beyond opinion. Search Google Scholar or PubMed for one peer-reviewed article about a group or identity you hold bias against, and read it with an open mind.
- I highly recommend reading The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt. It will completely change how you think about other people you previously didn’t understand.
Step 6: Reflect on Personal Biases
You can’t change what you won’t name. Uncovering your biases isn’t about guilt, it’s about growth.
- I highly recommend taking the Implicit Association Test (IAT) from Harvard’s Project on race, gender, and age. The key is to let the results inform, not shame you! I can tell you that it is eye-opening in important ways!
- Then, track one bias for a week. When does it show up? What triggers it? What story are you believing in those moments?
Phase IV: Accountability and Healing
This phase is about external mirrors and internal repair. You invite feedback and heal the wounds that made judgment feel necessary.
Step 7: Seek Feedback
You can’t see your own blind spots, but others can. I’ve done a previous episode on how to identify your relationship blind spots, so you might want to check that out. But as I mentioned previously, feedback gives you clarity without needing to stumble around in the dark.
- Ask a trusted friend or partner, “Do I come off as judgmental sometimes? Can you share an example?” Then listen, no defending. You can also ask for two things the person thinks you do well and two things they think you could improve or work on.
- In group or work settings, ask for structured feedback on how you listen, respond, or engage. Let people reflect on your impact.
Do you want to get great at giving feedback? Then check out my eight rules!
Step 8: Get Professional Help
Judgmental patterns often stem from early environments where we were judged, shamed, or taught perfectionism as protection. Therapy can help you meet those roots with healing.
- Ask a therapist about modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Compassion-Focused Therapy, DBT, or Schema Therapy, all of which help soften inner criticism and judgment.
- Try some journaling around this subject. Use prompts like: “What judgments did I grow up hearing most? About others? About myself? Whose voice is that really?”
- If you aren’t in my online membership, The One Love Collective (who gets all these things included), I’d lovingly suggest buying the Masterclass bundle for today’s episode. It’s $8, and all the things you’ll get will be listed in just a moment after I wrap up.
Wrap-Up: Progress, Not Perfection
Becoming less judgmental isn’t about never having a critical thought again; it’s about recognizing those thoughts and choosing a different path. It’s about progress, not perfection. Judgment often shows up when we feel disconnected, afraid, or overwhelmed, so the antidote isn’t more shame. It’s awareness, curiosity, and compassion. When you shift from judging to understanding, from labeling to listening, you don’t just change your relationships, you change your relationship with yourself. And that’s where everything begins.
For the One Love Collective Community
Tier I: Inner Circle
- Question Checklist for Discernment vs Judgment: Asking yourself these questions will help you figure out if you’re being judging or discerning.
- Journaling Prompts Unpacking Your Judgment Triggers
- Spot the Judgment Worksheet
Tier II: Love Accelerator
- Conversation Starters for Speaking to Others About Judgment: If there’s judgment in any relationship, the best way to extinguish it is to discuss it without blame or shame. These questions are meant to prompt open conversations about judgment so you can move into a new understanding.
- Guided Visualization for Releasing Your Inner Critic
Tier III: VIP Love Lab
- Letter Template: Write to Your Inner Critic
- Mindset Reframe Chart: From Judgment to Curiosity
- Judgment Journal 7-Day Log Tracking Tool
Get all of the above for only $8! Buy the bundle now.
Resources for Judgment Detox: 8 Steps to Be Less Critical and More Connected
Join Abby’s One Love Collective Community on Patreon!
Buy the bundle for this episode
The Four Reasons Why Self-Awareness is the Most Important Thing in Your Relationship
Empathy in Relationships is the Key to Connection and Communication
How to Stop Overthinking and Let Things Go that Bother You
How to Identify Your Relationship Blind Spots
How to Stop Being a Perfectionist So You Can Start Being Happy
The Evolution of Accuracy and Bias in Social Judgment by Martie G. Haselton, David C. Funder
The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt
