What if the healthiest thing for your relationship… was your own front door? Living Apart Together (LAT) is a growing trend where committed couples choose to maintain separate households while staying emotionally and romantically connected. It flies in the face of the cultural script that says love means living under one roof, sharing a fridge, and arguing about thermostat settings. But LAT isn’t about avoiding intimacy or commitment. It’s about redefining what commitment looks like. In this episode, we’re digging into the psychology, the science, and the very real benefits of LAT relationships and how to tell if this unconventional setup might be right for you.
8-minute read
What is Living Apart Together (LAT)?
LAT relationships exist on a spectrum. Some couples live minutes apart and see each other daily. Others live in different cities and travel to be together. What they share is a core belief: you don’t need to cohabitate to be committed.
While it might sound modern, the concept isn’t new. Philosopher Simone de Beauvoir and writer Jean-Paul Sartre had an LAT relationship back in the 1920s. What is new is that more people are embracing this model without shame or secrecy.
Recent research estimates that around 10 percent of adults in committed relationships in the U.S. live apart from their partner by choice, not due to work, military, or immigration barriers. So, to be clear, LAT can overlap, but is inherently different than Long Distance Relationships (LDR’s) due to the choice factor. You can live next door to someone and be in a LAT relationship.
How to Make Long-Distance (and Live-In) Relationships Work – Get My Proven Tips!
Four Reasons Why People Choose LAT: The Psychology Behind the Preference
1. Autonomy and Attachment
For some, living separately allows for greater autonomy without sacrificing connection. Research on adult attachment styles shows that people with secure or earned secure attachment often thrive in LAT setups because they can tolerate intimacy without fear of engulfment.
An example here might be that you love your partner deeply but find that cohabitating brings out old wounds or control issues. Living apart helps you regulate your nervous system and stay grounded in the relationship.
2. Avoiding the Pitfalls of Cohabitation
Living together often intensifies power struggles and daily irritations. Shared living means negotiating every tiny thing, from clutter to cleaning styles to the sound of someone chewing with their mouth open. Not surprisingly, studies have found that while cohabitation increases intimacy, it also increases conflict frequency. LAT can sidestep this dynamic entirely.
3. Mental Health Considerations
Some people live apart because of mental health needs. If one or both partners struggle with anxiety, sensory processing issues, or trauma history, having separate spaces can be protective and stabilizing. So, it might be that you’re neurodivergent and find the sounds and smells of another person’s daily life overstimulating. Living apart lets you recharge and show up fully when you’re together.
4. Practical or Parental Reasons
LAT is also appealing to divorced or widowed people, especially those with kids. Merging households can bring unnecessary stress and disruption. LAT allows you to preserve peace in parenting while nurturing a romantic connection.
Common Myths About LAT Relationships
Let’s bust a few stereotypes:
- Myth: Living apart means you’re not really committed.
Truth: Commitment is about trust and emotional presence, not square footage. - Myth: LAT is just a stepping stone until you “really” move in.
Truth: For many couples, LAT is the destination, not a phase. - Myth: You must have intimacy issues if you can’t live with your partner.
Truth: I found research (some of it incorporating findings from multiple countries) showing that many LAT couples report higher relationship satisfaction than cohabitating ones.
Signs LAT Might Work for You
Ask yourself:
- Do I recharge best when I have time and space alone?
- Do I value routine and order that might not match my partner’s?
- Have past cohabitation experiences caused more stress than joy?
- Do I want a deep relationship without traditional structures?
If you said yes to more than one of these, LAT could be a game-changer.
But Is It Avoidant? Let’s Talk About That
You might worry that living apart is a way to avoid real intimacy. It’s a valid question. But if you’re still showing up for your partner emotionally, engaging in hard conversations, and building a future together, LAT isn’t about avoidance. It’s about intentional structure.
In fact, couples who consciously choose LAT tend to communicate more clearly about needs and boundaries. A 2021 study even found that LAT couples experience less relational ambivalence, likely because they had to think deeply about how to make the arrangement work.
Before I jump into my five strategies, I want to let you know that the free download for today’s episode is “Is LAT Right for You?” Self-Assessment Quiz + Conversation Starter Scripts. It’s a quick, research-backed quiz to assess your fit for LAT and five scripts for starting the conversation with your partner.
I also want to say that anyone in an LAT relationship would be greatly helped by my Boundaries Made Easy book or the Boundaries Made Easier Workbook.
How to Make LAT Work: 5 Expanded, Research-Backed Strategies
1. Create a Shared Vision
LAT works best when both people are on the same page about what the relationship is and what it isn’t. Unlike traditional cohabitation, where cultural defaults often guide expectations, LAT requires conscious clarity. Research on relational agency, the ability to co-create agreements in a relationship, shows that couples who explicitly define roles, expectations, and goals report higher satisfaction and lower conflict.
Ask yourselves:
- What does “committed” mean to each of us in this context?
- How often do we want to see each other in person?
- Are we exclusive? Monogamous? Something else?
- What does “showing up” look like when we don’t live together?
- How will we handle changes (illness, emergencies, future moves)?
Try this: Write down your shared vision as a working agreement. Revisit it every 6–12 months and adjust as needed.
2. Prioritize Rituals of Connection
When you live together, connection happens in the in-between moments like brushing teeth side-by-side, sharing a coffee, or greeting each other when you come home. In LAT, those moments don’t happen automatically, so you need to be intentional about creating them. Studies show that couples who maintain regular rituals experience higher intimacy and resilience during stress. These rituals anchor you to each other emotionally, especially when life gets hectic.
Ask yourselves:
- What daily or weekly rituals can we commit to?
- How will we stay emotionally tuned in when we’re apart?
- What are the small gestures that make me feel loved?
- Do we have rituals for both connection and repair?
Examples:
- Morning voice notes or check-in texts
- A standing date night (even if it’s virtual)
- Shared media like playlists or Netflix shows
- Sending small physical gifts or letters
Research shows that these small, repeated actions regulate emotional distance and reinforce the bond.
3. Address Financial Boundaries Head-On
LAT can get expensive because you’ve got double rent/mortgage, more utilities, and travel. If money conversations make you squeamish, you’re not alone. But not having them is a fast track to resentment. Financial disagreements are one of the top predictors of relational distress. LAT adds complexity because couples may feel less obligated to merge finances, but still experience financial entanglement, which needs clarity.
Ask yourselves:
- How do we define fairness around money?
- Will we split costs for shared experiences?
- Are we transparent about income, debt, or spending?
- Is financial support expected if one partner earns more?
Try this structure:
Use the “Yours, Mine, Ours” method:
- Yours: Personal income and expenses
- Mine: Same for your partner
- Ours: Shared costs like travel, meals, vacations
4. Make Space for Changing Needs
LAT isn’t static. It’s a living agreement that needs regular care and reassessment. A longitudinal study on relationship transitions found that couples who make room for evolving needs report more trust and less emotional withdrawal over time.
Ask yourselves:
- Is this still working for both of us emotionally and logistically?
- Are we making assumptions about what the other wants?
- Have any life circumstances shifted (job, kids, health)?
- Are we both feeling secure or are we starting to drift?
Try this: Set a quarterly check-in to ask:
- What’s working well in our LAT setup?
- What’s feeling off or unsustainable?
- What changes would make this even better?
Approach these like a board meeting: no distractions, clear agenda, and full presence.
5. Speak Openly About Social Perceptions
LAT can feel like swimming upstream. Your friends assume you’re not serious. Your mom keeps asking when you’re moving in. The pressure to explain or defend can chip away at your confidence if you’re not grounded in your own clarity. Studies show that people in non-traditional partnerships often experience “relationship invisibility,” which can lead to self-doubt unless buffered by strong internal and interpersonal validation.
Ask yourselves:
- How do I talk about our relationship with others?
- What language feels clear and confident?
- Do I internalize other people’s discomfort or judgment?
- How do we support one another when others don’t understand?
Try this: Co-create a “go-to” script:
- “We’re in a committed relationship. We just live separately because it works better for us.”
- “We find we’re more present when we each have space to recharge.”
- “It’s not traditional, but it’s intentional.”
The more self-assured you are in your language, the more likely others are to respect your choices.
Final Thoughts
LAT isn’t about being afraid of love or avoiding responsibility. It’s about doing relationships on purpose, not by default. If you’ve ever felt like you had to choose between closeness and independence, LAT asks: why not have both?
Remember to get your free LAT Starter Kit: “Is LAT Right for You?” Self-Assessment Quiz + Conversation Starter Scripts
A quick, research-backed quiz to assess your fit for LAT and five scripts for starting the conversation with your partner.
Take the Quiz and Get the Scripts
One Love Collective/Therapy-to-Go Bundle
- Checklist: “What to Talk About Before You Try LAT”
- Journaling Prompts
- Our LAT Compatibility Snapshot Worksheet
- LAT Values Alignment Exercise
- Script Bank: “Words to Say When LAT Feels Misunderstood”
- LAT Touchpoints Tracker
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for Living Apart Together: What Research Says About Couples Who Choose to Live Separately
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Boundaries Made Easier Workbook by Dr. Abby Medcalf
Co-creation Shared Reality: A Path to Higher-Quality Relationships and Well-Being Pinelli, Federica. Columbia University ProQuest Dissertations & Theses, 2022. 29067576.
Venter, N. Snyders, Ricky. Resilience in intimate relationships, Psychology Vol. 5, No. 1, Jan 2009
