Whether you call it a consensually non-monogamous relationship or ethical nonmonogamy, open relationships can be hard to define. It’s not cheating or swinging, and it’s not polyamory. So, what are open relationships and do you want to consider it? Today I’m sharing my five-step process for knowing if an open relationship is right for you.
7-minute read
Before I jump in, I want to say that I think open relationships can be amazing and wonderful. I think we’re challenging old stereotypes of what’s right and wrong, and I love that. I love that we’re able to have open and loving conversations about sex and what we think it does or doesn’t mean. You can be in a fully committed and sustainable relationship if it’s open. I’ve seen it and love that they exist.
Having said that, I have also seen open relationships that are coercive and fear-based and are instead about domination and oppression. I have seen people’s earlier traumas and low sense of self-worth played out in horrific ways. My goal today is for you to see how amazing the conversations and thinking about open relationships can be for the growth of your relationship, whether you end up having an open relationship or not! I think these deeper conversations uncover our own subconscious beliefs and assumptions in new and enlightening ways.
I’m only touching the surface here but if you want to go really deep on this topic, I recommend a book called Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. I also highly recommend The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. These are game-changers, and if you’re truly interested in opening your sex life in this or other ways, these books are required reading.
What is an Open Relationship?
I’m going to give you my definition, but the most important thing is for you and your partner to define what an open relationship means for the two of you. Healthy open relationships, in a broad sense, are relationships where it’s mutually agreed upon that one or both partners can have sex, and sometimes more, with people outside of the relationship. Open relationships should not be confused with polyamory, where partners have sex or more committed relationships with more than one person at a time. The couples I work with who are polyamorous are in a committed relationship but also have other committed relationships outside of their “main” relationship.
Swinging couples are couples who have sex with other partners where both people in a couple are involved. Sometimes this can mean a husband watching a wife having sex with another person, or it could be a couple going to a party and having sex with other people within the confines of the party. With swingers, these are most often committed couples having sex with other committed couples in a defined way. While swingers tend to keep their outside relationships to the realm of sex with other established couples, and polyamory is all about having multiple committed, romantic partners, open relationships are generally ones where partners can have sex with others in a casual, not committed way.
Today, I’m going to mostly come from the perspective that your partner has asked you to have an open relationship and you’re unsure about it. However, this episode is also great for you if you’re the one who’s wanting an open relationship so you can be clear of your own motivations and ways to approach the conversation.
What Does the Research Say?
A poll of more than 23,000 Americans found:
- 25% of Americans say they would be interested in having an open relationship.
- Among singles, 32% of men and 19% of women say they’d be interested in a non-monogamous relationship.
- Among married couples, 30% of men and only 21% of women would be interested in an open relationship.
- 41% of Millennials would be interested, while only 29% of Gen Z, 23% of Gen X and 12% of Baby Boomers.
- 46% of participants who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or “other” say they’re interested in having an open relationship, while only 22% of heterosexual/straight people were.
The Five Steps to Know if an Open Relationship is Right for You
There are many types of relationships and there’s no one right way to do it. To move forward in any conversation about having an open relationship, you’ve got to keep an open mind and be curious. It’s important to ask questions and not make judgments or act from a knee-jerk reaction.
I want to highly recommend you listen to my past episode entitled How to Listen without Getting Defensive or Hurt before you have any conversation or broach this subject with your partner.
Get my top tips for being curious, which helps with everything from improving your relationships, to coping better with rejection to feeling happier and more fulfilled in your life.
Step One: Ask questions to understand your partner’s why
First things first: Why is your partner considering an open relationship? What’s their motivation? Get at least three reasons for why they’re leaning this way. If the motivation is fear-based, this is not a good reason to have an open relationship. Fear-based reasons include:
- Fear of commitment or intimacy
- Past trauma or insecurity
- Already having interest in another person and wanting to pursue a relationship with that person
- Feeling that something is missing but not being able to identify that something. People often confuse sex and emotional closeness/intimacy.
For me, there’s only one real reason to have an open relationship, and that’s to improve the relationship. So, ask your partner, “Do you think this will improve our relationship? If so, why/in what ways?” Make sure this is an open conversation with no rebuttals from you. Listen like you’re wrong as you try to understand your partner’s point of view.
Step Two: Ask Questions to Further Clarify
- How do they see this looking? Ask for a picture of what they want.
- Are they on apps to date or hook up?
- Would this be often?
- Is there someone they already have in mind? (This is a red flag)!
- Is this a one-time thing or something they want ongoing?
- How do they feel about you having sex with other people?
- What are the boundaries around being with someone? Protection? Sexual history? Ongoing sexual relationship or one-time thing with each person? When the two of you have sex, will you now use condoms if you weren’t before?
- Would you keep this part of your relationship public or private? If you have children together, how might they be impacted?
Step Three: Ask questions to understand your own why/wants:
Now that you understand what your partner wants, what are your thoughts and feelings about an open relationship?
- How will I feel if my partner is going out on a date with someone else?
- How open do I want them to be? Tell me every detail or keep it vague?
- Is it going to be sex only or dating?
- How much money can be spent on this other person (hotel rooms, trips, etc)?
- How much time can be spent with this other person? What’s their communication with them otherwise? Follow on social media? Texting?
- How do I feel about also having sex with other people?
Step Four: Have an Open Dialogue with All the Information
Now it’s time to have an open dialogue with all the information. It’s important to listen to one another and not argue. It’s important to hear one another as you work this through.
Step Five: Make a Decision First on Your Own
Now it’s time for your own soul-searching. Is an open relationship right for you? Here are some more things to consider…
In my experience, you should say “no” to an open relationship when:
Basically, you should say “no” to an open relationship if the only reason you’d say “yes” is out of fear.
- You’re afraid of losing your partner if you say no
- You want to save your relationship
- There are core things wrong/missing and you’re trying this to see if this makes it better
- You’re completely uncomfortable with the idea and say yes anyway
- You feel coerced into this decision
In my experience, you can say “yes” to a healthy open relationship when:
- The relationship is strong with mutual trust and respect. There’s a lot of love and connection.
- You feel confident within the relationship.
- You are completely on board and are making the decision out of love, not fear.
- You and your partner have good communication skills and are able to openly discuss your feelings, needs, and boundaries.
- You and your partner have similar relationship goals
Resources for The Five Steps to Know if an Open Relationship is Right for You
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
How to Listen Without Getting Defensive or Hurt
Being Curious Will Improve All Your Relationships: Here’s How to Do It
