Friendship is one of the most essential yet often overlooked aspects of our well-being. Not only does the research show that friendships keep us mentally healthy, but studies also show they keep us physically healthy. As adults, making and maintaining friendships can feel more complicated than it once did, leaving you feeling disconnected or unsure of how to build meaningful connections. Today, we’ll explore what it truly means to be a good friend, how to create new friendships as an adult, and what makes a friendship healthy and fulfilling. You’ll also learn how to recognize when a friendship is no longer serving you and how to let go with grace and we’ll answer that age-old question, “Can men and women be friends?” Whether you’re looking to strengthen your current friendships, meet new people, or navigate your social anxiety in these situations, you’ll walk away with actionable tools and insights to build the kind of friendships that bring joy, ease, and connection into your life.
10-minute read
Welcome! Get the 7-day Friendship Challenge to take everything you learned today and put it into action. I also have a Masterclass bundle for this episode, which you can buy for $8. All of this is free for the different tiers in my Online Patreon Community, The One Love Collective. But if you have no interest in joining, you can get everything anyway if this is a topic you want to go deep on. I’ll list everything at the very end (and I’ll mention some on the way).
Introduction
In a post-pandemic world where it’s easier and easier to have no contact with people, friendships can feel like a tough hill to climb. Maybe you’re not in the office anymore where it was easy to go out after work for drinks. Or maybe you’re out in the world trying, but it seems like everyone is on their phone, so there’s no opening to strike up a conversation. I know there are obstacles, but investing time and energy into growing your friendships and strengthening your community is absolutely worth it. Not only does the research show that friendships keep us mentally healthy but studies also show they keep us physically healthy. The Mayo Clinic has found that adults with strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems, including depression and high blood pressure.
What Does It Mean to Be a Good Friend?
At its core, friendship is a combination of mutual affection, trust, and support. The research says that a true friend is someone who has these five qualities:
- Offers Emotional Support: They’re there during life’s highs and lows, providing a listening ear and an empathetic heart.
- Engages in Shared Activities: Enjoying common interests strengthens bonds and creates lasting memories.
- Provides Honest Feedback: They offer constructive comments, always aiming for your growth and well-being. You don’t feel criticized or judged.
- Respects Boundaries: Understanding and honoring personal limits is crucial for a balanced relationship.
- Celebrates Successes: A genuine friend rejoices in your achievements without envy or resentment.
When you have all of these elements together, you’ve got a person who can be a true friend. So, what then makes a healthy friendship between the two of you? Obviously, it’s for you to have the five qualities I just mentioned, but there are five more things the research points to that make up a healthy friendship.
What Makes a Healthy Friendship?
The research shows that healthy friendships are characterized by five main things:
- Mutual Respect: Valuing each other’s opinions, feelings, and boundaries.
- Trust: Confidence that shared secrets and vulnerabilities are safe.
- Reciprocity: A balanced give-and-take in support, effort, and communication.
- Positive Influence: Encouraging each other’s personal growth and well-being.
- Conflict Resolution: Addressing disagreements openly and respectfully, leading to strengthened bonds.
Recognizing When a Friendship Is No Longer Serving You
It’s essential to periodically assess the health of your friendships. Once again, the research shows that there are five signs that a friendship may be detrimental.
- Consistent Negativity: The relationship leaves you feeling drained or unhappy more often than uplifted.
- Lack of Support: Your successes are met with indifference or jealousy rather than celebration.
- One-Sided Effort: You find yourself continually initiating contact or support without reciprocation.
- Boundary Violations: Repeated disrespect of your personal limits or values.
- Manipulative Behavior: Experiences of guilt-tripping, dishonesty, or other forms of emotional manipulation.
Letting Go of Unhealthy Friendships in Five Steps
It’s critical to address toxic friendships because the research shows that these relationships can erode self-trust and lead to anxiety and depression. If I’m working with a client and it seems clear they need to give up a particular friendship, I walk them through these five steps:
- Reflect: Assess the relationship’s impact on your mental and emotional health.
- Communicate: If feasible, discuss your feelings with your friend and see if you can foster some mutual understanding. Believe it or not, this works more times than you’d imagine.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you can no longer accept. You can skip this step and go straight to number four. It depends on how badly you want to keep the relationship or if it would be too difficult, given your friendship circle, to avoid saying something.
- Gradual Distance: Reduce interactions over time, allowing the relationship to naturally fade. You don’t need to block or cut people off dramatically. You can have a gentle let go and be even more effective.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and reinforce your decision.
Not sure if one of your friendships should be ended? As part of today’s masterclass bundle, I have an “Am I in a Healthy Relationship? Quiz” you can take to find out.
Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?
The question of whether men and women can maintain platonic friendships has been a topic of debate and research for many years now. These are referred to in the research as cross-sex friendships and they can offer unique perspectives and benefits but, of course, there can also be challenges.
There are three main areas of research when trying to answer this question:
- Perceptions and Expectations: Research indicates that men are more likely to perceive sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships than women, which can lead to differing expectations within the relationship.
- Attraction Dynamics: Attraction in cross-sex friendships is common and can be both a benefit and a burden. While some friendships navigate this attraction successfully, others may experience complications, especially if the attraction is unreciprocated.
- Social and Cultural Factors: Societal norms and personal beliefs can influence the formation and maintenance of cross-sex friendships. For instance, individuals with higher levels of homophobia are less likely to engage in cross-sex friendships, possibly due to fears of appearing too feminine or masculine.
Despite these challenges, many men and women maintain fulfilling platonic relationships. Clear communication and setting boundaries are essential to ensure both parties have aligned expectations.
Challenges in Making Friends as an Adult Around the World
Since you’re listening from all around the world, I did some digging on whether this was a US-based issue or not, and what I found is that making friends as an adult can be challenging no matter where you live.
Research indicates that many Americans find it challenging to make new friends. A study from Colorado State University found that 51% of Americans felt it was difficult to make new friends, and 62% said it was easier to make friends at another time in their life
In Australia, the difficulty of making friends as an adult is also a common sentiment. Many Australians maintain strong bonds with friends from high school or university, making it challenging for newcomers or those seeking new connections to integrate into established social circles. In one article I read, someone said that breaking into these tight-knit groups often requires dating someone within the circle.
While specific studies on adult friendship formation in the UK are limited, the challenges appear similar. What I did find highlighted that striking up friendships can be tricky, with millions experiencing loneliness.
In Canada, the phenomenon termed the “friendship recession” indicates a decline in the number of close friends people have. This trend is associated with increased feelings of loneliness and social isolation among adults. Factors contributing to this include urban planning that limits communal spaces and the rise of technology, reducing face-to-face interactions.
In Japan, making friends as an adult can be particularly challenging due to cultural norms that emphasize group cohesion and established social circles. Many Japanese people form deep bonds during their school years, and these relationships often persist into adulthood, making it difficult for newcomers to integrate. The concept of hikikomori, referring to individuals who withdraw from social life, highlights the extreme end of social isolation prevalent in Japanese society.
Similarly, South Korea experiences its own set of challenges regarding adult friendships. The rise of the honjok phenomenon, where individuals prefer solitary activities, reflects a growing trend of social isolation. This shift is partly attributed to the country’s competitive environment, leading many to prioritize personal success over social connections.
So why does it seem so hard to make new friends as an adult? No matter where you’re from, there are several shared factors to think about:
- Time Constraints: Balancing work, family, and other responsibilities often leaves limited time for socializing.
- Established Social Circles: Many adults already have established friend groups, making it harder to integrate into new circles.
- Decreased Social Opportunities: Unlike school or college, adult life may offer fewer natural environments to meet new people.
- Fear of Rejection: Past experiences or insecurities can make individuals hesitant to initiate new friendships.
Six Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
Forming new friendships in adulthood can be daunting, but it’s entirely achievable with some specific, intentional effort. The research shows that engaging in or utilizing any of the following will help:
- Find Shared Interests: Join clubs, classes, or groups that align with your hobbies. Shared activities naturally facilitate connection.
- Leverage Existing Networks: Attend social gatherings or events within your current circles to meet new people.
- Volunteer: Participating in community service introduces you to like-minded individuals committed to similar causes.
- Be Open and Approachable: Displaying openness through body language and initiating conversations can break the ice.
- Utilize Professional Networks: Colleagues can transition into friends, especially when you find common ground beyond work topics
- Use Technology: Friendship apps and online communities can be valuable tools for meeting new people.
And as part of the Masterclass bundle for today’s episode, I have a list of 50 Ways to Meet New People as an Adult!
Strategies for Individuals with Social Anxiety
Lastly, I wanted to talk a little about the issue of social anxiety and forming new friendships. Social anxiety, of course, can make this process of making and maintaining friendships even harder. However, several strategies can help:
- Challenge Negative Thoughts: Recognize that negative thoughts about social interactions are often unfounded. Techniques from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) are perfect for reframing these thoughts.
- Gradual Exposure: Start with small social interactions and gradually increase exposure to more challenging social situations. This approach can build confidence over time.
- Leverage Technology Wisely: While online interactions shouldn’t replace face-to-face connections, they can serve as a less intimidating starting point for building relationships.
- Join Structured Groups: Participating in groups with a shared focus, such as classes or volunteer organizations, can provide a structured environment conducive to forming connections.
- Seek Professional Help: Therapy, especially CBT, has proven effective in managing social anxiety and improving social skills.
As part of the Masterclass bundle I’m offering today, you can get my list of Social Anxiety Conversation Starters and a Social Anxiety Exposure Challenge.
For the One Love Collective Community
Tier I
- 50 Ways to Meet New People as an Adult
- Am I in a Healthy Relationship Quiz
- Friendship Journaling Prompts
Tier II
- Social Anxiety Conversation Starters
- Social Anxiety Exposure Challenge
Tier III
- Checklist for Making New Friends as an Adult
- Friendship Audit Worksheet
- Friendship Worksheet: Diving Deeper into the Why
Get all of this PLUS the episode ad-free for just $8. Click here to buy the bundle.
Resources for The Science of Friendship: How to Build, Keep, and Let Go of Friends as an Adult
Buy the bundle for this episode!
How to Stop Overthinking and Let Things Go That Bother You
References:
- Hall, J.A. (2023). The Science of Friendship: What Makes Friendships Last? American Psychological Association.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B., & Layton, J.B. (2022). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine.
- Fehr, B. (2021). Friendship Processes. SAGE Publications.
- Mendelsohn, G. (2020). The importance of boundaries in adult friendships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Helliwell, J., & Wang, S. (2019). How’s Life? Measuring Well-being through Friendship. OECD Publishing.
- Dunbar, R. (2021). Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships. Little, Brown Spark.
- Mayo Clinic. (2023). Adult Friendships and Health Outcomes: The Power of Social Connections.
- American Psychological Association. (2022). Friendship in Adulthood: Psychological Insights and Challenges.
- Cacioppo, J., & Cacioppo, S. (2023). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.W. Norton & Company.
- (2022). How to Spot and End Toxic Friendships.
- Time Magazine. (2023). When Friendships Turn Toxic: The Psychological Toll of a Bad Friend.
Abrams, Z. (2023, June 1). The science of friendship. Monitor on Psychology, 54(4).
Raypole, Crystal. Beware the One-Sided Friendship, Healthline, October 24, 2023
How hard is it to make friends past 30 in Australia? Reddit Australia
