Are you constantly saying “sorry” at work even when you haven’t done anything wrong? You apologize for speaking up in meetings, for sending a second email, or for simply existing in someone’s path. What feels like being polite or humble might actually be undermining your authority, confidence, and even career growth. Today, we’re digging into why over-apologizing happens (especially for women and people socialized to keep the peace), what the research says, and exactly what to say instead so you sound confident and kind, not cold or arrogant.
5-minute read
Introduction
- You bump into someone in the hallway: “Sorry!”
- You start a meeting a minute late: “Sorry, I’m behind.”
- You ask a clarifying question during a presentation: “Sorry if this is a dumb question, but…”
Let’s pause right there. Because what you’re doing might feel like being polite, but you could actually be apologizing your power away.
Why Over-Apologizing Happens: It’s Not Just a Personality Quirk
At its core, over-apologizing is a form of self-protection. For many people, especially women, neurodivergent professionals, and those from underrepresented groups, saying “sorry” becomes a social lubricant to avoid conflict, soften their presence, or signal submission in a power structure. It’s the verbal equivalent of a white flag.
Research shows that women tend to apologize more frequently than men, not because they’re inherently more remorseful, but because they perceive more behavior as offensive and therefore apology-worthy. One study found that both men and women apologize at similar rates when they believe they’ve committed an offense, but women simply interpret more situations as needing an apology.
This isn’t about being weak. It’s about how we’ve been socialized. Women are often taught to prioritize harmony and avoid being perceived as “difficult,” “bossy,” or “too much”. Over-apologizing becomes a survival strategy, especially in male-dominated environments or toxic work cultures that penalize directness.
And then there’s impostor syndrome. If you constantly feel like you’re about to be found out as a fraud, it makes sense (and the research backs me up on this) that you’d default to apologizing for speaking, existing, or taking up space.
But here’s the problem.
The Hidden Cost of All Those “Sorrys”
Excessive apologizing doesn’t just make you look less confident; it can erode how others see your credibility and competence over time. In a 2023 review on workplace communication, researchers found that frequent self-deprecating language, like habitual apologizing, can reinforce perceptions of low status, especially in leadership roles.
Even worse? You start to believe it. What you say reinforces what you feel. If you say “sorry” ten times a day, your brain keeps tally. It internalizes that you must be doing something wrong… even when you’re not!
Studies have also found that language choice can influence power dynamics. Apologetic and hedging language often leads to reduced perceptions of leadership potential and assertiveness, particularly when used by women and Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) professionals.
So what do you do instead?
5 Steps to Break the “Sorry” Habit Without Seeming Cold or Rude
You’re not trying to become some stone-faced corporate robot who never shows warmth. You’re just trying to speak with intention and let go of guilt that doesn’t belong to you. Here are my five steps to make that happen.
Step 1: Track and Reflect
Spend one day (or one Zoom-filled afternoon) tracking every time you say “sorry.” Then reflect:
- Was there actual harm or wrongdoing?
- Would I expect someone else to apologize in that situation?
- What emotion was I trying to manage? Was it fear, anxiety, discomfort? Something else?
Be honest. This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness.
Step 2: Swap “Sorry” with Assertive Alternatives
If you’re using “sorry” as a reflex, it’s time to rewire. Try these swaps:
- Instead of: “Sorry I’m late.”
Try: “Thanks for your patience.” - Instead of: “Sorry to bother you.”
Try: “Is now a good time?” - Instead of: “Sorry for the delay.”
Try: “I appreciate your flexibility.”
Why do these work? Because they reframe from guilt to gratitude, which research shows leads to more positive perceptions and doesn’t diminish your status.
Step 3: Pause and Breathe
That awkward silence you’re trying to fill with “sorry”? Let it live. People with high emotional intelligence tolerate silence. They don’t rush to apologize for being human. Practice breathing through those moments and letting your words stand alone. It’s powerful.
If this is hard for you, I want to highly recommend downloading my free Mindfulness Starter Kit.
Step 4: Practice Assertive Communication Scripts
Here’s a research-backed formula for assertiveness:
Describe the situation + State your need/request + Say thank you
Let me give you some examples:
- “I wanted to clarify something about the meeting notes. Can we review the deadline together? Thanks for your time.”
- “During yesterday’s client call, a few of my points didn’t make it into the summary. Could we add them before the final version goes out? Thanks for making the update.”
- “I noticed we’ve been starting the team huddles a bit late. Can we aim to kick off right at 9 so we can wrap on time? Thanks for helping keep us on track.”
- Getting specific. Here’s a Manager to Direct Report Example: “I noticed the report was submitted without the updated numbers. Please double-check and resend with the corrections today. Thanks for getting it back quickly.”
- Or here’s a Peer-to-Peer Example: “I saw your name wasn’t included on the shared project folder. Can we make sure you’re added so you have access to the latest files? Thanks for taking care of it.”
All of these examples avoid hedging or apologizing for your need. You’re being direct and respectful.
You also might want to check out the full episode I did on the Relationships Made Easy podcast about how to be an assertive and effective communicator.
Step 5: Know When an Apology Is Actually Needed
Let’s be clear: genuine apologies matter. Research shows that a sincere, timely apology helps restore trust, especially when it includes acknowledgment of harm and a plan for change.
So don’t cut out all apologies. Just reserve them for when something actually went wrong and when you truly mean it.
Wrap Up
Apologies are tools, not punctuation marks. You can be warm, kind, and thoughtful without diluting your authority. By speaking with intention instead of reflex, you’re not just helping others take you seriously, you’re helping yourself believe in your own worth.
Put Today’s Lesson into Action
I already mentioned downloading the Mindfulness Starter Kit, but I also have a great tool for you today. I’m calling it The Apology Detox Toolkit: 10 Phrases to Use Instead of ‘Sorry’ at Work. As always, you can download anything or check out all the research and links by looking below the video if you’re on YouTube or going to abbymedcalf.com/episodes.
Resources for Why You Apologize Too Much at Work and What to Do Instead
The Five Ways Imposter Syndrome is Hurting All Your Relationships
