You break up with someone and suddenly, every memory is framed as proof that they never really cared. You get into an argument with your mom, and you leave convinced, once again, that she just doesn’t get you. You walk into a work meeting with the story that your boss doesn’t respect you, and now every glance or tone of voice becomes more “evidence.” Sound familiar? That’s confirmation bias, and it’s working hand-in-hand with a set of mental strategies called defense mechanisms. Together, they keep you feeling justified and self-protected. But they also keep you stuck and locked inside the same limiting beliefs about yourself and everyone around you. Today I’ll explain what confirmation bias really is, how your defense mechanisms support it, and my top five research-backed steps to interrupt your confirmation bias so you can create connected, joyful relationships.
9-minute read
What Is Confirmation Bias?
Confirmation bias is a cognitive distortion where we favor information that confirms our existing beliefs, expectations, or assumptions while ignoring, minimizing, or explaining away contradictory evidence.
In psychological terms, confirmation bias is considered a type of motivated reasoning, where our perception and memory are shaped by internal desires rather than objective logic. Basically, it’ll lead you to give greater weight to something that supports your beliefs and to discount or overlook anything that challenges those beliefs.
Your confirmation bias operates on three levels:
- Selective attention (we notice confirming evidence),
- Selective interpretation (we interpret ambiguous information in a way that supports our beliefs) and
- Selective memory (we recall details that fit our narrative more easily than those that contradict it).
The big problem is that you’re not aware you’re doing it. You think you’re seeing evidence to support your beliefs, but your beliefs are making you see certain evidence and not see other facts.
Why It Happens: The Neuroscience of Being “Right”
Confirmation bias isn’t just a thinking error; it’s deeply tied to how your brain is wired. It happens for three primary reasons:
- Cognitive efficiency
Your brain is a prediction machine. Processing every piece of information neutrally takes time and energy, so it builds shortcuts to conserve effort. Once you have a belief about something (your partner is selfish, your boss doesn’t value you, you’re not good at relationships), your brain starts scanning for information that reinforces that belief. It becomes easier and faster to keep that story alive than to re-evaluate it.
This “shortcut” process is largely handled by the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in decision-making and complex reasoning. But when you’re under emotional stress, the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) can hijack rational thinking and further entrench your biases. This creates a feedback loop: emotion fuels belief, belief distorts perception, perception justifies emotion.
- Emotional safety
Believing something is certain, even if it’s painful, can feel safer than facing uncertainty. Your brain is always trying to reduce ambiguity. If you believe people always leave or that you’re unlovable, your brain might prefer the discomfort of that belief to the vulnerability of hoping for something better and being disappointed. Studies have shown that confirmation bias is stronger when beliefs are tied to personal identity or deeply held emotions. The more invested you are in being right, the harder it is for your brain to let in contradictory evidence.
- Reward chemistry
Being “right” feels good. It triggers the brain’s dopaminergic reward pathways, particularly in the ventral striatum. An amazing fMRI study from Kaplan, Gimbel, and Harris at USC found that people’s reward centers lit up when they encountered information that confirmed their political beliefs, suggesting that confirmation bias is not just cognitive but pleasurable.
So when your brain locks in on a belief, it literally rewards you for keeping it, regardless of whether it’s accurate or helpful.
How Defense Mechanisms Reinforce Confirmation Bias
Defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies the psyche uses to protect us from emotional pain, conflict, or unacceptable impulses. Sigmund Freud originally introduced these concepts, but they’ve since been expanded in modern psychology.
When confirmation bias is running the cognitive show, these defense mechanisms play a supporting role, helping us hold onto distorted beliefs by shielding us from discomfort, guilt, or vulnerability. I did an entire episode on defense mechanisms and everything you need to know, but let’s hit some of the more popular ones right now.
I’ve also created a great giveaway for today. It’s a Quiz: What’s Your Go-To Defense Mechanism?
Denial: Denial is the refusal to accept reality or facts, thereby blocking external events from awareness. You don’t believe the relationship is over. You ignore that your child is struggling with anxiety. You minimize a friend’s toxic behavior. When denial pairs with confirmation bias, you interpret all neutral or negative evidence in a way that reassures you nothing is wrong. It’s a short-term coping mechanism that reduces psychological distress in a moment but ultimately delays any kind of adaptive problem-solving.
Projection: Projection happens when you attribute your own unacceptable feelings or thoughts to someone else. If you’re feeling insecure in your parenting, you might accuse your partner of being critical, even when they’re not. Or if you’re angry at a parent but don’t want to admit it, you may interpret them as angry or controlling. Confirmation bias then helps you “spot” the signs that prove your story.
Rationalization: This happens when you offer logical-sounding explanations to justify unacceptable behavior or feelings. You lash out at your teen but tell yourself it was because they “weren’t listening” or “needed a wake-up call.” Rationalization allows you to maintain your image of being a reasonable, loving person, while confirmation bias filters in only the evidence that supports that justification.
Minimization happens when you downplay the significance of an event or emotion to protect the self from psychological discomfort. You tell yourself it’s “not a big deal” that your sibling never checks in. Or you dismiss your partner’s withdrawal by saying, “Everyone gets tired.” Your confirmation bias will then ignore or underplay emotional data that might signal a deeper problem.
How This Shows Up in Different Relationships
Romantic Partners
If you believe your partner is emotionally unavailable, you’ll focus on every moment they don’t ask how your day went, while ignoring the times they cook you dinner or initiate affection. Your confirmation bias selects only the evidence that supports your narrative. Meanwhile, defense mechanisms like projection (accusing them of “never trying”) or denial (pretending you’re not hurt) kick in to avoid confrontation or vulnerability.
Now’s the time I want to mention that there’s also something called your Reticular Activating System (or RAS for short) that plays an active biological role, reinforcing confirmation bias. It’s important to understand how your RAS works alongside your confirmation bias.
Friendships
If you believe that “people always abandon you,” you might behave anxiously or pull away preemptively, which subtly pushes your friends away. When they respond by creating distance, your belief gets confirmed. You might rationalize their silence (“They were never that good of a friend anyway”) or deny that you’re upset.
Family Dynamics (Parents and Siblings)
If you’ve always seen your parent as critical, you’ll tune in to every raised eyebrow or unsolicited opinion, while ignoring gestures of love or support. Projection is common in these relationships; we accuse our parents of judging us when we’re judging ourselves. Sibling relationships also get tangled in old childhood narratives. If you see your brother as selfish, every miscommunication becomes more “evidence,” even if his actions were unintentional.
Parenting Your Kids
Confirmation bias can cause you to misread your child’s behavior through a distorted lens. If you believe your child is lazy, you may miss signs of anxiety or executive functioning issues. You may minimize their struggles (“They’re just being dramatic”) or rationalize your reaction (“They need to learn tough love”), rather than exploring what’s truly going on.
Five Research-Backed Steps to Interrupt Confirmation Bias and Lower Your Defenses
1. Practice Mindfulness and Cognitive Self-Awareness
You had to know that there was no way we’d be discussing how to shift confirmation bias without talking about the need to be mindful and work on your blind spots and self-awareness! Start by noticing when you’re repeating a story in your head. This might sound like, “They always ignore me,” or “I’m not cut out for relationships.” Ask yourself: What belief am I trying to confirm right now? In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), this process is called cognitive monitoring, a skill the research shows that reduces cognitive distortions and emotional reactivity
2. Seek Disconfirming Evidence…On Purpose
Make it a regular practice to look for examples that contradict your belief. If you think your partner never shows affection, write down five recent acts of kindness. This rewires your brain’s tendency toward negativity and builds cognitive flexibility, a trait linked with emotional resilience and problem-solving. According to research, this kind of cognitive reappraisal or intentionally shifting your focus in this way, activates the prefrontal cortex and dampens emotional reactivity in the amygdala.
3. Replace Judgment with Curiosity
Ask yourself open-ended questions instead of declarative statements. Instead of “They’re so distant,” try, “What might be going on for them right now?” Curiosity creates a pause in the automatic cycle and opens the door for empathy. This aligns with practices in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), which encourages approaching thoughts with openness rather than certainty. There’s an abundance of research saying this is the path to freeing yourself from depression, anxiety, and emotional distress.
4. Learn Your Go-To Defense Mechanism
Notice how you typically respond when emotionally threatened. Are you a minimizer, a rationalizer, a projector? When you name your patterns, you begin to create distance from them, what we psychologists call meta-cognition or the ability to think about your thinking. Once you recognize, “Oh, I’m rationalizing again,” you can ask a new question: What feeling am I avoiding right now?
5. Get a Thought Partner, Not a Cheerleader
Talk to someone who won’t just confirm your bias, but who can gently challenge it. This could be a therapist, coach, or wise friend who helps you expand your lens. Research consistently shows that reflective dialogue improves emotional regulation and reduces biased thinking.
Wrap Up
Your brain’s job is to protect you, but sometimes, it does that by keeping you locked in old stories. Confirmation bias and defense mechanisms are normal, human, and even necessary at times. But if you’re always reinforcing the same painful belief, it may be time to trade certainty for curiosity. Let your new default be: What else could be true? That question might be the opening you and your nervous system needs to breathe, connect, and grow.
For the One Love Collective Community
Tier I
- Guided Visualization
- Journaling Prompts
- Quick Reference Guide: Common Confirmation Bias Patterns in Different Relationships (and What Else Might Be True)
Tier II
- Five-Minute Reframe Practice: Mini Script Exercise
- Bias Tracker Worksheet: A 7-Day Practice
- Boundary Booster Worksheet
Tier III
- Relationship Reflection Worksheet: Rewriting the Narrative
- Self-Compassion Script: When You Realize You’ve Been Wrong
- Confirmation Bias 5-Day Detox Challenge
Get all the above for only $8! Buy the bundle for this episode now.
Resources for Why You Keep Proving Yourself Right (Even When You’re Miserable): The Psychology of Confirmation Bias and Defense Mechanisms
Join Abby’s One Love Collective Community on Patreon!
Get all the resources for this episode (10 total!) for just $8. Buy the bundle on Patreon.
What You Need to Know About Defense Mechanisms
Three Tips for Effective Communication in Every Relationship
Emotional Healing Techniques: Mastering Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance/Compassion
How to Identify Your Relationship Blind Spots
The Four Reasons Self-Awareness is the Most Important Thing in Your Relationship
