You know the relationship isn’t healthy. Your friends see it. You feel it. So why can’t you let go?
Maybe you’ve said something like:
- “They’re not perfect, but we have a deep connection.”
- “When it’s good, it’s really good.”
- “I know I should leave, but I just can’t.”
Today we’re diving deep into the neuroscience of trauma bonding: why your brain gets hooked on the highs and lows, what it’s trying to protect you from, and how to break free from cycles that feel like love but aren’t.
7-minute read
Before we begin, I want to mention that I did an episode way back in Season 5 on trauma bonding that’s very different from this one. In that one, I taught the seven stages of trauma bonding and gave other tips for healing. So, if this topic resonates, definitely go back and check that one out.
What Trauma Bonding Really Is
The term “trauma bonding” was first coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes in 1997 to describe the unhealthy attachment survivors often feel toward their abusers. This isn’t about shared trauma (where two people bond over similar painful experiences). This is about being bonded to the person who is causing harm, and not being able to walk away.
But here’s the twist: this kind of bond doesn’t just happen in relationships marked by overt abuse. It can also happen in relationships that are subtly, consistently unhealthy. That hot-and-cold dynamic? That emotional whiplash? That feeling of addiction to the connection, even when it hurts? That can be trauma bonding too.
I’ve got a great giveaway for today’s episode: It’s a Self-Assessment Quiz: Is it Love or Trauma Bonding, so you can assess where your relationship stands if you’re not sure (or assess a previous one you’ve been in). And I’m also going to give you a couple of examples of trauma bonding I’ve run into in my private practice (names have been changed to protect privacy, of course), so you can, again, help identify where you might be in certain relationships. I also highly suggest taking the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) Quiz and learn what your score on that might mean.
Example 1: Romantic Relationship Sarah, a high-achieving executive, is in a relationship with James, who alternates between affection and withdrawal. One day he’s loving, planning trips and complimenting her; the next, he ignores her texts for hours or criticizes her for being “too sensitive.” When she tries to set boundaries, he apologizes dramatically and showers her with attention. Sarah knows the relationship isn’t healthy, but she constantly hopes the “good version” of James will return. Her brain is chasing the intermittent reward, and the chaos feels familiar from her childhood with an unpredictable parent.
Example 2: Family Relationship Mark has a complicated relationship with his mother. She frequently belittles his choices, uses guilt to control him, and compares him to more “successful” family members. But in between, she sends him loving texts and says how proud she is of him. Mark feels obligated to take her calls even when they leave him drained. He worries that setting boundaries will make him a “bad son.” This push-pull dynamic mirrors the way she parented him growing up, and now his nervous system interprets the anxiety as connection.
The Brain Chemistry Behind the Bond
If you’ve ever felt like you were addicted to a person, you’re not far off. Trauma bonding involves brain chemicals that are also involved in actual addiction.
Dopamine is the feel-good neurotransmitter that spikes during moments of pleasure and reward. But when rewards are inconsistent (a compliment here, affection there), it creates what researchers call a reward prediction error. This is a key part of addiction. Your brain gets hooked not on the reward itself, but on the possibility of a reward. That intermittent reinforcement makes you try harder, not walk away. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone released during physical touch and emotional intimacy. Even in toxic relationships, it cements connection which is why leaving someone who harms you can feel like withdrawal.
Cortisol and adrenaline are released in stressful moments. Over time, your nervous system becomes dysregulated. You’re in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze, and ironically, your body starts to mistake that chaos for connection.
Your brain doesn’t bond to what’s healthy. It bonds to what’s familiar.
Attachment Meets Addiction
When insecure attachment patterns (like avoidant or anxious attachment) meet the neurochemistry of addiction, you get trauma bonding.
Let’s say your childhood relationships were marked by unpredictability, withdrawal of love, or inconsistent caregiving. As a child, your brain made neural associations between love and emotional pain. These pathways don’t disappear when you grow up. They get reactivated in adult relationships, especially ones that mimic that early dynamic.
This is why we often repeat patterns even when we “know better.” You’re not broken. You’re neurologically looping through old survival strategies.
Signs You’re Trauma Bonded
- You feel euphoric when they finally give you affection or attention
- You minimize or justify their bad behavior
- You feel addicted to the relationship, even if it’s mostly painful
- You question if you’re the problem
- You experience extreme highs and lows
- You feel unsafe, but also unable to leave
A huge red flag? If you’ve been Googling: “Is my relationship toxic?” you already know the answer.
If you’re still not sure, ask yourself this one question: “Why am I attracted to this person and relationship?” I want you to take a moment, without thinking too hard, and write down your answers.
When someone is in a trauma bonding situation, I find that they answer with something like:
- There’s just something about them
- We’ve always had this strong connection or right from the start we had this amazing connection
- I love their confidence
- I just feel good around them
- When it’s good, we can talk about anything, for hours
- It’s just special
- I know I’ll never find someone like this again or I’ve never felt this way around anyone else (or any other scarcity statement)
These answers always terrify me! Because none of them are examples of what it takes to make a healthy relationship. I want your answers to be:
- They’re the most empathetic person I know
- They always have my back in every situation
- Our communication is always strong, even when we disagree
- They’re kind, thoughtful, compassionate, honest, consistent, trustworthy, reliable
- I always know they’re thinking of what I need as they’re managing their own needs and wants
- We always work as a team
- They ask me about my day/life and care about my answers
- They ask great questions to help me think about my day/life
- They’re always trying to make my life better
- They prioritize me and our relationship
The Healing Starts with the Brain
Step 1: Name What’s Happening
This isn’t weakness. It’s trauma chemistry. Naming it gives you power. This is not just an unhealthy relationship, it’s a survival response baked into your nervous system.
Step 2: Regulate Your Nervous System
You can’t think your way out of trauma bonding. You have to feel your way through it and calm your body first.
Try:
- Breathwork (especially box breathing)
- Cold exposure (splashing cold water on your face, cold showers)
- Bilateral movement (walking, tapping)
- Journaling what you’re feeling before you reach out to them
Step 3: Replace the Pattern, Not Just the Person
If you jump from one toxic relationship to the next, nothing changes. You have to create a new emotional baseline, one that values peace over intensity. Start cultivating calm, secure relationships. Let healthy feel boring at first. That’s your nervous system detoxing.
Step 4: Get Help
Trauma bonding can’t usually be healed in isolation. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist using EMDR, IFS, or somatic approaches. Support groups and honest friendships help too. And above all: Focus on yourself, not fixing the relationship.
Wrap Up
If any part of this resonated, please know this: you’re not crazy, weak, or broken. You’re human. You’re wired to bond. And with awareness, support, and practice, you can rewire those bonds to serve, not sabotage you. It’s not about having no trauma. It’s about no longer letting that trauma choose your partners.
Therapy-to-Go Bundle
- Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? A Self-Assessment Quiz and Reflection Guide
- 10 Boundary Scripts to Keep You Grounded
- How to Talk to a Friend About Trauma Bonding: A Guide for Opening Up
- A Letter from the You Who’s Already Healed: Future Self Reflection
- Journaling Prompts
- Nervous System Reset
- Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? A Quick Clarity Checklist
- What to Say to Yourself When You Want to Go Back: Self-Compassion Scripts
- Understanding the Stages of Trauma Bonding
Buy the bundle now for $10 and get all the above. OR join Abby’s One Love Collective for only $8/month, and get a Therapy-to-Go Bundle for each episode, plus ad-free episodes of the podcast, live Q&A’s with Dr. Abby, and access to an amazing community that’s all about real growth.
Resources for Why You Stay: The Brain Science of Trauma Bonding and How to Break Free
Join Abby’s One Love Collective on Substack!
Buy the bundle for this episode
Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? A Self-Assessment Quiz and Reflection Guide
How to Heal Yourself Emotionally: Mastering Self-Regulation for a Happier Life
The Secret to Managing Your Emotions: A Step-by-Step Guide
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships
How Your Attachment Style Affects You at Work
Seven Powerful Techniques to Breathe Yourself to Calm
How to Move Past the Dysfunction or Trauma of Unhealthy Parenting
Are You Trauma Bonding in Your Relationships and Don’t Realize It
How Childhood Trauma Affects Relationships
Your People-Pleasing Might Be A Trauma Response
You Might Not Realize You’re Suffering from Unhealed Trauma
Moving On After a Divorce or Breakup
Starecheski, Laura (2015) Take the ACE Quiz—And Learn What It Does and Doesn’t Mean
References
Carnes, P. (1997). Trauma Bonds: Why People Bond to Those Who Hurt Them.
