Why We’re So Afraid to Be Alone (and the Five Steps to Feel at Ease with Yourself) (Podcast Episode 337)

We talk a lot about loneliness these days, but we don’t talk enough about why being alone triggers such deep fear for so many of us. Is it just about relationships? Or is there something deeper, hard-wired into our biology and psychology? Spoiler: it’s both. And understanding the roots of this fear is the first step to changing it. If you’ve ever felt that pit in your stomach at the thought of an empty weekend, or stayed in a relationship far too long just to avoid solitude, you know exactly what I mean. The fear of being alone is deeply human. While part of it is hard-wired for survival, much of it is learned and reinforced by the world around us. The good news? Once we understand the roots of this fear, we can start to unlearn it, and even come to appreciate alone time as a source of strength, not weakness. Today we’ll discuss the biology, the psychology, and my top five research-backed action steps to reduce your fear of being alone.

Click here to read the full blog and show notes!

For the One Love Collective Community

Tier I:

• Journaling Prompts
• Myth Busting List
• Mindful Solo Activity List

Tier II:

• Reflection Checklist: “Am I Avoiding Solitude?”
• Guided Reflection: Future Self Letter
• Are You Avoiding Alone Time? Quiz

Tier III:

• Comfort with Solitude Progress Tracker
• Self-Compassion Mantras
• 7-Day Solo Comfort Challenge

Grab all the above for just $8! Get the bundle now.

Resources for Why We’re So Afraid to Be Alone (and the Five Steps to Feel at Ease with Yourself)

Focus on Self-Love, Not Self-Compassion

The Secret to Managing Your Emotions: A Step-by-Step Guide

How to Heal Yourself Emotionally: Mastering Self-Regulation for a Happier Life

Mindfulness Starter Kit

Meditation Starter Kit

How Your Attachment Style Affects You at Work

Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships

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Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. The Guilford Press.

DePaulo, Bella & Morris, Wendy. (2005). Singles in society and science. Psychological Inquiry – PSYCHOL INQ. 16. 10.1207/s15327965pli162&3_01.

Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness Matters: A Theoretical and Empirical Review of Consequences and Mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine : A Publication of the Society of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8

Long, C. R., Seburn, M., Averill, J. R., & More, T. A. (2003). Solitude experiences: Varieties, settings, and individual differences. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(5), 578–583. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167203029005003

Leary, Mark & Herbst, Kenneth & McCrary, Felicia. (2003). Finding pleasure in solitary activities: Desire for aloneness or disinterest in social contact?. Personality and Individual Differences. 35. 59-68. 10.1016/S0191-8869(02)00141-1.

Nguyen TT, Ryan RM, Deci EL. Solitude as an Approach to Affective Self-Regulation. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2018 Jan;44(1):92-106. doi: 10.1177/0146167217733073. Epub 2017 Oct 26. PMID: 29072531.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.

Greenblatt, Alan. Loneliness Epidemic, CQ Researcher, May 5, 2023 – Volume 33, Issue 16

Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2006). Gender Differences in Caregiver Stressors, Social Resources, and Health: An Updated Meta-Analysis. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 61(1), P33-P45. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/61.1.P33

Pollmann-Schult, M. (2014). Parenthood and Life Satisfaction: Why Don’t Children Make People Happy? Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 319-336. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12095

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034628

Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., Brown, C. L., & Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. Science, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830

Nguyen TT, Ryan RM, Deci EL. Solitude as an Approach to Affective Self-Regulation. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2018 Jan;44(1):92-106. doi: 10.1177/0146167217733073. Epub 2017 Oct 26. PMID: 29072531.

Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The Efficacy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A Review of Meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), 427. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Psychotherapy by Reciprocal Inhibition by Joseph Wolpe

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