Fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are certainly similar, but they hold some important differences. In fact, what you do to heal your fear of rejection, is not necessarily what you do to heal your fear of abandonment. Although they’re closely related, they’re still distinct emotional experiences and they show up differently in your relationships, your self-perception, and in your coping mechanisms. Today you’ll learn all about the differences and how to apply specific tools for each so you can heal and find a healthy balance in all your relationships.
8-minute read
Introduction
You’ve probably felt both at some point: the sting of rejection and the panic of abandonment. While they’re often confused, these fears manifest differently and require different healing approaches.
Let’s talk first about how they differ.
- Fear of rejection is about feeling not good enough and being turned away for who you are. It’s often tied to self-worth and a belief that you are inherently flawed or unlovable.
- Fear of abandonment is about being left behind and the emotional devastation that follows. It’s tied to security and attachment, often stemming from a fear of being alone or unsupported.
How They Show Up in Relationships
Fear of Rejection
If you have a fear of rejection, anchored in a lowered self-esteem that somehow feels (at your core) like you’re inherently unlovable, then you might:
- Never/rarely express your true thoughts/feelings (this helps you avoid disapproval).
- People-please or fawn in efforts to be liked and accepted (even when it drains you).
- Hesitate to initiate relationships or ask for what you need once you’re in them.
- Feel shame when you’re criticized or excluded (or even when simply getting feedback of any kind – a deep embarrassment or shame floods your system). You struggle to separate feedback from self-worth.
- Withdraw or reject others first to avoid being rejected (so there might be a lot of self-sabotage in your life when it comes to your relationships).
- Avoid situations where you could be judged (public speaking, dating, social events).
- Constantly seek validation and feel anxious without external approval.
Fear of Abandonment
If you have a fear of abandonment, which is anchored in your insecure attachment, you might:
- Become anxious when you perceive someone pulling away, because you’re afraid they’ll leave permanently. This means if your partner or a friend has other things going on so is distracted, you’ll become highly anxious and need constant reassurance. Maybe you’re the one always asking, “Are you mad at me?”
- Cling to relationships, even unhealthy or toxic ones, to avoid loneliness.
- Overcompensate by being overly available, accommodating, or needy.
- Feel panic or despair when you think you’re being ignored or left out. Again, you likely see this everywhere even though it’s not really what’s happening or possibly it’s only happening because your neediness becomes too much for others. So, you might get anxious when someone takes longer than usual to text back.
- Over-invest or overextend in relationships to keep people from leaving. You likely have a very difficult time feeling calm if others aren’t “right there.”
- Struggle with separation anxiety, even in minor ways.
How They Impact Self-Perception
How you see yourself (aka: your self-perception) is also different depending on where you fit. If you have a predominant fear of rejection, you might think (consciously or subconsciously), “I’m unworthy of love and acceptance.” If you have a predominant fear of abandonment, you might think, “I’m alone, and I’ll always be left behind.”
People with a fear of rejection often struggle with self-esteem issues and internalize rejection as proof they aren’t good enough. Meanwhile, people with a fear of abandonment struggle with emotional security and see abandonment as proof that they are fundamentally unlovable or will always end up alone.
Common Coping Mechanisms
| Fear of Rejection | Fear of Abandonment |
| Avoids risks, relationships, or expressing needs | Overcompensates by being overly accommodating or self-sacrificing |
| Seeks external validation (e.g., approval, praise) | Becomes anxious when relationships feel distant or uncertain |
| Perfectionism to avoid judgment | Codependency or excessive reliance on others for emotional security or fawning |
| Withdraws or rejects first to avoid being rejected | Clings to people and may tolerate mistreatment to avoid being left |
| May isolate after perceived rejection | May engage in constant reassurance-seeking behaviors |
Where They Overlap
- Both fears can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and emotional distress in relationships.
- They both often stem from early childhood experiences, such as emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, parents with dysfunctional styles, or past trauma.
- Both fears can result in self-sabotage, either by pushing people away (fear of rejection) or holding on too tightly (fear of abandonment).
If you resonate with both, that’s normal! These fears overlap, but here’s a quick way to distinguish them:
| Fear of Rejection | Fear of Abandonment |
| “I’m not good enough.” | “People will leave me.” |
| Avoids putting themselves out there | Overextends to keep people close |
| Struggles with self-worth | Struggles with emotional security |
| Withdraws to avoid rejection | Clings to avoid being alone |
| Feels shame after rejection | Feels panic when relationships feel distant |
If you shrink away from opportunities, it’s likely fear of rejection.
If you feel anxious when someone pulls away, it’s likely fear of abandonment.
Healing Differences
- Healing from fear of rejection involves building self-worth, learning that rejection isn’t a reflection of personal failure, and practicing self-acceptance.
- Healing from fear of abandonment involves creating emotional security, understanding that being alone doesn’t mean being unloved, and developing healthy attachments rather than anxious or avoidant ones.
In my One Love Collective Online Patreon Community I’m offering deeper journal prompts, healing exercises and more to help you heal your fears of rejection and/or abandonment for good. If you’re interested in having access to them, you can either join the One Love Collective (and get loads of other goodies, including live access to me) or, if you don’t want to make a commitment to the group, you can also buy the bundle of extras for $8. At the very end of today’s episode, I’ll list everything you’ll be getting if you’re interested.
Healing Your Fear of Rejection
To heal your fear of rejection, you want to ask yourself a few questions to dig deeper. You might speak to a qualified healthcare professional, do some deep journaling, or simply self-reflect in meaningful ways. Ask yourself:
- What patterns do I notice in my relationships that stem from my fear of rejection?
- What do I believe rejection says about me? Is that belief true?
- What is one rejection that I’ve experienced that actually led to something better?
Healing Your Fear of Abandonment
To heal your fear of abandonment you want to ask yourself a few questions to dig deeper. You might speak to a qualified healthcare professional, do some deep journaling, or simply self-reflect in meaningful ways. Ask yourself:
- How do I behave in relationships when I fear someone will leave me?
- What’s one belief I have about abandonment that I could challenge?
- If I knew I would never be truly abandoned, how would I behave differently?
How to Heal Both Fears in Your Relationships
Regardless of which fear you relate to more, there are some common things you can do to heal both.
- Practice Secure Attachments
- If you tend to pull away (fear of rejection), challenge yourself to be vulnerable in safe relationships.
- If you tend to cling (fear of abandonment), practice self-soothing instead of seeking external reassurance.
- Having healthy self-esteem is the ticket either way.
- Separate Fact from Feeling
- Next time you feel rejected or abandoned, write down the situation as objectively as possible:
- What actually happened?
- What meaning am I assigning to it?
- Is this an old wound being triggered, or is there real evidence here?
- Create a Self-Validation Practice
- Set a daily affirmation related to your biggest fear:
- Fear of rejection: “I am worthy, even if others don’t always approve.”
- Fear of abandonment: “I am whole and secure, even when alone.”
- Work on Your Insecurity
You’re insecure because of your habitual thoughts and actions. Yes. Insecurity is a habit of thought. If you want to move past your fears of rejection and/or abandonment, you’ll need to work on your insecurity.
- Mindfulness
You knew you couldn’t get through an episode without me mentioning mindfulness. Yes! Mindfulness is key so you can notice when you’re having these reactions in the moment. I can teach you every great tool in the world but, if you don’t remember to use them when needed, you won’t be able to fully move forward.
The goal isn’t to never feel rejected or abandoned; it’s to build enough inner security that these fears don’t control you.
Final Thoughts
You are not defined by these fears. Fear of rejection and abandonment are deep wounds, but they don’t have to dictate your life. By recognizing the differences, challenging your beliefs, and practicing self-compassion, you can create stronger relationships and a healthier relationship with yourself.
For the One Love Collective Community:
Tier I:
- Healing Exercise: Creating Emotional Security
- Healing Exercise: Reframing Rejection and Abandonment
- Identifying Where I Fit Worksheet
Tier II:
- Journaling prompts for abandonment
- Journaling prompts for rejection
Tier III:
- Worksheet for fear of abandonment and finding safety in relationships
- Worksheet for fear of rejection and finding safety in relationships
Resources for Fear of Rejection vs. Fear of Abandonment: How to Tell the Difference and Heal Both
Join Abby’s One Love Collective Community
Buy the bundle for this episode!
How to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
How to Stop Being a Perfectionist So You Can Start Being Happy
Your People-Pleasing Might Be a Trauma Response
Eight Ways to Build Your Confidence and Self-Esteem
How to Stop Being Insecure In Your Relationships
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships
