Why You Keep Proving Yourself Right (Even When You’re Miserable): The Psychology of Confirmation Bias and Defense Mechanisms (Podcast Episode 339)

You break up with someone and suddenly, every memory is framed as proof that they never really cared. You get into an argument with your mom, and you leave convinced, once again, that she just doesn’t get you. You walk into a work meeting with the story that your boss doesn’t respect you, and now every glance or tone of voice becomes more “evidence.” Sound familiar? That’s confirmation bias, and it’s working hand-in-hand with a set of mental strategies called defense mechanisms. Together, they keep you feeling justified and self-protected. But they also keep you stuck and locked inside the same limiting beliefs about yourself and everyone around you. Today I’ll explain what confirmation bias really is, how your defense mechanisms support it, and my top five research-backed steps to interrupt your confirmation bias so you can create connected, joyful relationships.

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For the One Love Collective Community

Tier I

• Guided Visualization
• Journaling Prompts
• Quick Reference Guide: Common Confirmation Bias Patterns in Different Relationships (and What Else Might Be True)

Tier II

• Five-Minute Reframe Practice: Mini Script Exercise
• Bias Tracker Worksheet: A 7-Day Practice
• Boundary Booster Worksheet

Tier III

• Relationship Reflection Worksheet: Rewriting the Narrative
• Self-Compassion Script: When You Realize You’ve Been Wrong
• Confirmation Bias 5-Day Detox Challenge

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Resources for Why You Keep Proving Yourself Right (Even When You’re Miserable): The Psychology of Confirmation Bias and Defense Mechanisms

Join Abby’s One Love Collective Community on Patreon!

Get all the resources for this episode (10 total!) for just $8. Buy the bundle on Patreon. 

What You Need to Know About Defense Mechanisms

Three Tips for Effective Communication in Every Relationship

Emotional Healing Techniques: Mastering Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance/Compassion

How to Identify Your Relationship Blind Spots

The Four Reasons Self-Awareness is the Most Important Thing in Your Relationship

Meditation Starter Kit 

Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175–220. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.2.175

E. Lehner, L. Adelman, B. A. Cheikes and M. J. Brown, “Confirmation Bias in Complex Analyses,” in IEEE Transactions on Systems, Man, and Cybernetics – Part A: Systems and Humans, vol. 38, no. 3, pp. 584-592, May 2008, doi: 10.1109/TSMCA.2008.918634.

Rollwage, Max and Fleming, Stephen M. (2021) Confirmation bias is adaptive when coupled with efficient metacognition Phil. Trans. R. Soc. B 376 20200131

Ross, L. (2012). Reflections on Biased Assimilation and Belief Polarization. Critical Review, 24(2), 233–245. https://doi.org/10.1080/08913811.2012.711025

The Cambridge Handbook of Consumer Psychology, edited by Cait Lamberton, Derek D. Rucker, Stephen A. Spiller

Fifty Years of the Research and theory of R.s. Lazarus: An Analysis of Historical and Perennial Issues by Richard S. Lazarus

Beck, A. T., Baruch, E., Balter, J. M., Steer, R. A., & Warman, D. M. (2004). A new instrument for measuring insight: The Beck Cognitive Insight Scale. Schizophrenia Research, 68(2-3), 319-329. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0920-9964(03) 00189-0

Ochsner, Kevin N. et al. The cognitive control of emotion, Trends in Cognitive Sciences, Volume 9, Issue 5, 242 – 249

The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Stress by John Teasdale, Mark Williams, Zindel Segal

Martinez, M. E. (2006). What is Metacognition? Phi Delta Kappan. https://doi.org/10.1177/003172170608700916

FitzGerald, C., Martin, A., Berner, D. et al. Interventions designed to reduce implicit prejudices and implicit stereotypes in real world contexts: a systematic review. BMC Psychol 7, 29 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-019-0299-7

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