Jealousy in a moment happens when you perceive someone or something else as a threat to your relationship. Retroactive jealousy is different because you feel threatened by something or someone in your partner’s past but there’s no current situation happening that’s triggering this feeling. Today I’m going to talk about the signs of retroactive jealousy, why you act this way and my top five tips for making it stop.
7-minute read
What is Retroactive Jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy is a term used to identify that feeling you have when you feel threatened by your partner’s past relationships or even past experiences like travel, friendships, or jobs.
I’ve talked about jealousy many times on the podcast. Jealousy in a moment happens when you perceive someone or something else as a threat to your relationship. This could be anything from an old boyfriend contacting your partner to your partner liking a beautiful woman’s posts on social media. This kind of jealousy generally occurs around an actual event happening.
Retroactive jealousy differs because nothing has to happen in the moment. Instead, you feel threatened by something or someone in your partner’s past, but there’s no current situation happening that’s triggering this feeling.
For example, I have a client who’s been jealous and a bit obsessed about her partner’s relationship and life with his ex. Currently, her partner is having a lot of health issues, so they’re not able to do many social or fun things. He’s also working less than he used to, so they don’t have as much money as he enjoyed in his previous relationship. My client would come to a session and lament how her partner and his ex used to travel, go on ski vacations and lived in an apartment with beautiful views. She was jealous of this past life he had with this other woman even though he hadn’t seen or spoken to her in years.
With retroactive jealousy, your partner might not speak at all to their ex or even follow them on social media, yet you find yourself obsessing about this other person and comparing yourself to them. Somehow you feel like your partner misses or values something or someone from their past more than you.
Signs of Retroactive Jealousy
Are you retroactively jealous (or maybe just plain jealous)? If you are, there are likely unhealthy behaviors you’re engaging in to relieve your anxiety from obsessively thinking about your partner and an ex.
There are a few important signals or signs to watch for:
- Obsessively looking at your partner’s social media behaviors (who do they follow or like, what comments do they make?)
- Comparing yourself or your relationship to an ex of your partner
- Questioning your partner about past relationships often
- Snooping through your partner’s phone, emails, social media, drawers, closets, photo albums, souvenirs or old letters. This would also include snooping by asking questions to their family or friends with the intent of getting information about past relationships or doing internet/social media searches of their ex.
- Making mean, sarcastic or rude comments about a partner’s ex or past relationship. Or doing the opposite and pointing out an ex’s achievements or how attractive they are consistently.
- Saying anything like, “You wish you were still with X” or “You wish I was X.”
- Starting fights with your partner or trying to trick them into admitting they did something wrong.
True retroactive jealousy means that you’re obsessively fixated on your partner’s past relationship(s). You likely want constant reassurance from your partner (although it’s never enough) and can’t stop yourself from thinking about their past with someone or behaving in some intrusive way (such as being nosy or intrusive). You feel suspicious often, even though there’s no real evidence of anything happening.
Retroactive Jealousy and OCD
Let me say first that retroactive jealousy is not a diagnosable mental health condition. However, if you have severe retroactive jealousy, it can mimic obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is, of course, a diagnosable mental health condition.
Like OCD, retroactive jealousy can involve compulsions or obsessive thoughts that end up interfering with your life and ability to function. You might be distracted at work or not focus on your child because you’re on the computer looking up your partner’s ex. If you’re spending long hours picturing your partner with their ex or thinking of them having sex, it’s a bigger problem. If thoughts become all-consuming like this, it’s important to get professional help!
Why are You Jealous?
Retroactive jealousy is a form of jealousy and, at its base, has the same causes.
In 2017, a meta-analysis of 230 studies identified the following as the top root causes of romantic jealousy:
- Insecurity, which is far and away the biggest issue and one that has nothing to do with your partner. No one can make you feel insecure!
- Low self-esteem, which is of course, related to insecurity. Research has found that jealousy can develop when you’re faced with some threat to your self-esteem.
- Somewhere you feel inadequate or not worthy of a loving, stable relationship.
- Having an insecure attachment style, such as being anxiously attached
- An underlying mental health issue such as anxiety, bipolar disorder or OCD
- Infidelity in previous relationships
- Your partner keeping letters or mementos from a previous relationship or comparing you to previous partners.
My Top Five Tips for Dealing with Retroactive Jealousy
Tip #1: It’s About You, Not Your Partner
Jealousy of any sort is about you, not your partner. This is about you working on you. That could mean counseling of some kind to work on your self-esteem and insecurity, or daily meditation to calm your anxiety and get in charge of your negative thoughts.
If you’re in a relationship where your partner compares you to an ex, it’s time to draw real boundaries. (If you haven’t gotten my book yet, it’s time)! Start by asking questions, “How do you think it makes me feel when you compare me to x”? “What are you trying to accomplish/what’s your goal when you compare me to x?”
I would ask you, why are you in a relationship where you don’t feel like you’re a #1 choice? Once again, this is about you and doing your own work to identify why you’re in this kind of relationship.
Learn how to draw real boundaries in my book Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy
Tip #2: Introspection
Introspection is a top priority right now. Increasing your self-awareness and taking a step back to ask yourself where these feelings are coming from is key. What fears, inner doubts and insecurities are under your retroactive jealousy? What’s really driving this? Again, if you say it’s your partner’s behaviors that are driving this, go back to tip #1 because, especially with retroactive jealousy, this is not about your partner and what they are or aren’t doing!
Tip #3: Avoid Triggers
Social media can be a huge trigger for retroactive jealousy. When you’re on social media, it’s impossible not to compare yourself to others and this fuels that insecurity, which then fuels your jealousy.
Maybe it’s time for a social media detox? For sure, don’t follow your partner or any of their friends or past acquaintances on social media. Stay in your lane! Don’t snoop, ask to see their phone, or casually ask their mom about their past partner(s). Stay away from anything that might trigger those feelings of low self-esteem, jealousy and insecurity.
Tip #4: Don’t be a Victim
You know I have no room in the work I do for a victim mentality. When you say things like, “I just can’t help it,” or “I just can’t stop thinking about it,” you’re acting like a victim, and nothing is going to change for this or any future relationship. Or you might say, “I’m insecure,” but being insecure isn’t a personality trait; it’s a habit of thought. And any habit can be changed with some intention and attention.
Tip #5: Practice Mindfulness
I’m about to get all Jewish-mother-bossy on your ass. Oh, you might be sick of me talking about mindfulness but, I say with love, I DON’T CARE! If you want to stop being retroactively jealous, you’ve got to get in charge of your thoughts. You cannot allow the indulgence of these jealous, insecure thoughts to dominate your thinking. It’s like eating a pint of ice cream every day and then wondering why you can’t lose weight!
Practice mindfulness, and any time you feel yourself focusing on your partner, bring the attention back to yourself.
Thank you to everyone who’s supported me by liking videos, leaving reviews or buying my books! If you have bought a book, please (please) take a moment and leave a review on Amazon. I love you!
Research and Resources for Retroactive Jealousy
Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy by Dr. Abby Medcalf
What to Do If Your Partner is Jealous
How to Stop Being Jealous in a Relationship
How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships
Four Ways to Be More Self-Aware
Overcoming Insecurity and Silencing Your Inner Critic
Mindfulness Hacks: Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Change Your Life
